Matchmaker Steve Ward evidently didn’t hit rock bottom last year when he took eight borderline insane (and surprisingly single!) women and attempted to help them find a man on the VH1 series Tough Love. Last night he came back for more with eight new crazies — and this time around, we were greeted with a familiar face.

Rocky, the single mom from California, currently has her hands full raising her 11-year-old daughter Haley and 32 (thirty-two!) animals. Oh, and she’s also busy humiliating her family on national TV. You see, this isn’t Rocky’s first time to grace our television sets. You may recognize her from another VH1 show, I Know My Kid’s a Star (the train wreck conducted by fellow disaster Danny Bonaduce). That show gave Rocky her big break, thanks to a disturbing moment involving her daughter and a tampon string, which made her an instant star in the eyes of Joel McHale and The Soup. (If you care to sit through the highly uncomfortable exchange, click here and skip to 9:45.)

Rocky has taken a break from forcing her daughter to become the next Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, because there are more important matters at hand: Mama needs to catch herself a man. And apparently Mama can only find a suitor on a VH1 show with a zero percent success rate (none of last season’s contestants found love). During this process, Rocky will wear a wardrobe that could only be found at your local Hot Topic, flash her breasts in a swimming pool, perform a Kevin Federline-esque rap and reveal that it’s been three years since she’s gotten any action — and that’s just the first episode. The cringe-worthy shenanigans, it seems, have just begun.

Sorry, Haley. Perhaps you would have been better off sticking with Bonaduce.

Well, color me shocked: Father of the year Jon Gosselin and his attention-seeking girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, have called it quits. Strange, since they seemed perfectly stable after Hailey appeared on The Insider to cry about how Jon emotionally abuses her and throws “mantrums.”

For most normal relationships, abuse allegations would signal the end — but Jon and Hailey aren’t your typical couple. I assumed this was just the beginning of their desperate attempts to stay in the limelight. Jon even put forth a riveting plea for help:

My girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, has paid a significant price to live under such a media microscope. I am grateful for her emotional support and I regret any pain that my actions have caused her as she has selflessly born the pressures I have endured under the media glare. I am committed to making things right with Hailey as well as Kate and especially my children. I ask you to please give me the opportunity to prove myself.

via Jon Gosselin Regrets Hurting Hailey Glassman – Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin : People.com.

Of course, he issued this statement to The Insider, so I’m not entirely shocked that Hailey didn’t go rushing back into his arms. But famewhores can’t just fade back into obscurity that easily. I predict a “romantic” reconciliation in two weeks — with The Insider’s cameras there to capture all the joy.

It’s no secret that Lauren Conrad is missed by many on this painfully boring season of The Hills, but perhaps the people who need her the most are her biggest enemies: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. You see, without LC around to torture, the toxic couple has been forced to develop storylines faker than Mrs. Pratt’s breasts — and it’s becoming quite offensive.

The latest victim of the Speidi publicity machine is Heidi’s sister Holly and her love for booze. Obviously I am not a close friend of the saner Montag, so I do not know first-hand whether or not Holly is really an alcoholic. But my guess is that she’s not, and this whole situation has been fabricated by the Pratts in an effort to stir up drama. (I preferred the “Heidi wants kids” storyline, starring my new favorite Hills castmember, Enzo, but that’s just me.)

On tonight’s episode, Holly will forget last week’s promise that she would give up the alcohol and suffer through an intervention with Heidi and Stephanie, Spencer’s pointless sister. But there’s no evidence to support the fact that Holly is an alcoholic, and there’s lots of evidence proving that these famewhores will do anything to stay on television. In fact, if Holly really did have a problem with addiction, Stephanie’s drunken attendance (and subsequent DUI) at Holly’s recent birthday party is probably sending the wrong message. It’s insulting to viewers who have actually dealt with alcoholism — and it’s a serious disease that has no place on a fake MTV reality show.

Skip ahead to 1:00 to witness the stellar acting job by Heidi as she sells out her sister for 15 more minutes of fame.

It’s like finding out Santa Claus isn’t real:

Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden says they have evidence that the runaway balloon incident was a “hoax” and a “publicity stunt” to promote a reality show.

Alderden says they plan on filing charges against Richard and Mayumi Heene soon — one of which would be contributing to the delinquency of a minor, which is a felony. The other charges could be conspiracy, false reporting and attempt to influence an officer.

Alderden says the hoax was a “planned event for two weeks.”

via Sheriff: Balloon Boy Incident a ‘Hoax’ | TMZ.com

The most disturbing part of this story is the fact that these parents coached all three boys to tell a lie — not just to the crowd of reporters, but to the authorities. These children need a miracle if they’re going to become responsible, functioning adults who don’t constantly seek attention from any cameras lurking nearby.

