Don’t go in the kitchen and other tips from a former waitress
I was a waitress for two years. I’ve worked a variety of jobs over the years, from pasta-maker to college teacher, but waitressing was far and away the hardest job I ever had. The hours are grueling, the physical labor is brutal, and suffice to say you learn something of human nature when required to wait on people: People will treat you like crap because they can.
This is why I was so disgusted when I read New York Times‘ “Your Money” columnist Ron Lieber’s self-indulgent, arrogant “Diner’s Journal” post on getting kicked out of Restaurant Marc Forgione in Tribeca, “Why I got Kicked Out of a Restaurant on Saturday Night.”
The short version of the story is that Forgione was yelling at a staff member in the kitchen. Apparently, this disturbed Lieber’s dining experience. So, Lieber walked into the kitchen and reprimanded the chef. Either you’ve worked in the restaurant business and get this, or you don’t. No one but the most self-entitled jerk of a customer walks into the kitchen. After some back and forth, Forgione asked Lieber to leave the restaurant. In other words, he kicked him out.
One problem with working in the restaurant business is that the customer seems particularly inclined to believe he is running the show, when, in fact, he is not. For some reason, that eating, the most intimate of activities, second only to sex, is involved leads people to engage in this type of boorish behavior.
Lieber’s whiny, unapologetic response, “I’m not sorry I spoke up,” only underscores his role as the classic jerk diner that servers hate. This is the same guy who whips out a pen and paper to calculate the tip, the same idiot who wants to know if he can take the rest of his wine home in a bag, the same fool who asks one too many questions about obscure ingredients on the menu to show off to his obviously bored-to-death date.
If you don’t want to be the next Lieber, loathed by your server and despised by the kitchen staff, here are a few easy steps to not being the idiot at table 5.
1. Eye contact. One of the most challenging things about being a waitress is how many people treat you as if you are invisible. They go the entire meal without looking at you once. The incidence of this was so widespread I began to wonder if there was some type of social meaning behind it. I could only guess that eating was intimate enough, it prompted people to feign an intimacy that wasn’t there, to shut out any intruder, especially one who’s hands were uncomfortably close to your food. Look your server in the eye. The goal of dining out is great service. Treating your server like a human being is one way to get it.
2. Respect the choreography. Assuming you are dining at something other than the International House of Pancakes, say, at a high-end restaurant where you’ll be served a series of courses, you may want to keep in mind that you are engaged in a certain type of dance here. Play your part. Order within a reasonable amount of time if you want to eat before midnight. Depending on how the house works, we often are guessing how long it’s going to take you to eat which course, and if you decide to wait until the last minute to finally order your main course, except to wait a long time for it.
3. Don’t make a mess. Don’t stick a napkin in a glass. Don’t create a teetering tower of dishes. Don’t pile a bunch of random weird scraps and papers and other gunk on your plate. You are not helping. You are sabotaging. If the server knows what he/she is doing, they are working to keep your table as cleared as possible and your weird rearrangements of random stuff on it is only making their job more difficult. Leave it. Let us get it.
4. If you don’t like something, say something. Servers want you to enjoy your meal for one reason and one reason only. It increases the likelihood you will leave a bigger tip. If you don’t like it, speak up! As soon as possible. Unless we’re a complete dumbass, we should get on that and give you something that you do like in as timely a fashion as possible. Waiting until you’re done to bellyache about how you really didn’t like this, that, or the other, or, worse yet, dinging the server, tip-wise, because you didn’t like something and never said anything about it, is a dining lose-lose.
5. The check. Here’s how to pay the check. When it comes, pick up the book, put your credit card or cash in it, and then slide it to the edge of the table, so we know it’s ready. Don’t pick it up, stare at it, and set it back down next to your plate. Don’t leave it sitting there for half an hour. When the book is returned to you, handle it. Sign the right slip. Retrieve your change. Then slide it back out again, so we now it’s done. Otherwise, we will hover, look at you inquisitively, pick it up, see it’s not ready, and put it back down again.
