Van Jones Sore Over Botched Steele Deal

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Dear God,

Michael Steele owes me! Big time! He promised me a deal, and he has to deliver. We were going to work together, or I thought so. I guess I was too anxious to consider the consequences of working with MICHAEL STEELE!!! I should have known better. But Steele still owes me! He owes me BIG TIME!!!

I know how I got into this mess. Steele and I were at one of our secret “peanut butter and lobster” luncheons under the Lincoln Memorial when he popped the request. I remember he was all sweaty when he explained that he wanted to “green” his public image, and he wanted me to do it for him. “Green me, baby! Green me!” he urged. He owes ME!

I told him, “Look, as the RNC chairman, you got all the money you want to make your image better. You don’t need me.” But he wouldn’t stop: “I need you, brother! I need you! You’re the only one who can help me here. These crackers are colorblind. The greens they think they see are the color purple.”

Did you catch that, Lord? He subtly dropped a reference to the movie, “The Color Purple.” I love that movie, and here I thought You were trying to tell me something. I knew I should have never trusted him. Looking back, the signs were right in front of my face. Of course, there was my public flogging I received last year. But, hey, I can forgive and forget if the money is right, you know?

How do you think I became involved in “green capitalism” anyway? Damn, if you can “green” capitalism, you can green anything! Hell, if you can use “green” as a verb, you can DO anything! That’s what PR is all about, and I’m all about the public relations. You don’t get into the Obama administration for knowing how to “brown” anything, you know?

But let’s not forget: Steele owes me! So what happened was that Steele came to me. He came to ME. I didn’t come to him. He came to ME wanting ME to help him. I was just about to walk out on him until he said he wanted to make amends and help me improve my image. I said, “Hey get me in front of 100 wealthy young conservatives to talk about sustainability, and we have a deal.”

Then, he came out of the blue with: “I’ve got something better. How about you help us create a chain of environmentally-friendly, sustainable strip clubs?” I thought he was crazy, that is, before I saw (in my head) the stripper poles for the bamboo forest. I had the blueprints all ready to go. He said he had the money. His office was practically giving it away – to his youth groups though! I’m sure you heard about them, huh, Lord?

I don’t know what made me give him access to my private green ideas either. I have this one great idea for green transportation. It calls for animals to be genetically-modified – essentially bred – to super large sizes. In the future I believe humans will travel overseas on the backs of giant birds, commute to work on giant elephants, and run to the grocery store on giant ants.

My ideas for greening the military are just as innovative. Remember the He-Man cartoon? Remember Battle Cat, He-Man’s trusty feline sidekick? Multiply Battle Cat by several hundred thousand, along with Pegasus and the Loch Ness Monster, and there you’ve got America’s new sustainable land, air, and sea forces.

The green part in all of these enormous animals comes with the fuel source: the enemy combatants. With no fossil fuels, there’s no carbon emission into the atmosphere to cause climate change. Yes, there’s poop, but poop is fertilizer! We’d have gardeners following the animals’ war paths picking up the poop for “victory gardens.” Like that? Jobs don’t get any greener than that, huh?

But remember MICHAEL STEELE OWES ME!!! How do I get him to pay me back for all the work I put into those green strip club plans, Lord? How? I’m afraid that he will steal my green transportation and green military ideas, too. I should have patented them when I had the chance. But I had no money to patent them! I should have had him sign a non-disclosure agreement contract. Something!

Now I’ve got to keep riding this feel-good, New Age spiritual Revelation Conference tour with that fella from The Secret this May. I was planning on skipping it, but it doesn’t look like I can now. If you can make sure that something with Steele will happen between now and my May 11 talk at the University of California – San Diego, I’d appreciate it because I need the cash.

Frustrated,
Anthony “Van” Jones