Children need parents who value their well-being; unfortunately for the Heene boys, they’ve been raised in a household that instead values attention at any cost.

Watch below as Falcon demonstrates how effectively he’s been taught to sell his soul for “the show.”

It sounds nearly identical to the plot of a Disney movie: A little boy sneaks into a balloon being constructed by his science-obsessed parents, only to take off into the air for an impromptu joy ride. Little Falcon Heene was likely never on board the aircraft once it took off — instead, he was found hiding in a box in the attic of his family’s home. The joyous celebrations over a once-tragic story will continue throughout the rest of the day, but that doesn’t mean everything is truly OK with the Heene family.

America first met the Heenes during an episode of ABC’s Wife Swap, a reality show featuring off-their-rocker families who trade moms for a couple of weeks, all in the name of entertainment. The family was presented as one that “lives life on the edge” — one that loves storm-chasing so much that the parents would rather take the boys out of school to put them in harms way. Some will tell you Wife Swap changes families’ lives for the better, but, typically, it’s yet another means of encouraging the crazies of the world to go to extremes, all in the name of fame.

Although a drastically different story from the Ryan Jenkins murder case a couple months back, it once again proves that perhaps the people on our television sets should be monitored a little more closely. The Heene parents were deemed crazy enough to appear on not one but two episodes of the ABC hit — and then released back into the wild once the cameras shut off. Are they responsible enough to raise their children? Maybe. We’ll never know for sure. But someone has to question their tactics when it’s quite obvious the Heene boys are being raised to fear nothing — not even a dangerous, deadly storm.

Obviously, children do stupid things. It happens — and it’s not always the parents’ fault. But for a few hours today, America believed that little Falcon climbed aboard the balloon his father was crafting and ultimately flew to his death. Just because that didn’t turn out to be the case doesn’t mean there aren’t severe issues in the household.

This can’t be blamed on reality TV. After all, there are crazies everywhere — cameras or no cameras. But perhaps we, as viewers, should stop encouraging the insanity without also raising some serious questions. And maybe ABC should start genuinely worrying about the safety of the Wife Swap children instead of constantly attempting to up the ante when it comes to ratings.

On tonight’s new episode of The Hills, star Kristin Cavallari — who replaced former heroine Lauren Conrad for the remainder of Season 6 — continues on her quest to woo hobo-esque Justin Bobby and later gets a drink thrown in her face.

Surely this isn’t what Kristin imagined when she signed back up for reality TV after years of pretending she was above it all. Upon wrapping up the second season of Laguna Beach, she claimed she was begged by producers to star on The Hills but wasn’t interested: “I feel like been there, done that. I feel like I need stuff that challenges me and another reality show won’t do that.”

But, eventually, one has to grow tired of “starring” in straight-to-DVD movies that only highlight a severe lack of acting skills. Hence her glorious return to MTV — and an attempt to miraculously strike gold like her predecessor. Unfortunately for Kristin, she’s not the next Lauren Conrad.

The problem with Kristen isn’t that she’s unlikeable; in fact, I admire her ability to completely ignore the fact that Speidi exists while also consistently shutting down Audrina’s idiotic logic about “girl codes.” She’s a breath of fresh air on a show that typically features a herd of pretty people staring vacantly into space while saying absolutely nothing of substance.

But let’s be honest: Kristin only agreed to come back to MTV in an effort to boost her “career” as an actress: “When I first started out, I had a celebrity name but I didn’t have the acting skills. If I have some buzz with my name again, I feel like it will only help.” This would be a legitimate train of thought — if she were actually taking herself seriously. Kristin admits that (gasp!) The Hills is entirely fake, and she does anything the producers ask of her because she “doesn’t care.”

Lauren, however, is one of the lone success stories coming out of MTV’s “reality.” She’s now a best-selling author, the creator of a successful clothing line and a role model for many young teens — despite having some of her most tumultuous years play out in front of a national audience. How’d she do it? Because she knew, at the end of the day, her post-Hills reputation was on the line. Sure, she could have slapped Heidi in an attempt to garner ratings. She could have hooked up with Justin Bobby to get her name in Us Weekly. And she could have gotten plastic surgery and posed for the paparazzi at The Ivy. But she didn’t, because she knew it’s not just about creating a buzz — it’s about keeping your dignity. And her future endeavors will be all the more successful because of it.

