The ten second test, or, why we are doomed

Yes, it’s time. H-Hour. Time to dive face-first into eduStyle, one of the many popular cyber-destinations for higher ed marketing/circle jerks.

Actually, let’s not, because that sounds daunting/disgusting. Let’s narrow our focus to Edu Checkup, a feature authored by eduStyle contributor Nick DeNardis. DeNardis “reviews higher education websites from the point of view of a first time visitor, while critiquing the design, information architecture and code of the sites.”

Every “checkup” begins with “the ten second test,” which involves DeNardis staring at a website for ten seconds and then describing what he remembers. The ten second test is very important because ten seconds is about as long as any sane “first time visitor” can function without trolling the YouTubes for viral kitten videos. Or sometimes a “first time visitor’s” internet browser will load a website and then ten second later catch fire and explode. As such, an institution of higher learning needs a website that DRIVES IT HOME in less than ten seconds. But drive what home, you might ask? Depends! But here is what DeNardis remembers after giving Michigan State University’s website The Test:

Alright so what I remember is, I dunno I just get this real big science feel, you know, electronics, and there’s a big photo of some like, server racks I think it was, or some testing equipment and it really got me feeling like, kinda a technical, sciencey feel. Other than that I saw a bunch of words…and nothing that really kinda stood out other than the ‘Michigan State University’ up in the top left.

YES, EXCELLENT. You hear that, MSU? The Plan. It’s working!

MSU Admissions Person: So, why are you interested in MSU?

Prospective Student: Well, I visited your website and it felt really “sciencey.” And were those server racks I saw? And those bunches of words! Oh wow I really liked the bunch of words. Anyway, got a real science feel from it, in general, and I kinda like science, so MSU just seems like the perfect fit, you know?

MSU Admissions Person: THANK YOU NICK DENARDIS! I WANT TO MAKEOUT WITH YOUR TONGUE CAVE XOXOXO

Who invented this magical Ten Second Test? CollegeBoard? Nobody knows for sure, but for a mere $49 Solo-E Certified Entrepreneur Expert and Social Media Strategist Nancy Marmolejo will teach your Facebook Profile how to make even the hardest-to-get man-stud desire you, physically and in many other ways, in only — yes, you guessed it — TEN SECONDS! EYE FEAST:

YOU'VE GOT LESS THAN 10 SECONDS TO PROVE YOURSELF SEXUALLY TO NANCY MARMOLEJO, ON THE TWITTER!

Then there’s the Ten Second Test’s bastard son, 15 Second Marketing, some sort of insane VHS series that teaches businesspersons the Ancient Mesopotamian Art of The 15 Second Sell:

THE MOST INTENSE 15 SECONDS OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE

“Are those server racks I see? HOT DOG, I’m interested! Here’s my card. Why don’t you give me a call on Tuesday around 9 and tell me more?”

Yes, American Higher Education is taking its cues from internet marketing scams.

Brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand brand TIME’S UP! WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?