College counselors are decadent and depraved
As this is my first post here at True/Slant, a brief introduction might be appropriate: The Diploma Mill is a blog about America’s most decadent, soul-sucking hemorrhoid — known in some circles as Higher Education.
But enough with the introductions. Let us begin our magical journey through this wondrous, ivy-covered abscess!
This morning I was reading the New York Times, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I came across a very special front page article about college counseling, which is just a fancy term for “pyramid scheme” — you know, what got Bernie Madoff in all that trouble. Why did Bernie ruin so many lives by promising his clients they’d get into Yale? Anyway:
The free fashion show at a Greenwich, Conn., boutique in June was billed as a crash course in dressing for a college admissions interview.
Yet the proposed “looks” — a young man in seersucker shorts, a young woman in a blue blazer over a low-cut blouse and short madras skirt — appeared better suited for a nearby yacht club.
Jiminy! I never knew you could apply Early Decision to Ralph Lauren.
But thank goodness for these talented college counselors, who help anxious 8th graders prepare for the rigorous college application process! Have you taken the Pre-PSAT yet? It’s six hours of pounding your head against a wall — don’t forget to bring your TI-83, there’s a math section! It’s very important if you want to do well on the PSAT. And do you play an instrument? No? Start taking Didgeridoo lessons. Colleges like that music stuff.
Of course, world-class college counselors are forced to charge more for their wizardry, since their sage advice is sought by endless hordes of accomplished high school students who want to go to Harvard so they can say they go to Harvard. Michele Hernandez, who charges a measly $40,000 for her services, is one such blue-blooded counselor-sorceress:
“It’s annoying when people complain about the money,” the Vermont-based counselor, Michele Hernandez, said. “I’m at the top of my field. Do people economize when they have a brain tumor and are looking for a neurosurgeon? If you want to go with someone cheaper, or chance it, don’t hire me.”
Amen, sister! Not being accepted to Harvard is WORSE THAN PROLIFIC BRAIN CANCER. And Dr. Hernandez knows that every poorly-written personal statement she rewrites saves another boring, rich, white teenager from having to go to a safety school, which is basically a death sentence, really. God bless you, Michele. You have touched so many lives.
None of this is surprising. Now that corporate culture has wrapped its slimy tentacles around academia, the consumption of higher education is just another batshit crazy market fueled by sought-after brand names, as if Middlebury was a line of designer hipster jeans. Might as well be.
What a racket.
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I’m so glad you’re part of the neighborhood.
I’m a t/s blogger, but also the parent of a recent high school graduate, so my daughter recently finished the college application process. And what an absurd, outrageous, demanding, and stupid process it is.
But, I have written about college counselors and I think this story made them sound more ridiculous than they are. There are many times I think it’s actually worth hiring them, although I’m talking about the ones that charge more on the order of $2,000. As one example, a family whose daughter was going through a melt-down and who hired a counselor mostly to be an impartial third party. That counselor helped her get organized, find a few schools she liked, get through the process. She got into a school she loves and it simply wouldn’t have happened without this counselor.
I know, many people couldn’t afford that $2,000. But it was a worthwhile investment.
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So excited for this Personality Parade of universities.
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[...] higher education is basically 80% brand and 20% networking. Or as this Prestigious Blog once wrote, higher ed has quickly become a “batshit crazy market fueled by sought-after brand names, as [...]
[...] exaggerated baloney teenagers stuff their Common Apps with? Does he not have the decency to pay a college counselor $40,000 to give Harvard Admissions a rim job, you know, to “put in a good word for him”? Does [...]
You should be getting paid to write, you know. If no one is paying you currently, I hope you get paid soon – you deserve it!
And thanks for relieving me of the growing suspicion that I might only find more of the same drivel on true/slant that I’ve been tripping over a little too often recently. My faith is renewed!