Sure, she was slightly boring at times, but Lauren was an unlikely genius in that she managed to capture the nation’s attention without drunkenly falling on her face outside of LA’s newest hotspot. Kristin, meanwhile, is fully embracing MTV’s campaign that “the bitch is back” — but the bitch will only be back for a season or two before fading back into oblivion.

Once again, the bigwigs behind the Emmy Awards proved that they really don’t watch television at all — especially when it comes to that of the reality variety. With repeat wins from both The Amazing Race and Survivor host Jeff Probst, it’s clear that there’s a whole world of quality television out there that the Academy continues to ignore. Perhaps none of the voting members have VH1.

So, because it’s my duty in life, I shall award those who should have been last night’s true winners.

And the nominees are…

Outstanding host for a reality program: Craig Jackson, I Love Money
This was an easy win for CJ, and much deserved as opposed to Probst. Anyone can relax in a jungle paradise for a few weeks while randomly showing up for a civilized voting process, but it takes an incredibly brave soul to survive even a day with the walking disasters from various VH1 shows like Rock of Love and Flavor of Love. In the clip above, CJ is given the responsibility of walking into the lion’s den after a huge fight among the attention whores — and he keeps his composure while playing baby-sitter. It’s a wonder he didn’t contract hundreds of diseases during his stint on the show.

Nominee: Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Because she makes it through twice-weekly episodes with style and grace, despite Mary Murphy’s ear-piercing shrieks and Nigel Lythgoe’s perverted innuendos.

Nominee: Tyra Banks, America’s Next Top Model
Because each season she manages to take her special brand of self-obsessed crazy to a whole new level.

Outstanding reality program: Tool Academy
There truly is no other show on television that can rival Tool Academy when it comes to entertainment and absurdity. From the compelling and eloquent claim that one of the tool’s mothers “spewed gold out of her vagina” to the awesome closing line (“I’m sorry, you’re just a tool”), the show’s hilarity is unrivaled. And seeing some of America’s most appalling men get humiliated week after week will likely never get old.

Nominee: College Life
Because it reminds us why a professional should always be manning the camera instead of a drunk 18-year-old.

Nominee: The Pick Up Artist
Because a grown man wearing a velvet hat and goggles really has no business teaching other men how to get laid. And because the show’s responsible for about 90 percent of the pick-up lines I hear at the bar.

Sometimes, certain issues weigh heavily on my mind. When will the economy finally turn around? Will we ever find Osama bin Laden? And, most importantly: Why is America’s Next Top Model still on the air?

This question was asked repeatedly during last night’s episode, which featured yet another one of Tyra Banks’s cries for help. Fully latching onto her patented “smiling with the eyes” concept, Ty Ty took crazy to an entirely new level with a new superhero, Super Smize. This woman will never stop being a parody of herself. At this point, she should just stick to her talk show and forget trying to teach models how to have careers that will never be as successful as hers.

To watch the train wreck, skip to 1:20. I would also like to offer a round of applause to the pitiful contestants, who managed to make it through the entire scene without breaking down and wondering what the hell they’re doing with their lives.

After neglecting the background check portion of its casting process, VH1 is rightfully pulling the plug on Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3, two shows that heavily feature presumed murderer Ryan Jenkins. Nobody is arguing that it’s not the right move to make in this situation, which is unprecedented in the land of reality television. But it sure leaves a lot of unanswered questions — and a lot of unsatisfied viewers.

Rampant speculation suggests that Ryan was a finalist in the race for Megan Hauserman’s heart (er, empty bank account), but he was eliminated shortly before meeting and marrying Jasmine Fiore. Clearly he was not the chosen one, as VH1 would have stepped in before marriage vows were exchanged. So he likely finished in second or third place — but which lucky loser was triumphant during the show?

The always-classy Sex Toy Dave, who also humiliated himself on Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker, seems to be receiving the majority of the popular vote after claiming victory on his Facebook page. But I’m not convinced.

My money’s on TJ, the CEO of a vodka company. He’s worth $6.5 million and he’s not bad to look at (the same cannot be said for the majority of Megan’s suitors). But, most importantly, he didn’t act like a raving fool during the three episodes that aired on television. Also in the running? Punisher, the entertainer (read: stripper) from New York.

But this is all pure speculation until VH1 decides how it wants to respond to the five fans who are eagerly wondering whether Megan found true love (ha!) — or if we’ll be in for another season (assuming that option’s not entirely off the table). Will we get an announcement after the hype surrounding the Fiore murder case calms down, giving an update on Megan and her chosen one? Or will we forever be forced to wonder whether Megan found her millionaire?