6. Tip 20 percent or GTFO. The majority of time I spent as a server was at a high-end restaurant. As was the case with fail diner Lieber. Seriously? If you dine at a nice spot, leave a 20-percent minimum tip or dine somewhere else. You’re getting a certain level of food, a certain quality of service, and you’re going to need to pay for that. We both know you know I’m making a few dollars an hour, and if I just spent several hours running around, making you happy, picking up your chewed up food-filled plates, and basically acting like your personal slave for the evening, I’d like to be reimbursed for it.
7. Stay out of the kitchen. That means you, Lieber. And the rest of you, too. That’s our domain. The chef is yelling at a member of the staff? Welcome to our world. Back here, you’re nothing but in our way. We’re working. If that’s not cool with you, let me come and sit on your desk while you’re writing your money column, randomly poking at your keyboard keys, and waving my hands in your face. In that case, I’m sure your column will come out great.
Update: Grub Street has more on the matter from Forgione’s point of view: “I wouldn’t take his money.”
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No, Lieber was right.
When you’re dropping $150+ for dinner — which Lieber likely was — you expect professional behavior, just like you expect his material to be accurate and reliable for your $1.
That means you’re not just buying decent food on a clean plate and a clean tablecloth and a server — but an atmosphere of calm and elegance, certainly in a restaurant like this one. If the boss can’t control his staff, or himself, he’s ripping diners off and he’s a dick.
I was kicked out of a Sydney restaurant for….laughing too loudly. Just because they boot your ass doesn’t mean they’re right.
You and Lieber are wrong. woopdy doo your spending $150, so what. I don’t care if you are spending $1 at mcdonalds you don’t invite yourself in the kitchen. There is nothing “elegante” about that. You would figure that someone that spends $150 on their dinner would at least have a little class.
In response to another comment. See in context »If you don’t like it then don’t come back or complain to your server. So what your saying is if I buy his newspaper and don’t like his article I have the right to go to his office and yell at him and his boss about it. Because that is what he did. I have way to much class to do that. I would instead not buy his newspaper or just not read his article.
I see it as a class thing. There are poeple out there that veiw the working class in this country as a lower class to them who’s main purpose is to service them. When any of those poeple get out of order its just fine to disrespect them while slapping there hand.
[...] http://trueslant.com/susannahbreslin/2010/05/12/dont-go-in-the-kitchen-and-other-tips-from-a-former... a few seconds ago from twitterfeed [...]
ive never worked in a restaurant, but what you say rings true for the service industry as a whole. the customer is not always right. in fact, most of the time they are wrong.
i am a firm believer in firing the worst 5% of customers. they often take every advantage of employees and resources to the detriment of more well behaved (and often better paying) customers. some customers simply do not appreciate it when an employee goes the extra mile to make them happy. they come to expect extraordinary effort as standard operating procedure.
just like all of the people cannot be fooled all of the time, all of the customers cannot be satisfied all of the time. if you spend all of your effort trying to satisfy that 1 customer in 20 that will never be happy, the other 19 will begin to feel ignored.
I’ve posted on deadspin and NYT about this, Lieber was ABSOLUTELY out of place. He is lucky he didn’t get cut. Talk to the server, host, whatever. But DO NOT go into the kitchen.
I’ve bartended several spots in NY and I have never personally seen this happen……..but have heard of circumstances.
Anyone who thinks otherwise is a self-centered, pompous ass!
Great article Susannah…..agree 100%
he is lucky he didn’t get cut?
That is ridiculous.
Maybe walking into the kitchen was not the best idea, but enabling or condoning abusive behavior is weak. I’ve working 15 years in restaurants- the past 9 in fine dining. The idea that all chefs are abusive and scream is a myth. Yes, many are straightforward and assertive. But the idea that b/c you are a chef you get to act like a petulant child is ridiculous and doesn’t need to happen.
