Getting married? Seven reasons to change your name–or not
I guess I’m in the first generation of women who married but kept their birth names. Back then–29 years ago–it was such an odd notion that I assumed when I wed, my last name would automatically become my husband’s.
“Who says you’re changing your name?” a feminist columnist asked me. “Unless you file papers, you aren’t.”
Papers? That was enough to deter lazy me. Besides, I already had an established byline, a work history I didn’t want to disown.
Now comes another study (of course! is there anything we don’t study in this world?) suggesting that there’s a financial motive to keep your own name:
Women who choose to adopt their husbands’ surnames may be penalized in the job market, a new study from the Netherlands suggests…
The authors did several experiments involving university students’ perceptions of hypothetical women — imaginary women who were described identically, except for their marital status and decision to keep or change their surnames. The students generally viewed women who took their husbands’ surnames as being more stereotypically feminine. Participants thought that a hypothetical woman who took her husband’s surname was “more caring, more dependent, less intelligent, more emotional, less competent, and less ambitious in comparison with a woman who kept her own name.”
Women, Work and a Name Change – Economix Blog – NYTimes.com.
Well, there’s a whole lot of sexism going on here. But barring those issues, let’s look at the case for and against changing your given name:
Reasons to change
1) Your husband has a better name than you do–better as in, easier to pronounce, easier to remember, easier to make a dinner reservation. This was not an issue for me–is there any advantage to choosing Carcaterra vs. Toepfer? And don’t even think about a hyphenate–can you imagine saddling a kid with the last name, Carcaterra-Toepfer? or Toepfer-Carcaterra? That’s an extra 30 minutes on the phone, every time you book an airline ticket.
2) Your kids will not be embarrassed at school. “Everybody thinks you’re divorced,” my kids would wail, complaining that their teachers didn’t understand why I was called Toepfer, not Carcaterra. (Come on–it’s not 1932. Get with the program, Teach.)
3) You can pick up theater tickets, dry cleaning and anything else you care to carry that is registered under your husband’s name.
Reasons not to change your name:
1) It takes effort. You have to switch your bank accounts, Social Security cards, all kinds of crap you don’t want to do.
2) You have professional achievements under your birth name, which might be lost in transition.
3) You want to keep a separate credit rating. Hey–who knows what he’ll be up to? Or what loans you, alone, might need.
4) You might get a divorce--I know, you don’t want to think of this on your wedding eve. But maybe take a time out and consider, if the worst happens, and all romance fails, do you really want to be walking around with the last name of a guy you despise?
Marriages can come and go, but a name change might be forever.
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Why most women change their names when marrying baffles me, even after decades of reading reasons why it makes sense. Most of my women friends and relatives have assumed their husbands’ last names.
A high percentage of those women are ardent feminists, as I am. We have shared conversations about the downsides of patriarchy forever. Yet those same women who agree with me on every other feminist issue don’t want to discuss why they changed their names.
I’ve decided against trying any longer to puzzle out the conundrum–it makes me crazy, and sad.
For what it’s worth, I’ve been married 33 years to Scherrie Goettsch. When we met in 1976, she was not a feminist, not by my standards at least. But I fell in love with her anyway. She wanted to change her last name to mine. I said no. Over the decades, she has become used to the idea of women retaining their names. She has also become a feminist, by any standard.
Despite a woman’s beliefs, it is often hard to withstand social pressure, and your friends may have decided to pick their battles.
I have never heard a story like yours before. In online discussions of the topic, it’s always emphasized that it’s the woman’s choice whether or not she takes her husband’s name, it’s never asked, what if a woman wants to take her husband’s name but he objects?
I think it was a good thing thing that you took a stand on your wife not changing your name. But ideologically it’s hard to rationalize in terms of “choice”: It’s still your wife’s name, and if she never met you she would have been able to change it to anything she wanted, and if she wanted to change her last name to anything else when you got married, I don’t think it would have been reasonable for you to be able to veto such a decision.
What happened with you and your wife really illustrates that surnames are proprietary in nature. Deciding for one’s self how one will be identified is one thing, but withholding a surname is something else; it shows the surname belongs to you.
Which shows that, no matter how people may try to justify it in a modern context, the practice of giving surnames is still about identifying property.
