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Dec. 7 2009 - 5:43 pm | 1,241 views | 1 recommendation | 4 comments

BREAKING NEWS: University of Michigan denies that it is illegal to masturbate in the shower

Fellow True/Slanter Jen Doll entered the terrible bowels of the Huffington Post and returned with a delectable flyer reminding University of Michigan students that jerkin’ the Gurken whilst showering is against the law/dishonorable/plagiarism.


Then True/Slant Czar Michael Roston told me I was fired forever if I didn’t call the University of Michigan and get the inside scoop — How many students have been expelled for masturbating in the shower? And are you allowed to aim the shower head at your private bits, even if it feels great?

These are questions that would launch a thousand ships.

MUCKRAKING 101: 1:27 pm – Give the university’s Public Affairs Office a ring. Woman picks up. “Dana.” She’s a smooth talker but I’m not that easy. Dana takes my information and asks if there’s a deadline for the story. “If I could hear back by 4.” If I don’t have the story by 5:30 Michael Roston will change my True/Slant gravatar to Dick Butt. No time to waste.

3:55 pm – “Rick” from Public Affairs calls. “Just a student prank,” he says. So he says.

4:30 pm – Visit the university’s website. Search for, “Can I masturbate in the shower?” No results. Now I know for sure Rick is lying to me but how can I prove it?

5:20 pm – No leads. Dead end. For Pete’s sake.



4 Total Comments
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  1. collapse expand

    Riley: Never expose the puppet master’s strings, or, if you’re a Muppet, the puppet master’s hand up your butt. Your Dick Butt.

  2. collapse expand

    Thank you, Riley. Due diligence more honorable than shower masturbation. I think.

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    I am currently Wonkette's man-strumpet/gossip columnist. Assuming nothing catastrophic happens in the next two semesters, I will graduate from Wheaton College in May, 2010 -- no, not from the nutty Christian jihad Wheaton. The other one, the one you've never heard of, in Massachusetts.

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