Ten Movies That Should Never be Remade in 3-D

Last night “Avatar” took the Golden Globe for “Best Picture” and its director took the “Best Director” award home. The 3-D science fiction film has since its December release made an astounding $1.6 billion worldwide and just under $500 million in North America alone. This titanic success has studio executives and animation studios looking to update their backlog of movies with new 3-D technology. “Toy Story” is on the list, so is “The Matrix” and “Lord of the Rings.” It also seems that with the fever for 3-D, movie studios have found a safer way to protect their investment, since illegal downloads and blackmarket copies of these films are only in 2-D and therefore not nearly as intense an experience. In honor of this new upswing in 3-D, which may be coming to your home television soon enough, here’s a list of ten films that should never, ever be remade for 3-D.

1. “Jaws”: It seems inevitable that Spielberg’s 1975 hit would be headed for a theater near you in 3-D, but I hope it does not. Not that it would not be thrilling to see the old shark dragged back for the shock the audience would get, but is it really worth it to change history just for a couple moments of shock and awe. After all, there is still Shark Week in 3-D.

2. “300″: The whole point of this movie was to play up the bloodiness and famous narrative of Ancient Greece and Persia in the Battle of Thermopylae. Remaking this in 3-D would ruin the time period feel, making it more of an amusement park ride than a gruesome flick set long, long ago.

3. “Gigli”: You knew this would be on this list. This movie should never be remade or re-released ever, or ever seen again, for any reason, other than if there happens to be a convention to discuss how to prevent these sorts of things from happening in the future. No matter how strong the desire is to see J-Lo in 3-D. And on this point, the terrible “The Cell” should not be remade in 3-D either.

4. “The City of Lost Children”: This wonderful movie, with its foreboding, surreal imagery, the oddly warped dimensional shots, and nightmarish texture should be left as it is. Please.

5. Disney’s “Aladdin”: Though there is some potential for that famous magic carpet ride and Robin Williams’ bulbous, top-heavy blue genie to claim some new ground here, I think it’s best to leave what’s good alone. The look of the late-eighties and early-nineties Disney animated films is so genuine and precious, 3-D would only make it feel cheap and forced.

6. All Holocaust movies: “Schindler’s List,” “The Pianist,” etc. 3-D, please stay far away from Holocaust movies. It’s hard enough to accept this happened in 2-D.

7. “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown;” “Garfield’s Halloween Adventure;” and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”: I know these are not technically films, but please don’t touch them. I am not even sure you can turn stop-motion film (Rudolph) into 3-D, but remaking these gems would be like taking huge chunks of everyone’s childhood, erasing it, and then inserting a computer chip where innocence and nostalgia once existed.

8. “A Clockwork Orange”: Kubrick’s 1971 film made from the Anthony Burgess novel. The dark psychedelic imagery and sociological statements on reconditioning the brain are best suited to 70’s experimental attitudes. If this movie were ever seen in 3-D, expect some real-life Alex DeLarge’s suffering from sever aversion therapy shock to be roaming the streets.

9. “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure”: Pee-wee’s absurdist fairytale search for his missing bicycle might seem tailor-made for 3-D. Large Marge, anyone? The gadgets and inventions that pop and spring in every direction. Still, Pee-wee, or Paul Reubens, is much funnier in the new comedic life he has created. I am not sure in this day and age that we’d find the Pee-wee Herman character amusing or tolerable anymore.

10. “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”: They already tried to remake this one and even with the enjoyably erratic and eccentric Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka and with Tim Burton at the helm, it failed to deliver. Burton and Depp have teamed up for the upcoming “Alice in Wonderland,” which is in 3-D, but I hope Willy and his kooky factory are left alone for now. Nothing has managed to top Gene Wilder in the 1971 version.

via Avatar sparks 3-D makeover for action classics – Times Online.