In response to another comment. See in context »Make that:
… on your wife not changing *her* name.
In response to another comment. See in context »Anecdotal experience leads me to believe that women who change their last names tend to be those who choose to be home-makers. Could it be that the bias against those wives who take the last name of their husbands is really a bias against home-makers?
It’s possible, Jake, especially since this Dutch study was focused on income. Employers might think a woman who changed her name wouldn’t be as dedicated to her job.
Although I do have to say I find this whole study kind of suspicious–how would a potential employer be aware that your name had been changed–or not?
Also, it might be a chicken and egg thing–Women who keep their birth names may be those who marry later and have already established careers that ultimately produce more income.
In response to another comment. See in context »“She wanted to change her last name to mine. I said no. Over the decades, she has become used to the idea of women retaining their names.”
Something about this story frustrates me. I think what is distressing is most obvious if you were to switch it around: someone telling a story about how a woman didn’t want to change her name but her husband wouldn’t take no for an answer and eventually she got used to the idea and became a good, obedient wife. Told that way, it’s enough to rally any woman. Yet, when dressed up as “feminist” we readily accept the (apparent) control exerted over the woman’s choice.
Feminism is a two-way street. It’s moved away from having to do or be anything specific. A feminist can be a stay-at-home mom or a high-powered executive. A feminist can love wearing dresses, skirts, and high heels or she can love wearing power pants suits and her hair short. Feminists can keep their last name when they marry or take their husbands names. We can’t be afraid of embracing feminists who also believe in traditional values, to do so would be to ignore an entire group of women…women who deserve equality and respect just as much as the woman who burns her bra or marches in the streets. Putting rules on what makes or doesn’t make a woman a feminist just seems like another form of repression…patriarchy dressed up with a pretty bow (or, maybe, no bow, after all feminists are far too busy to learn how to tie bows…)
Very well put, Liz. As I hope I made clear, I’m not arguing for either side. (Name changes seem the least of our worries.)
I was struck the other day when I was reading up on Naomi Wolf before having lunch with her that there were so many vitriolic comments about her manner of dress and “showing her breasts,” as if to be a proper feminist, or advocate for women’s rights, you have to dress in an asexual manner.
In response to another comment. See in context »as if to be a proper feminist, or advocate for women’s rights, you have to dress in an asexual manner
If feminists don’t, how else would people be able to dismiss them as “ugly d*ke bitches”?
In response to another comment. See in context »I understand where you’re coming from. But I want to point out that a man’s discomfort with his wife taking his name comes from a completely different place than a man who’s uncomfortable with his wife not taking his name.
The latter is insisting that a woman give up something of herself. The former is refusing to let her make that sacrifice.
And that may be patronizing. That may be assuming that the woman doesn’t know what her surname signifies to her. But he’s insisting that he doesn’t want their marriage to begin with a tradition that signifies inequality, and he doesn’t want to present themselves as a couple to the world in such a way. And unless they’re approaching the issue from the same perspective – that is, unless she’s a feminist, but it’s still important to her to change her name for some reason – then I have a hard time seeing how him caving in shows more respect for her.
In response to another comment. See in context »1) Your husband has a better name than you do–better as in, easier to pronounce, easier to remember, easier to make a dinner reservation.
What is or is not easy to pronounce is socially variable. And you can make dinner reservations under any name you want.
A woman with an unusual name might be all the more attached to it for just that reason – that it is unique in her society.
When I google my name, all the hits that come up are about me. When I google my first name with my partner’s last name, there are over 2 million hits.
2) Your kids will not be embarrassed at school.
People have had very different experiences with this. A lot of kids have not been embarassed at all. The more common it becomes for women to keep their own names, the less likely it will be for people to make assumptions based on that fact.
The best reason I can think of for a woman to change her name is if she is on bad terms with her family, and wants to cut ties with them.
The practice of giving surnames is problematic in general, since it’s used to show that children and the partner who adopts the surname are the property of the individual who’s name is passed on. What some couples have started doing is making up an entirely new last name that both of them take upon marriage, or giving their child a last name that is different from either of theirs.
