What if they did come in peace (and with universal health care)?

Photo illustration by Sally Davies

Unlike a lot of TV critics, I rather enjoyed this week’s debut of the new, reconstituted alien drama, V.  Although, as a rule, I prefer a good vampire saga, I’m always up for an alien romp, and I did appreciate how all the aliens in V were smart enough to disguise themselves as good-looking humans with excellent wardrobes. We earthlings are quite accustomed to creepy creatures disguising themselves as humans, but more often they look like Dick Cheney or Rosie O’Donnell. Only occasionally–think Sarah Palin–do they have the marketing smarts to go for the physical ideal.

But back to V. One of the things the Visitors promised, and which got all the locals hooked, was advanced medical clinics. Health care for all! What a concept! Only an extraterrestrial could come up with that.

Not that we should be surprised. For the past 60 years or so, residents of the southwestern United States have routinely reported that their alien abductions included being strapped down for “anal probes.” Little did they suspect they were just free colonoscopies! How thoughtful of those big-headed lugs.

A host of science fiction stories have conditioned us to believe the worst of anybody landing in a spaceship. Already, we know the V guests are monsters in models’ clothing. But what if they really did come in peace? Free colonoscopies would be just the start.

As we all should know from multiple Star Trek viewings, aliens live a very long time. I mean, here we are struggling to make it to 80 or so, and they’re holding it together for centuries. And looking no worse for wear! Just think how useful ETs could be if they took to consulting with the beauty industry. Oil of Olay, get ready to rumble!

Aliens also prefer to communicate silently–a true blessing in the age when cell phone conversations jangle our nerves on every corner. And wouldn’t that be a help to the household budget, just ditching the Verizon bill? Talk about a family plan.

Aliens have also clearly conquered jet lag, or at least always seem perky enough when they land, fully capable of issuing orders and conversing in the dialogue of another planet. Advanced sleeping pills on the ship? A few tips from the aliens and we’d never have an embarrassing, George Bush throwing up at a state dinner incident again.

Aliens don’t seem to need to eat–and what a timesaver that would be, to say nothing of kind to the waistline.

It took us until the 21st Century to get giant TV screens and HDTV. Aliens have been sporting those since the Rod Serling days! Probably, they’re onto something bigger and better by now.

I’m sure there’s an awful lot more we could learn from aliens, if we just gave them a chance to share their gifts. Remember: Mork came in peace, and we ended up with Robin Williams.