Please tell Tufts about your roommate’s sex life
Oh wow, check out this muckraking journalism from the Boston Herald:
Dorm rooms doubling as steamy love huts have Tufts University throwing cold water on sex on campus – at least when horny students let it all hang out in front of red-faced roommates.
“You may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is present in the room,” tuts Tufts’ 2009-10 guest policy, newly revised in response to student gripes about rambunctious roomies and their raunchy romps.
Problem solved!
Seriously, how does Tufts expect to enforce this policy? Scenario: Your roommate is having sex and you don’t like it — but you don’t want to say anything to him/her because obviously that would just be totally insane — so you sprint to the Dean’s office at 2 am, whilst screaming in agony and flailing about. After reporting this terrible atrocity to the Dean — it’s now 3 am, because there was a line — you return to your room, only to discover that the sex ended 59 minutes ago! And now the Dean has to swab the room for semen. Interrogate possible suspects. Collect hair samples. Then your roommate is summoned by some sort of hearing board, which specializes in “dorm room sex” cases. But your roommate appeals, because the semen they found was four years old. Then the case goes before the Dorm Sex Appellate Board. It’s nine months later, and your roommate has already transferred to Middlebury (side note: you suck, Middlebury).
Another option is to document the crime as it’s committed! Boston Herald commenter Ibanez10 explains:
I immediately am volunteering to monitor these activities. I will give complete written and video reports to the Dean so he can decide what to do. He may have to watch them a few times to be sure the events are against school policy. HA, how stupid this is. A school regulation to force ethics, commonsense, morals etc. Who’s raising these kids? My only worry was my roomie blasting the stereo. Macks earplugs worked good. This bunch will be running the country one day? Good grief.
In conclusion, the Boston Herald called college sex, “sex-tracurricular activities.”
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This needs to be explained? Eeew.
I could spend an entire journalism class (or two!) dissecting that first sentence alone: “Dorm rooms doubling as steamy love huts have Tufts University throwing cold water on sex on campus – at least when horny students let it all hang out in front of red-faced roommates.”
This should so win a Pulitzer.
Person complaining about their roommate having sex = Person that is not having enough sex.
Then again, I’ve lived in Somerville, MA. There are not a lot of good reasons for people of any gender to be having sex there.
Thank God I never lived in a dorm.
[...] That’s enough for today. At this point, in the olden days of journalism we’d all go across the street for a drink. In the new days of journalism we bask in the glow of Pygmy hippo born in Rotterdam zoo (aka, jesus christ that’s cute) and Please tell Tufts about your roommate’s sex life. [...]
I thought this was one of the reasons college was “fun”?
hey riley,
side note: this is not the first anti middlebury commentary i’ve read from you. just wondering, what did my poor alma mater do to deserve all this wrath?
cheers
astri
[...] news regarding the rigorous application process for acceptance to Medford’s #1 perv emporium and institute of higher learning: It is reading season at the Tufts University admissions office, [...]