Another problem with surnames is that by communicating that children belong to someone else, they are not the responsibility of the community. Placing childcare responsibilities solely on the parents – usually on just one parent – is very onerous, a fact which is illustrated by high rates of child poverty in countries which provide little social support, like the United States and Canada.
Well, as someone who has spent probably a total of two years of my life spelling my name over and over again–and still, nobody gets it right–I would argue your first point.
The second is, as you say, a question of personal experience. (Actually, so is the first.)
In response to another comment. See in context »This is something we in the gay community are now facing. Reason One for changing applies to us, too. Many of my friends with difficult names adopted their spouses names with great relief. I disagree with the comment that difficult names are “socially variable.” So what? Except in rare instance, we all know the society we are going to live in and it isn’t one where “Czrekt” doesn’t need to spelled five times. When he married a Perry, he went for it like a thirsty man for water (and is much happier).
Others with two great names hyphenated them into a really great name (the Rosen-Darlings come to mind, it just trips off the togue). My step brother, last name Black, dated a fellow named Tru for some time. I was really looking forward to the Tru-Blacks, but they broke up. I always wonder how hyphenating is going to end (The Cranston-Rosen-Darlings-Paulings)? I don’t see that working over very many generations. Fortunately, passing on the name is less of an imperative for most of us. Of the ten married gay couples I know, only one is having children, the rest are having second homes and nice vacations.
I’ve noticed those with differing ethnic backgrounds tend to keep their original name (neither Wong nor Gonzales wanted to switch).
As we tend to marry later in life, I think the work history thing is going to be the strongest influence. I’ve spent 40 years building my reputation and like my last name. On the other hand, one friend with a prison record was more than happy to get a different last name. He left behind his checked job history and simply told employers he’d been a house husband. He was re-entering the work force. Didn’t hurt him anywhere near as much as three felony convictions. His current employer is a very nice lady who had to go back to work after being a housewife for a dozen years (her husband died) and she was very sympathetic. A real background check would have brought everything to light, but few small firms do that.
All told, what’s in a name?
That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, and for that name, which is no part of thee, take all myself.
Did the Bard not answer the question a long while ago?
Stephen, what a lovely comment–filled with both insight and poetry!(I like your name, too–maybe in my next life, I’ll get one like that.)
In response to another comment. See in context »I disagree with the comment that difficult names are “socially variable.” So what?
Fair enough.
Personally, knowing that people of Western European ancestry have often made fun of the names of people from different parts of the world, exaggerated their difficulty, and used them as a tool to “other” people, I would rather insist that people show respect by making the slight effort to figure out how to say my name correctly, than forgo a signifier of my cultural heritage just for the convenience of people who are either befuddled or appalled every time they’re forced to deal with a language other than Englush.
In response to another comment. See in context »*English
Kind of an ironic typo, lol.
In response to another comment. See in context »Sorry for the multiple replies, I should wait to finish reading a post before hitting “submit”.
Anyways, re:
. I always wonder how hyphenating is going to end (The Cranston-Rosen-Darlings-Paulings)? I don’t see that working over very many generations.
In Quebec, since 1981, a person cannot legally change their name just because they got married. So there are an increasing number of people with hyphenated names. If two people with hyphenated names have a child, they can give the child up to any two of their four surnames. So if Cranston-Rosen and Darlings-Paulings had a kid, the child’s surname could be the same as either of the parent’s, or Cranston-Paulings, or Darlings-Rosen etc. or just Paulings, etc.
In response to another comment. See in context »Hi Susan,
I didn’t change my name when I got married, and I met with a good share of shocked faces. It didn’t even occur to me to change it. I just didn’t see the need. It’s perfectly fine if it’s something one WANTS to do, of course, but it just isn’t a necessary tradition any more.
I am my own person. I have lived with this name my whole life. It’s memorable, and it’s who I am. I built a career using this name. My name was given to me by my family, and when they’re gone, I will proudly still have their name.
I now get mail addressed to Mr. & Mrs Peter — with his last name, and I have to laugh that people assume in this day and age that I have given up the right to be addressed with my own first name, let alone my last.
However, it’s all about choice. It’s everyone’s right to change or not to change. Either way, more power to you. I’d just like it if the traditionalists didn’t make me feel so bad about it.