In response to another comment. See in context »No problem with anything in the article EXCEPT Step 6. To the contrary, there should be no “minimum tip.” Servers earn their tips. I have no problem giving a server a 25% tip if the service is spot on. If the service is horrible, there is no way I am giving 20% or even 15%. Bad service equals bad tip. I always give something just so the server knows that I was unhappy with their service. Servers are busy, I get that. But that is no excuse for not refilling drinks and/or checking on tables every 5 minutes. Earn the 20% tip or it will not be forthcoming.
I can simplify your 7 rules: always be nice to the person who brings you your food. Once, many years ago, I witnessed a Dread and Tragic Saga of Horrible Revenge, and it convinced me that one of the single stupidest things a human being can do is to be rude or abusive to the the person who prepares and brings you your food- you know, that stuff that they have total control over, that you’re going to put in your mouth and swallow… So just be nice; generous, courteous, co-operative, and polite.
That being said, it does seem rather unprofessional of Chef Forgione to have disciplined his staff in a way that disturbed the patrons, or even in a way that they were aware of- I don’t want to hear the boss screaming at the help in a greasy spoon, much less a 3-star joint. There’s simply no excuse for that. I don’t care how badly the waitstaff screws up, I don’t want to have to hear about it- fire the person if you must, but don’t disturb the meal that I’m paying you for in disiplining him/her. As badly as Mr. Lieber violated the pecking order- in which customers seem to be at the bottom, lower than the dishwashers- I’ve got to sympathize with his instincts. As a patron, it really isn’t my business if the boss is abusive, but if I’m forced to witness that abuse, that’s being rude to me. And, as for the poor waiter…
You see, there’s a nasty sub-text to both your and Mr. Lieber’s posts. Mr. Lieber feels that his meal shouldn’t be disturbed by abusive screaming from the kitchen- and he has a point. You feel that there are certain things a customer should never do, and Mr. Lieber did one of them- and you have a point. Neither of you suggest that perhaps that waiter didn’t deserve to be abused by the boss in the first place. Disciplined, maybe, but abused, no- and what was described was abuse, pure and simple. If it’s unacceptable from the customers, why is it OK from the boss?
So. Mr. Lieber gets a post out of this. You get a post out of this. Chef Forgione gets kudos and free drinks from his peers for having the stones to kick a NY Times critic out of his restaurant. Everybody wins, except for the waiter who, no doubt, got fired over this sorry little affair.
Bullying bosses are a pet peeve of mine. I don’t give abuse and refuse to accept it. I’ve quit jobs rather than deal with assholes. I wouldn’t have gone into the kitchen with my complaint, I would have asked to talk to the chef and, barring that, would have left.
You are paying far more than any food out of the kitchen is worth on its own, you are paying for the total dining experience. If the chef thinks he’s the reincarnation of the “soup nazi”, that he can disturb my dinner by screaming at his help and expect me sit there like I should just be honored that he would deign me with his culinary skill, forget it. I’m out of there. I don’t patronize businesses run by assholes, and I won’t be bought off with a “free dessert” and it doesn’t make it alright that he bought off the kitchen help with a free drink later. Courage is grace under pressure and this chef is a coward.
Now, Ms. Breslin, as far as my dealings with the waitstaff, are you frickin kidding me? You are the server and I am not an idiot.
1. If I am dining with someone, don’t expect me to spend any time developing a relationship with you. I am going to be cordial and pleasant, but I’m not there to stare into your eyes in order to validate your worth as a human being. This is a business arrangement and not a personal one. My actions with you will usually depend on who I am dining with and the purpose of the meal. If I am using this meal as part of negotiating a deal, that is my focus. If I am with a date, that is my focus. Get over yourself.
2-3. I will usually order start through the main course by the time I get my drinks, but sometimes my conversation with my guest takes precedent over your “ballet”. And I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve sat with used plates in front of me for an inordinate amount of time so, when I am done, I’ll move it aside to get it out of my way. Deal with it.
4. If I don’t like something, you’ll usually know about it, but if I don’t want to make a fuss in front of my guest(s), I have waited until the end of my meal and take the server aside to let them know, and if it is something that the server should have prevented in the first place…ding.
