How I learned to not worry and love college rankings
Once upon a time — long before 9/11 — a bunch of morbidly obese people sat in the offices of U.S. News & World Report, trying desperately to think of a way to save their unfortunate tabloid from extinction.
“I know!” exclaimed Hammy Buttchunks, a World Report veteran. “We’ll declare ourselves the undisputed authority on American higher education, and then we’ll rank colleges and universities and stuff.”
“That sounds really complicated though. How are we going to rank them?” asked some rational jerk.
“Oh, that’s easy,” said Hammy. “Uh, we’ll just create a totally arbitrary formula. Like, uh …” He waddled over to the blackboard at the front of the room, and began to scribble wildly.
Wheezing with mental exhaustion, Hammy put his piece of chalk down. He nodded quietly to himself, and then motioned to his colleagues. “What do you think?” he asked. A moment of silence. Total awe. The room erupted with chortles of glee.
Hammy’s formula was immediately celebrated as the greatest human achievement of the century. Ronald Reagan awarded Mr. Buttchunks the finest kilo of Nicaraguan Contra cocaine, and the Queen Mother insisted that he be buried in Westminster Abbey. It was awesome.
And during long cold lonely nights, college administrators now had the perfect masturbation material. “We’re ranked seventh by U.S. News & World Report! Seventh! Seveeeennnnthhh! Oh God yessssss. Yesss!” It was awesome.
But it’s 2009, things have changed.There’s lots of other rankings for colleges to jerk off to now. Like the wild and crazy rankings Forbes published last week. Their methodology is a little bit more sophisticated than Hammy’s: Number of Rhodes Scholars + How Many Rich Alumni * RateMyProfessor.com.
Don’t even worry about it. Just rip some bong or something, stare at a wall, and try to imagine a world where your education isn’t ranked by fucking tabloids and two-bit rags. Go to your happy place and fantasize about higher education before it was hijacked by corporate douchebags and marketing firms.
Serenity now.
The End.
Post Your Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment
T/S Members
Log in with your True/Slant account.
Mr. Waggaman,
Well done you, yes the UN&WR ranking are completely meaningless. However, carry the same thought a step or two further. Even if these arbitrary numbers even did somehow measure how “good” a university was, what would that mean to a graduating high school seniors? How much “better” would be my education be at a top 10 school vs. a bottom 10 school? I have graduated four times from three different universities, one of which is totally unranked, one ranked rather low, and one in the top 25 overall. The only reason I even attended the “big name” school was because it offered a degree and major that was not offered at very many schools (there are only two schools in California that offer the combination of degree and major I needed, one of which is four hundred miles away). I can tell you that the quality of the instruction was every bit as good at the “no name” universities was as it was at the famous one and I paid a tiny fraction of the tuition.
Oh, agreed. The very notion of “ranking” institutions is absurd. A “top 20″ school might be great for some students, and awful for others. And that’s it. It’s that simple.
Rankings are baloney. What’s the right fit for the student? Of course, that’s not any fun for colleges and universities. They want a rank so they can talk it up and put out press releases. See: circle jerk.
In response to another comment. See in context »