I’d guess you know there’s a huge literature on madness and creativity. But others may not so here’s a link to a NY Times article that cites several good books.

And finally, well, crap, we’re all confused!

As someone who suffered greatly since childhood what they called shyness, extreme shyness and rebellion…something schools quickly couldn’t define…my problem…the angry guy who is also shy and seemed to have too many friends who followed his lead…who while appearing in front of a class would wilt and collapse in a wave of blushing and fear and shaking so bad that someone had hold down the paper I was trying to read to the class because I just shook so badly…I could never finish any report until…to this day I remember a very kind and at the same time mean fellow student, a black girl who used to tease me on the playground incessantly, took my papers from my shaking hands, pushed a another student from the front row and placed my writings down on the desk, so I could at least read it…and still I terrified…I stood like a Don Knotts act trying my best…the fear was incomprehensible to me…to the teachers…but my school yard tormentor smiled and never said another word once I finished.

Fifty years later I wonder how and whether depression or anxiety crippled my life. In the 1970’s the answer was yes…I had achieved success by proxy…that is I urged people that trusted my judgment to to act in concord…it worked. But it did not bring me to satisfaction.

Now this was weird…so I sought out some help who was more than happy to offer me SSI’s, there were, if I remember right two to chose from…they both made me crazy, violent…which I already had a tendency…so fuck that.

Then a tragedy, a moment of personal failure, of the sort that questioned one’s fabled view of one’s self…a friend died in a situation where we both should have died.

The reevaluation was skewed by my own insanity.

Drugs were the answer…and still are…they advanced somewhat…laughingly…my Harvard educated Psychiatrist…was insulted at the idea that the meds which took six weeks to work… and then created crazy side effects…insulted that I would think that I was a guinea pig for the pharma industry that only used drugs developed for anything other than depression or anxiety would not be totally effective…never mind that the ones that work for me are destroying my liver.

So here is the bottom line…the drugs help…lots…the anxiety is in control, the anger is in control…I found a combination of drugs that have something to due with other physical concerns but the side effects help me.

Now there is talk of designer drugs. Now a good friend of mine who suffered from an extreme bout of cancer is looking to some stimulates, new designer stuff he gets overseas to compensate for the buzz he used to get from smoking…that little edge that aided his thinking…and his thinking is pretty good, actually wins a bit of professional accolades and money and has offered me the chemical help…hey I’m getting old…should I say no thanks…a man who needs drugs that are killing his liver to survive a regular day for everyone else?

I work in the creative arenas and my question is the same…can taming madness quash creativity? I mean someone who views the world differently than, say, a sane world lose a edge?

To address, finally the point of your post, when losing some desire, no not desire, more ability, in regards to sex, advise usually says stop taking the drugs for a period, take on some anxiety, have sex, while the rest of the world is told, in commercial after commercial, take drugs and when the mood is right…you have 48 hours.

It is all very confusing…I may be suffering mental illness, SSI didn’t help but the science made sense to me…now I can’t take the drugs that help with the SSI’s that appeal to my intellect, I am working the side effects but this talk of designer help for college finals or stage craft but it seems wacky yet make me jealous…imagine starting well and just being able to improve without the hurt…damn unfair…how many homers can be hit with drugs…but then how many medical breakthroughs are possible? On drugs?

Crap…I’m confused.