How to marry a movie star

“Why can’t celebrities date real people?” asked the woman ringing up the tabloid sale as she caught a glimpse of George Clooney with his model girlfriend.

It is a question that has been raised on both sides of the checkout counter, along with the corollary, “Why do celebrities marry each other?”

“You should blog about that,” my friend suggested, and since I have absolutely nothing to add to the balloon boy brouhaha, I will.

First, let’s get Clooney out of the way. He’s not marrying anybody. If you’re looking at George, you’re looking at a one night to five year possibility. Also, let’s track his recent romantic conquests: Model. Model. Waitress. Model. Waitress. Model. Italian actress.

So if you are interested in George, and you are a regular person, your best shot is to get a job as a waitress. Not in any old eatery though–forget the coffee shops, diners and the local Applebee’s. You’re aiming for high-end restaurants, located in New York, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and select European capitals. Unfortunately, they will probably require you to look like a model, and your competition will be models hoping to become movie stars, who will then have no trouble dating a movie star, and need no help from me.

Next question: Why do celebrities so often marry each other? Well, for starters, they meet at work, just like regular people, except with higher salaries and craft services. Once connected, there’s the added attraction of a double wattage career boost –two stars on the runway! Double the time with ET! And double the megabucks means double the chance for privacy. They also understand each other’s problems (annoying fans, bad botox, crooked business managers), in a way that the rest of us, preoccupied with two-for-the-price-of-one supermarket sales and sputtering car engines, simply can’t. And for every dozen star couples who crash and burn, there is the lingering hope of  Goldie and Kurt, Kyra and Kevin, and the all-time record-breakers, Paul and Joanne .

Besides, historically, the track records of stars marrying simple folk aren’t that great, either, especially when it comes to female stars. Elizabeth Taylor married a construction worker, Larry Fortensky (they met in rehab, another popular celeb dating spot), and right away, he started missing the helmet and cranes. Debbie Reynolds married an ordinary guy who claimed he was a shoe mogul–and left her penniless. No wonder female stars are on the prowl for guys of equal fame–and that lowers the pool of star men available to regular you.

But there are other starfish in the sea, so let’s move on to some occupations that might attract that dream date:

1) Flight attendant. Of course, this was an easier path back in the days of the “stewardess,” when you could blatantly serve up “Coffee, Tea or Me,” despite astoundingly restrictive undergarments, as witness Don Draper’s recent “Mad Men” dalliance.  In the Hollywood heyday, stars routinely dated and married stews. And it could still happen to you, as it did to Grace Hightower, who landed Robert DeNiro.

But to suceed in this route, you will naturally have to become an attendant in the first class cabin–even the most down on their luck, bankrupt stars do not fly coach. Unless you can bypass the seniority system, which sort of guarantees you’re in your middle years by the time you get to serve the free booze, you may find the star you’re attracting looks less like Leonardo DiCaprio and more like Obi-Wan Kenobi.

2) Nanny/Babysitter. Stars being as lazy as the rest of us, they often find their dates close to home. In the cases of Jude Law and Robin Williams, very close to home–like the kids’ playroom.  The obvious problem here is the wife–do you want to steal somebody else’s star, or catch one of your own? Think it through before signing up for the diaper change.

3) Personal Assistant. This is another incidence of proximity stoking passion…just imagine the sparks when Ozzy Osbourne and aide Sharon Arden first met!..and you don’t even have to set your sights on the star you are personally assisting. Matt Damon, for example, married pal Ben Affleck’s p.a.; Christian Bale wed Wynona Ryder’s. But do choose your star carefully. You do not want to end up assisting a guy who expects you to book his hooker, as well as his plane.

4) Writer/Producer/Cameraman. These star-dating occupations work particularly well for men–witness the spouses of Brooke Shields, Debra Messing and Julia Roberts. But it is possible for an on-the-set woman to land the lead–makeup artists married Jason Priestley and Rob Lowe, Late Show staffer Regina Lasko wed David Letterman.

Okay, the last is not such a great example. But it does bring up another thought:

Maybe the guy in the next cubicle isn’t such a bad prospect after all.