5-6. When I am ready to pay, you’ll know it. And who do you think you are, telling me what I should tip? Tipping is an asinine way of running a restaurant front end but, since it is the custom, I will tip what I want, normally within the 15-20% range. I have tipped 50% for outstanding service but as low as 10% for mediocre service, and, believe me, I know the difference. I also know what you are and are not responsible for, so I won’t ding you for something that is not your fault.
I worked in kitchens when I was younger and my daughters have been servers in high school and college, so I am well aware how hard the work is but if you are working in a restaurant like Forgione’s, you are well compensated for a job that can be learned in a short time without a lot of effort. If you feel it is beneath you, get out or just get over yourself.
tipping is not an asinine way of running a restaurant front end. Do you thing the restaurant can afford to pay us what we make in tips? Ha! They are already freaking out about food costs. If things went your way- and the tip system was eliminated- we would all be getting paid minimum wage. And guess what your service would be like then? A frikkin’ nightmare.
In response to another comment. See in context »I read both the links on this and I would like to add a few thoughts…
In my years of studying social psychology I came to believe that it is well within the rights of ANY PERSON to take action in ANY SITUATION that is making them uncomfortable. The “theatrics” of your situation and supposed “role” are all illusions – only appropriate in ideal conditions and you have the RIGHT to step out of that role if you feel compelled. The kitchen is a “sacred” portal that can only be crossed by the chosen few? The Pope is into sacred, er, i mean MOLESTING CHILDREN. Sacred is for people who are hiding something.
Having said that, I hardly believe that people should just up and enter the kitchen for any old reason. Seems that there is enough controversy in this particular situation that maybe he had a point by going into the kitchen. Maybe not. I don’t know either of these people and my opinion would surely be better formed if I did.
Frankly, I did years of restaurant work and eventually left it because of the staff, NOT the customers. Food service is filled with the emotionally challenged and petty, territorial, self centered divas. Not all, but there are plenty of them.
Now the reason it is very popular is because it DOES pay well. Especially in fine dining. At least usually better than other “unskilled” labor. Mind you, I am talking about waitstaff and bartenders. Seems like cooks often get the short end of the stick financially. And yet the most complaining always comes from the waitstaff.
Now dining out is a bit of a gamble. It’s a public space that is not fully in the diner’s control. Sometimes you have to deal with some things you don’t want to. Sometimes your food comes late or is flawed. Personally, I rarely feel the need to complain or bitch about service. When I do, I never presume intention or draw “first blood”. Mistakes happen and unless you are starting to see a pattern, you have to be a little flexible. Give the benefit of the doubt. Then, if it is still bad or gets worse, you have every right to be upset.
All that said, big cities draw big personalities and people who love to get into it with each other. I’ve never waited tables in NY and I can easily imagine the desire to kill many customers. Most of my experience is in much smaller towns where people usually check themselves so that you don’t have to. In smaller towns, the culture of having servants is almost nonexistent compared to big cities where some people get used to having people do things for them. I saw The Devil Wears Prada. There is definitely a class of person out there who loves to tell others what to do, and yell at them when it doesn’t go right. And feels that the ground that they walk on is sacred. Which brings me back to my original point…no Virginia, it’s NOT sacred, somebody is just full of themselves!
I don’t necessarily disagree with any of these rules. Except that, in the original situation that warranted the post, if Lieber can’t violate #7, he’s only left with #4 as an option: “Please tell the chef to quit yelling at you, he’s ruining our meal?” Like that’s going to improve the situation for either the server … or make the chef more disposed toward him or her? There may even be health code issues with non-staff in the kitchen, and I certainly don’t think a diner should just butt in and tell someone else how to do his job or manage his people. But If the ultimate answer is, “Don’t come into the kitchen to tell the chef; tell the waiter to tell the chef” when you’re complaining about the chef’s treatment of that waiter… well, that one’s just not thought through very well, is it?
