Dave, Please Stop Apologizing
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If Neuroworld is about anything, it’s about healing. Actually, wait — no. It’s about inflicting harm by implying or outright stating that various people are idiots. So, with that in mind, time to wade into the Sarah Palin-David Letterman knocked-up-daughter-joke controversy…
The lovely Ms. Palin is upset about a little joke Mr. Letterman told last week (yes, last friggin’ week and we’re all still talking about it): “One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game… during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.”
I liked it the first time he told it. I liked it when he retold it as part of his first non-apology-apology. And I still like it now, after his sincere (and extremely unnecessary) apology last night. You see, it’s funny because a Christian Right advocate of abstinence-only sex education had her daughter get knocked up by the guy who burns his house down trying to light his bodily emissions on fire.
Aside from the fact that the joke was funny, completely defensible, and really freakin’ funny, there’s another, more basic reason Letterman should stop apologizing: It will never work.
There are a number of reasons for this, all of them supported by science:
1. Apologies can backfire:
According to a recent study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology (“The effects of attributions of intent and apology on forgiveness: When saying sorry may not help the story”), apologies don’t work, and in fact make things worse, when the offended party believes your intent was always to harm them. To quote from the abstract (full study isn’t available for free online): “following an interpersonal transgression, an apology following an attribution of intent might further hinder, rather than benefit, the forgiveness process.” Whether or not Palin ever actually misunderstood — and, really, give us a break — that the joke was about Bristol (the actually knocked up, of-age girl) as opposed to the 14-year-old (who, if past is prologue, will eventually be knocked up), she certainly doesn’t misunderstand that Letterman was taking a slap at her.
To quote from a copy of the study generously provided by its author:
an apology appears to ironically hinder forgiveness even further following attributions of intent for a transgression… it may be ineffective to apologize following intentional transgressions.
…
our findings suggest that the reason that high intent and an apology combine to ironically influence forgiveness emerges from an inference of the transgressor as disingenuous, unpleasant, and nondependable. This pattern of findings suggests that transgressors can be saved by a favorable impression. However, if an unfavorable impression is made, then it is unlikely that an offender will be forgiven.
Presumably, Letterman has made an unfavorable impression on Palin. An apology, under such circumstances, is worse than worthless.
2. Some people can separate intent from punishment / some can’t:
Another recent study (PDF here) on forgiveness (“Innocent intentions: A correlation between forgiveness for accidental harm and neural activity”) shows specifically why someone like Palin isn’t worth apologizing to. Let’s pretend for a second that Palin actually was under the misimpression that Letterman was making an extremely inappropriate joke about her 14-year-old daughter. She doesn’t strike this correspondent as the kind of person who can separate out intention from punishment — or, as this study calls it, a person with high “need for cognition.” A person with high “need for cognition” can separate the outcome of an incident (say a traffic accident that injures someone) from the intent or mitigating factors behind it (it was an accident, the person was in a high state of mental distress, etc.).
Another kind of person, one with “faith in intuition,” is more likely to make moral judgments based on emotion. This is the kind of person one would assume Palin is, based on her time in the spotlight. And this kind of person does not easily forgive based on the defense that someone did not have (as) bad intentions.
3. Repeating an untruth — even to correct it — just embeds the untruth in the public’s mind:
If I had to guess why Letterman keeps apologizing, I’d say it’s because he really is distressed that anyone thinks he was making a sexual joke about a very young girl. He’s said it over and over again, and I’ll repeat it on his behalf: Such a disgusting joke would not be in keeping with his record; I’ve watched him probably since I was five, and he simply doesn’t make jokes like that. Is it so much better that it’s about an 18-year-old girl? Well, it’s comedy. Fer chrissakes, it’s not something you have to defend in front of a jury; it’s funny or it’s not, and then you tell 20 more.
Regardless, if Letterman wants people not to think he made an inappropriate joke about a young girl, he should stop repeating the accusation. We’ve covered this before (and recently), so I’ll just link and reiterate: Repeating the lie reinforces the lie.
4. Sarah Palin is a low-brain-wattage media manipulator:
No explanation necessary.
For Palin’s part, she should just accept the apology, because:
Apologies make us feel better.
Forgiveness is good for your health.
And, after all, women are supposed to have an easier time forgiving than men.
If all else fails, perhaps she can be reminded that she’s capable of screwing up, too. We all deserve a little forgiveness.
UPDATE (6/16/09, 2:05 p.m.): Apparently, Sarah Palin has issued a non-acceptance-acceptance of Letterman’s apology, still claiming that Letterman made a joke about “sexual exploitation of girls.” Her minions, meanwhile, seem unlikely to let the issue go anytime soon.
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I love this post Ryan, spot on!
Ryan, didn’t she also accept the apology on behalf of the Armed Forces? I think she should donate her brain to science.
Susan hasn’t science suffered enough under the repugs?
In response to another comment. See in context »To me, the most interesting question is this: Why David Letterman? Other comedians have certainly joked about Bristol’s situation. Why call out only Letterman?
That’s a very good question. SNL made a joke about Todd Palin raping his daughter (hey, I’m just reporting it), and she went ON that program a few weeks later.
The pattern: It’s OK to make inappropriate sexual jokes about her daughter when it benefits Sarah’s political career.
In response to another comment. See in context »Ryan,
Publicity. That’s all this is really about. Sarah Palin has cast her 14-year-old as a victim and David Letterman as some dirty old man, which he is not. I saw his show last night and I couldn’t help but notice that the applause he got from his sincere apology was weak at best.
Sarah Palin, it could be argued, isn’t exactly Mother-of-the-year. Perhaps her inability to just let this go and forgive David Letterman is because she needs to take the focus of Bristol’s actions because of her own culpability?
David Letterman doesn’t need to defend himself or apologize. NOW has waged a little campaign against him and I have read many opinions from people with columns that are able to spin a simple joke into their own agenda. They are, admittedly, not fans and do not watch the show.
I take comfort in the fact that this is almost over despite the effort to keep it alive. It has been a fun topic to watch on “The View” as they do not agree on whether this was anything significant or not. Barbara Walters seems to suddenly lack a sense of humor and keeps up with the lie that Bristol Palin is “hands-off” because she is not a public person. (Along with the horrid Elizabeth Hasselback.) When you are making the talk show rounds with your Dad speaking out about abstinence, you are a public person. She is a hypocrite, as is her Mom and Dad. Levi stayed overnight with their then underage daughter many times with their blessing. So, one could argue that Sarah Palin and Todd Palin were actually exploiting their own daughter.
I don’t like Sarah Palin for many different reasons, mostly because she is so ignorant about so many aspects of politics and she is a politician…or claims to be. The truth is, she is a celebrity now. She is beating a dead horse with David Letterman as I believe he will continue to use her as fodder if nothing else. A fate she deserves.
My advice to David Letterman is to just let her have it…go for the jugular. He is a comedian and I expect nothing less from him. Your points are all valid, especially why it is in her best interest to forgive him. I don’t have proof yet, but isn’t she really just helping his ratings? The more she speaks out, the more chance of one of her many gaffes.
Sandy
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[...] I wrote about apologies, and why we do or don’t accept them. The context there was the Sarah Palin / David Letterman [...]
It is good to know that politician’s children are now fair game. I know that absolutely none of you will complain when some right wing jerk makes a “knocked up” joke about the Obama children.