On Courage and Soldier Suicide

In January 2009, the number of soldiers who committed suicide was greater than the number killed in combat in Iraq and Afghanistan. In that month, 24 soldiers took their own lives, compared with just 4 in January 2008. Soldier suicides have reached a greater number than any time in the last 30 years.

The Army is killing itself.

The reasons are many. The stress of multiple deployments, PTSD, divorce and substance abuse, combined with the easy availability of weapons, have led all too many American soldiers to death at their own hands. In the military, there has historically been a stigma attached to those who seek psychological counseling. As a result, some soldiers try to bury strong and painful emotions.

But one soldier has come out of the closet with his PTSD struggle. CJ, a blogger at “A Soldier’s Perspective,” wrote an incredibly moving essay about the battle that still rages within him, long after his combat service ended.

He is a leader, and though he wrote the essay for many reasons, one of them was to show his men that the stigma attached to those who seek help is no more.

CJ has an internet radio show called You Served Radio, and I was his guest one Thursday in April, talking about this story that I wrote for The Washington Post.

I don’t know if he and I agree on many things, but I find his honesty about this struggle inspiring. People—especially politicians—talk a lot about the courage of our “fighting men and women.” I don’t think most of those people have any idea what they’re talking about.

Fighting is not easy. But soldiers are given training, manuals and repetitive exercises so they know what to expect on the battlefield. For suicide prevention they receive a one-hour briefing and maybe watch some PSAs on the Armed Forces Network while in the chow hall.

In my experience, the emotional battles are much harder for soldiers to fight than a physical enemy. When a leader like CJ stands up and says, “Hey, this is a real problem, and I need to get help,” it gives other soldiers a template to work from if they ever feel overwhelmed. That is leadership. That is real courage.

Below is an excerpt from his essay, the entirety of which can be found here. Read every word:

I am always tired. No matter how long I “sleep,” I NEVER wake up rested. I toss and turn throughout the night. I lie awake for hours enjoying the company of the beautiful woman beside, soundly sleeping. Sometimes, I get up and walk around the house or surf the internet. I’m not willing to get specific about the things keeping me awake at night publicly, but it’s a combination of bad dreams, everyday stresses, and physical discomfort. I have a prescription to Vicodin for nights that I can’t sleep through the pain that I rarely take. I’m afraid to get addicted to the pills if I take them every time I need them. A bottle typically lasts me about six to eight months. But, when I take them I keep Emily awake. Sometimes, they even keep me awake. I’m not in pain, but they make me itch.

I’m not comfortable being around people. I’m not the social butterfly I pretend to be anymore. This year’s Milblog Conference was the most uncomfortable I’ve been in years. I used to love being the center of attention of making an ass out of myself. I don’t like doing anything anymore. I hate leaving the house and when I do, I make sure I’m always armed. There’s a sense of impending doom just walking out my front door.

One of the things that keeps me up at night is the fact that I expend a LOT of energy trying to keep my life in order. For many years I’ve had memory issues and it’s gotten much worse lately. I have to write EVERYTHING down or I forget it. I’m not talking about complicated things or detailed things, I’m talking about virtually everything. I forget meetings, appointments, names, faces, promises made, places I’ve been, things I’ve done or not done, etc. The list literally goes on and on. It’s frustrating because I used to be a virtual encyclopedia of information. Now I have to strain to remember anything.

The stigma is hereby dead. I challenge all leaders to understand this and apply it where they can. Our troops need to understand that there is nothing weak about seeking help. I know because it has been much harder to acknowledge these issues than to hide them. It’s been a lot harder knowing I may very well be ending my career by admitting that I’m not all there mentally. Talking about this now after 15+ years – and prior to being eligible for retirement benefits – is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. I am, but I trust the Army on its word and I’m challenging that mentality. And as I do so, I will be documenting most of my progress here. There are still a great many issues I will probably never feel comfortable talking about, but I owe to others out there that may be trying to hide their problems for fear of losing their jobs or risking their reputation. I need to lead by example. And if I can do it, so can you!