I have worked in many kitchens over the years, in fact it should be a rite of passage for all American teenagers and college students to work in restaurants, either in the kitchen or waiting or bussing, or whatever. Never go in the kitchen. First of all chef’s are lunatics. Everyone knows that. The good ones are more passionate about food than anything else and this means the entrance of a foreign person into their realm spells disaster. I am baffled by this story. Who does that?
I’m so sick of this idea that the kitchen is so sacred to chef and his genius crazy mastery that he can do whatever he wants and nobody shall step into his domain! Nobody!
In response to another comment. See in context »Give me a break. As a server, we all have to interface with Chef in the kitchen. Chef needs to hear it sometimes. Sometimes Chef forgets that there is a world outside his kitchen (the front of the house, remember?), that world which is our bread and butter? As far as I’m concerned, the FOH is a more sacred space- people just trying to have a nice time, a time spent away from the daily stresses, a time to be served and not have to worry about some petulant baby in the kitchen throwing a tantrum.
Lieber probably shouldn’t have walked into the kitchen. But Chef deserved a wake-up call.
You know where you should never barge in? How about, oh I don’t know, the OPERATING ROOM? Uh, maybe the airplane COCKPIT? Let’s see, I’ve never been in a submarine but I’m sure there’s a place there we shouldn’t go in. Seems WAY more mission critical than stepping into the wrong kitchen. The worst thing that can happen is that people may get their food a little late. OMG!
In response to another comment. See in context »I waited tables for several years and I would add one more. If you haven’t decided what you want, don’t make me wait while you do; I will come back. Nothing drove me crazy more than when I asked a group if they were ready to order, and one person said “you guys go first” while frantically scanning the menu. I knew by the time I got to her — sorry, ladies, but it’s her 85% of the time — she would still be thinking out loud while I stood there. Meanwhile, I have orders coming up in the kitchen, tables to check on, drinks to refill. If you don’t know what you want, do not make the waiter wait! He or she is busy and you screwing up their night.
Also, I disagree with Rule #6. Twenty percent should be the default, but if service is bad, you don’t get 20%. It doesn’t change if you are in a nice restaurant; in a nice restaurant, you pay more, so 20% of more, is more. Personally, I won’t go below 20% if the server makes a mistake. Usually laziness or rude is the only way I will ding someone. And if I am ever eating with someone who says “you aren’t supposed to include alcohol or tax in the 20%”, I say, “you are tonight, cheapskate.” OK, I don’t actually say it, but I think it, and I make sure the server gets the full 20%.
I enjoyed reading most of this article. Except I must say- 2 years in the industry is not very long. I’ve been a server in several different settings- breakfast, casual dining and now fine dining for the past 9 years. I’ve dealt with great chefs, nice chefs (yes, they definitely exist) and a current chef who vacillates between acting like an abusive father and a petulant child. Its horrible. The culture of this particular restaurant is very fear based.
I read all three articles- yours, Lieber’s and Forgione’s comments on Grub street. You are being way too hard on Lieber. He did the right thing in that moment and there is no excuse for Forgione’s behavior. Forgione may believe that his kitchen space is “sacred” but that is just his way of getting away with whatever he wants without facing the consequences. Chefs who act this way have everyone tip-toeing around them to the point where the abuse is being enabled.
Funny thing is- this EXACT situation happened 3 nights ago in my restaurant. Chef screamed at the top of his lungs at one of the FOH staff. The entire restaurant heard it. It was ridiculous. Why did he scream? The same reason Forgione did. Because apps were coming out before amuse-bouche. It happens. Be direct, be assertive. Don’t abuse your staff. I’m seeing a lot of enablers on this site and the NYT’s site in regards to this issue. Abuse is abuse. There is no excuse for it.
