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Oct. 19 2009 - 10:29 pm | 212 views | 3 recommendations | 3 comments

Are you an unhappy college student? Don’t worry, you’re probably just extremely mentally ill

Here’s the provocative opening sentence to a really really really terrible infuriating mind-numbingly awful NPR story:

They may not tell their roommates or even close friends, but on college campuses all across the United States, more students than ever before are seeking psychiatric help, according to recent national surveys of campus therapists.

via Colleges See Rise In Mental Health Issues.

Yes, so, why are so many students — all across the United States! — seeking psychiatric help? Let’s see … could it be because they are all massively in debt? No, no, that can’t be it. Maybe they’re all sad because even after they get their fancy B.A. no one will give them a job, ever? No, that’s a preposterous notion. Oh, wait! Maybe it’s because they were told as children, again and again and again, that college is the most important four years of their lives and oh wow, college! And now they’re at college and maybe it isn’t as amazing as a herd of magical unicorns — like everyone said it would be? NO that can’t be it. Please tell us NPR, why are so many college students so mopey?

Eisenberg and other experts say they haven’t yet teased out all the reasons behind the surge of mental health issues on campus, but think it doubtful that today’s teenagers are more psychologically disturbed than past generations. Other explanations seem more likely.

Better screening and earlier diagnosis of mental illness in high school and even before may be one factor, Eisenberg says.

Oh of course! It’s because students that are unhappy are actually just unstable, bona fide lunatics! It has nothing to do with being unhappy, because there are things to be unhappy about. If college depresses the dickens out of you, you must be a Looney Tune! Totally and completely off your rocker! A maniacal madman! Why are you so psychologically disturbed? Aren’t you looking forward to networking?

Because if you aren’t, Jesus Lord — leave already! We don’t need your kind. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH AMERICAN HIGHER EDUCATION, WHAT’S WRONG IS YOU.

Goodbye. The End.


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  1. collapse expand

    How about, also, that having a therapist is common parlance for twenty and thirtysomethings these days? It’s almost more stigmatized if you haven’t ever gone…at least among my peers.

  2. collapse expand

    I think this is a very relevant article. We’ve been sold a bill of goods – that we will be guaranteed a good job if only we go into huge debt for an education. I believe educational costs, as well as those of housing and other commodities, have been blown up way out of proportion to their value, because of tax breaks for high income individuals who then bid up the prices of everything far beyond their worth – and who, at the same time depress wages via market pressure.

    In addition, I question the value of education if we have people who buy into the spin by the finance industry and by the media spinning dubious concepts such as rising home prices, positivity, etc. Who is driving this bus and why? Wall Street is – because they make huge amounts of money from indenturing the American consumer on every front while depressing his wages and in return offering money at usury interest rates to try to obscure the income disparities they insist are essential to good capitalism.

    Also, by boxing everyone in to a corporately controlled environment which demands college degrees, rather than having an interesting society where people still make a living utilizing many talents such as working with one’s hands, they maintain control and indenture most consumers into the debt for education system, and thereafter, a lifetime of debt burdens as a consumer.

    Until we eliminate the extreme income inequality and sophistry that is supply side economics, our society will suffer from the overpriced and overrated – and from the tunnel vision that results from great income disparity.

    Lastly, there is the issue of exactly what is important in learning. If we are not questioning, protesting, and changing the constant media spin by big pharma, big finance, the housing industry, the food industry, politicians, and other self interested entities, then we are not getting the proper education in the first place.

    Put away all of your credit cards, live on your salary alone while also saving, look at the post graduate ads touting $40K jobs (this after you spend around $125K getting that degree)- and you will get a real education as to what is happening in America – wages are being decimated, period. No amount of hype over college degrees can obscure the fact that the “free market” has depressed wages beyond recognition, rewarded reckless speculation, rewarded conformity and lack of creativity, and encouraged the wage-depressed to take on crushing debt and stress to get a degree. The system is broken and needs repair desperately.

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    I am currently Wonkette's man-strumpet/gossip columnist. Assuming nothing catastrophic happens in the next two semesters, I will graduate from Wheaton College in May, 2010 -- no, not from the nutty Christian jihad Wheaton. The other one, the one you've never heard of, in Massachusetts.

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