More proof that your life is ruined if you didn’t go to Harvard

Oh look, some clown at The Boston Globe, hip to all happenings, knows exactly how Yale has cheated every middle-class white kid of a titillating, flower-scented IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION! omg, 9/11? Upon my soul, 2010 just keeps outdoing itself!

Yes, middle-class high school moppets are totally incapable of receiving a decent education, because the Ivy League admissions process is totally RIGGED, in a bad way, in a way that hurts the middle-classes! And this is extremely hurtful, because even though you will never get a job with your degree in anthropology, at least your parents can tell their dumb boring friends that you went to Columbia or Harvard or Cornell, and subsequently studied anthropology by accident. But if you didn’t go to Columbia, Harvard or Cornell, you might as well infect yourself with leprosy and start your own colony. And that’s straight Gospel! Yes, listen closely as Mr. Neal Gabler explains the terrible truth that plagues America’s college-bound bourgeoisie:

They know that it does matter where you go to college, if not educationally then in terms of social recognition and opportunity. They know that America, for all its professions of meritocracy, is a virtual oligarchy where the graduates of the Ivies and the other best schools enjoy tremendous advantages in the job market. They know that Harvard or Stanford or MIT is a label in our “designer education’’ not unlike Chanel or Prada in clothes.

via The college admissions scam | The Boston Globe.

Okay, first, it is true “elite” higher education is basically 80% brand and 20% networking. Or as this Prestigious Blog once wrote, higher ed has quickly become a “batshit crazy market fueled by sought-after brand names, as if Middlebury was a line of designer hipster jeans.”

But it’s Orc-demon parents like Gabler who maintain this twisted, soul-crushing delusion that the Road to Success begins with a four-year tenure squished between the presumptuous cheeks of an ivy-covered fundillo. And don’t just take my word for it. In the Princeton Review’s 2009 College Hopes and Worries survey, parents were asked, “What ‘dream’ college do you wish [your child] could attend if acceptance and/or cost were not issues?” What a question! And surprise, surprise, when students were asked the same question, they produced a virtual carbon copy of their parents’ “dream colleges.” Ding-ding-ding! Who tricked these poor, totally oblivious and pubescent greasy-haired teenagers into believing there are exactly TEN “dream colleges” worth attending — otherwise it’s best to take up a fentanyl habit and roam the Pacific Coast for bottles and cans? Well, it wasn’t the fuckin’ Easter Bunny.

Just remember: Yalies think it’s clever — nay, chic! — to donate to “anti-charities,” and Harvard sold its name to a designer clothing line, so that America could be forever blessed with the Harvard Yard padded tweed bra. OH MY WORD, WHAT A DREAM!

Hey, Mr. Gabler! Will you let us know when you’re done lindy-hopping with all of the other spawn-of-Satan parents, college counselor schlemiels, two-bit tabloids and College Board sphincters who insist upon a strict IVY OR BUST doctrine?

Thanks!