This is a classic example of why diners hate eating out. It is not our priviledge to have you serve us, ok? You are getting PAID to serve us. For job that requires virtually no meaningful skills, perhaps you should be grateful you have a job at all. Which brings me to the tip. We should tip 20% or GTFO? No, honey. You provide competent and friendly service you get 15%. You go above and beyond, you get 20%. 25%? LOL!! Get another job. I’ve had it with waitstaff that think they are entitled to a tip, any tip. You’re not. If you don’t like it YOU GTFO! Get another job.
please calm down exkiodexian. I want you to shut your eyes and imagine a world of restaurants where the staff makes no tip and works for an hourly wage. Please try very very hard to imagine this world. It would mean the absolute worst service you have ever experienced in your life. That would be a reason to feel pissed/frustrated about.
In response to another comment. See in context »Yes, we are getting paid to serve you. Minimum wage+tips. Again, take out the tips part and just imagine that world.
You have clearly never waited tables or worked for tips. There is justification behind waitstaff feeling entitled to a better tip. We do deserve it. We do have skills and if you tip below 18-20% you are just a plain ol’ jerk. period.
I know exkiodexian was over the top but tips are earned. I don’t consider myself a jerk for leaving a tip that is less than 18-20% if such a tip is not warranted. If the service is good then 18-20% is certainly reasonable. Poor service that effects the meal and the overall experience is not to be rewarded. Servers who disappear and have to be prompted to refill drinks do not deserve a good tip. Bad service = bad tip (10% or less). Simple.
In response to another comment. See in context »Yes, I yield to your logic lawdawg. If you get genuinely bad service why should you give the server a good tip? I get it.
Don’t forget that servers are also diners, too. We recognize bad service when we get it and I do not condone bad service.
The problem with the article is that it is written by an amateur server. After years of serving you learn to not focus on the single table tip. You learn to calculate your monthly/weekly average income. This way you are able to see the big picture and just focus on the customer, not your tip. This is a much better way to live your life as a server b/c when you get the occasional measly tip you don’t really care.
In response to another comment. See in context »you seriously chopped your argument at the legs with
4. If you don’t like something, say something.
I am currently a waitress. If it weren’t for the money, I would never do it. I hate it. I made a very similar (albeit lengthier) post on my blog:
http://othersmallvictories.blogspot.com/2010/04/24-rules-for-dining-out.html
I’ve got no problem with the advice, and I don’t have a real problem with the 20% tip, an amount I often leave.
My relatives from Europe, however, can hardly stand to leave 10%, and keep forcing us to not tip in most restaurants over there. It’s just Not Done.
My question is about the 20%. I think I’m being pretty generous when I do leave 20%, because the percentage was actually 10% when I was a kid, then one started reading articles about how it was really 15% now. Another few decades pass, and we have 20%.
The problem: the money has been inflating the whole time. A whole family could eat at a very fine restaurant 30 years ago for under $100.
So why the “percentage inflation” on top of the money inflation? Are wait staff proportionally paid less now? Certainly, relative restaurant costs have not gone down.
And secondly, what’s the difference with Europe? Are wait staff paid much more over there, or do they just expect less?
I always like hearing information about what it’s like to be on the other side of the table, but I do have two tiny bones to pick. First, when I eat out, *my* goal isn’t good service; it’s to have good food without cooking it or without having to wash up. I make eye contact with my server and give the 20% tip, but I’m not here to make friends with my server. Second, it’s funny that you think he’s opposing your best interest because the guy said he was trying to stick up for a regular worker. It’s a strange rhetorical situation for this kind of piece.
I probably wouldn’t have gone in the kitchen, but the chef was far more in the wrong here. You don’t loudly scream at employees within earshot of customers–all the talk about how the kitchen is “sacred” or whatever is just silly. If you don’t want me to tell you how to do your job, don’t infringe on my space by doing your job in a shitty, intrusive way that makes me feel uncomfortable. Duh.
As for the tips, I’ve been a waiter, delivery driver, cook, busboy, and dishwasher. I have felt like murdering customers occasionally in every capacity; but the author’s demands on her customers are presumptuous and somewhat asinine. Earn a 20%, don’t feel like you’re automatically entitled to it. If you treat me with basic respect, I won’t be butthurt you didn’t lovingly gaze into my eyes while doing it. I’ll move my dishes if I feel like it, YOU deal with it.