Are you an unhappy college student? Don’t worry, you’re probably just extremely mentally ill
Here’s the provocative opening sentence to a really really really terrible infuriating mind-numbingly awful NPR story:
They may not tell their roommates or even close friends, but on college campuses all across the United States, more students than ever before are seeking psychiatric help, according to recent national surveys of campus therapists.
Yes, so, why are so many students — all across the United States! — seeking psychiatric help? Let’s see … could it be because they are all massively in debt? No, no, that can’t be it. Maybe they’re all sad because even after they get their fancy B.A. no one will give them a job, ever? No, that’s a preposterous notion. Oh, wait! Maybe it’s because they were told as children, again and again and again, that college is the most important four years of their lives and oh wow, college! And now they’re at college and maybe it isn’t as amazing as a herd of magical unicorns — like everyone said it would be? NO that can’t be it. Please tell us NPR, why are so many college students so mopey?
Eisenberg and other experts say they haven’t yet teased out all the reasons behind the surge of mental health issues on campus, but think it doubtful that today’s teenagers are more psychologically disturbed than past generations. Other explanations seem more likely.
Better screening and earlier diagnosis of mental illness in high school and even before may be one factor, Eisenberg says.
Oh of course! It’s because students that are unhappy are actually just unstable, bona fide lunatics! It has nothing to do with being unhappy, because there are things to be unhappy about. If college depresses the dickens out of you, you must be a Looney Tune! Totally and completely off your rocker! A maniacal madman! Why are you so psychologically disturbed? Aren’t you looking forward to networking?
Because if you aren’t, Jesus Lord — leave already! We don’t need your kind. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH AMERICAN HIGHER EDUCATION, WHAT’S WRONG IS YOU.
Goodbye. The End.