Jane Hamsher Advocates Health Bill Fix With Pilers, Blowtorch

Dead God,

I think I’ve found my direction. It took this health care “debate” to knock me to my senses. Not since I dealt with the legal battles from my memoir has so much of my hair fallen out. I kept telling myself that maybe I can bring the “Tank Girl” look back. My assistant even left an extra bottle of dye for me to whiten up my remaining hair which has gone entirely transparent this past fall.

You bless her, but unfortunately, all the wigs in the world didn’t stop my anxiety attacks. By mid-December, I couldn’t even remember the name of my dog after which I named my blog. It’s all ironic, I know. It’s been THAT insane. A decade ago, I would have never dreamed of teaming up with Grover Norquist (of all people) while shutting out single-payer advocates from the media, too. Geez!

I didn’t know if the world turned upside down or my moral compass lost its magnetism. That’s what I get for sleeping with Andy Stern, I guess. To make matters worse, something within me wants the personal attacks on me to continue. This feeling alone has caused me to reconsider my place within the progressive political community.

In reflection, I’ve beat back cancer three times so far, and before I eventually succumb, I’d like something other than “Double Dragon” on my tombstone. Gallows humor — gotta love it! A nice consolation would be the power to kidnap Rahm Emanuel, remove his genitalia with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch, and have him fully understand why expunging the public option from final healthcare reform bill was a bad idea.

But there are more Democratic assholes in the way of a single-payer system — those obviously like Joe Lieberman but also Joe Baca, David Scott Andre Carson, and Jim Moran — not to mention Linda and Loretta Sanchez, Betty Sutton, Eddie Bernice Johnson. But removing their genitalia won’t work in bringing about a single-payer healthcare system, at least not right away.

Since I know how easy it is to neuter single-payer activists, I’m helping them get elected to Congress, and I will continue to do so as long as I live long enough for the next round 30 years from now. So I need you to keep me healthy and direct my movements so that I can single-handedly destroy our current EnronCare system once and for all.

Yet my plan is more complicated than that. It also involves distracting the right-wing noise machine based on Bill Hader’s joke on Saturday Night Live last weekend and a letter I read on True/Slant. With my remaining contacts in Hollywood, we will make Glenn Beck believe that Washington has been taken over my alien reptoids with butt fetishes and aspirations for world domination.

As a result, we will control the corporate media environment — hitting the center of their spheres of congressional influence. It shouldn’t take much effort — just a few dozen people in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle masks meeting with various congressmen, posing as their aides, and confusing their personal support networks. Beck won’t know the difference, and as he sees pictures of every Republican on Capitol Hill shaking hands with reptoids, we will have Beck and his army on our side.

I’ve named this covert operation “Operation Wag The Lieberman.” Of course, we can always fall back on Plan B which is you giving me the opportunities to remove the genitalia of every Democratic politician in Washington, but I’m confident we won’t have to go to such extreme. If there’s anything I learned from Andy, it’s that you don’t need balls to get shit done around here. A good grip will do.

Friend of St. Hilary of Poitiers,
Jane Hamsher