Rush Limbaugh Denied ‘Soul Transplant’ Again

Dear God,

Why have you denied me a soul transplant again?! I filled out all the necessary paperwork. I’ve taken all the tests. I’ve been baptized I don’t know how many times. I’ve paid up for my sins this month, right? Did I miss a payment or something? Your Bible doesn’t say. I thought I was covered. I should be covered! I got the best spiritual plan on the market. What gives?

I’m ready to die. Anytime! Send your Angel of Death to kill me now. I can’t take this pain I inflict on others any longer. Ever since my pact, I’ve had to lie in order to breathe, to physically exist in this world. No more! I can’t lie any more. I’ve hurt too many people. Al Franken included. He’s a U.S. senator now, you know? He’s hurting so much. I can tell because I could hear it in his voice when he took down Joe Lieberman.

I acknowledge that I’ve destroyed Al Franken. He was such a good man – such a decent, honest guy. He would have never annihilated Lieberman like he did before he wrote his book about me. It’s a shame. He had no idea of the trap I laid for him. Blast Satan! Blast him to… well, his home in hell, I suppose. See? It’s just so sad. I feel so awful. I’m responsible. I’m so so sorry.

I could name hundreds of thousands of people – priests, politicians, ponies – I’ve hurt over the years I’ve been a radio entertainer. There’s not enough space on my computer to name them all. I’m not Morman, you know? I don’t keep a database of the people… See, there I am lying again. Yes, I keep a database of people whose lives I destroyed. The Mormans do destroy lives though. Just kidding. They don’t – at least not intentionally.

But I’m willing to change. I’m willing to be forgiven, too. The thing is that I can’t do so unless you’ve given me a soul transplant. The one I got is so nasty and corrupt. It can never be clean. Ever! There’s no amount of praying, charity, or sacrifice. In fact, I should have re-applied for a soul transplant before Christmas since those virgin sacrifices to the volcanoes in Hawaii were such a waste.

The soul transplant can be a temporary one like one you let Jay Leno borrow to get The Tonight Show. Man, what that guy won’t do! I was really in awe of his work after he took Johnny Carson’s chair. He did absolutely nothing creative with it! The only thing he made “better” was his pocketbook. He will never reach my level though. There’s still a part of him that is immune to the disease of wealth.

As for possible souls you can loan me, let me suggest a few. Any of the actresses from ‘80s TV show “The Facts of Life” will work. Actually, since I’m so morbidly obese, it’s best that you loan me all of them: Mindy Cohn, Nancy McKeon, Lisa Whelchel, Cloris Leachman, Charlotte Rae, and Leonardo DiCaprio. They have pure spirits and bubbly personalities each one.

Of course, that’s just to make the journey to heaven. I’ll need a more souls for the return trip, so you might as well include the actresses from the earlier “Life” years: Jenny O’Hara, Molly Ringwald, Felice Schachter, Julie Piekarski, Julie Anne Haddock, Pamela Segall, and Sherrie Krenn. They should soften the fall nicely.

If they are unable to commit, may I suggest the originally cast from the “Clueless” movie (1993). They’re younger supple souls. It’s a shame that I can’t have Brittany Murphy’s soul. I had my eye on her for a while. However, having Alicia Silverstone and Breckin Meyer together in my body will be a pleasure. Not a big Pull Rudd fan though.

Which brings me to my “over my dead body” list. Don’t loan me the souls of Stacey Dash or Kim Fields. It’s not that I’m racist. I’ll take Tiger Woods’ soul while he’s on sabbatical. Michael Jordan’s too. He’s got class. Did you see him tell off his teammates as he got into the Basketball Hall of Fame? Jordan’s spirit could probably lift me to heaven and slam me to hell in one fell swoop.

No, it’s just that I don’t want any strong, talented women inside me in any shape or form, especially Tyler Perry. But as far as you know, I could be lying right now. You have no real way of knowing what is truth and what is lie. You’re like the media, and I make the media crazy. I know how they operate. I run them in circles and squares and hexagons. They never know what hits them when words come out of my mouth.

Yet, all I want is to be able to see the lights in heaven just once. Just once! And you hold the light switch. I know you’ve denied me this request before, and I wish you would finally accept it, so I must ask you again. If you can find it in your heart, though you don’t have a heart because you’re not human (anymore), please give me a soul transplant. I won’t need it for very long anyway.

At the very least, you could credit me the soul that Pat Robertson currently has: Jessica Alba. I would love to have her beautiful naked soul in me before she exposes herself to the world like Massachusetts’ next U.S. Senator Scott Brown. (What a hunk you know?) I will be making my exit from this earthly abode shortly, so we mustn’t wait!

Your Waste of Human Life,
Rush Hudson Limbaugh III