Satire: Glenn Beck Fights ‘Reptoids’ By Licking Children

Dear God,

I’m sorry that I have not written you in weeks. I was going to update you on my recent professional accomplishments on Halloween, but it was such a beautiful autumn evening that I decided to go for a walk instead. The air was crisp. The leaves on the trees were turning orange, yellow, and red. But before I could stop myself, I had relapsed several times.

How I wandered near that playground I’ll never know. Normally, I avoid crowds. It’s not my fault. Things just happened. One innocent head rub lead to deeper curiosities. “What’s under its costume?” “What does its sweat taste like?” “Does its skin taste like candy corn after it eats candy corn?” After one lick, my brain swam. The other four savory its were just as innocent, if not more, as the first that night.

As you know, if I don’t have at least one taste every few days, the reptile people return… And you know I can’t stand their ugly lizard faces! I CAN’T STAND THEM! I CAN’T STAND THEM! I CAN’T STAND THEM! I’m pretty sure I saw one in disguise with that chic from “Lost” on Halloween night. I could have sworn he flicked his forked tongue – an obvious rookie mistake. Their galactic league orders them not to make their presence known as they perform their DNA experiments on us. I think that asshole missed me because I was wearing all black.

I so want to tell the world about these reptoids from space. But I’m afraid if I do, my sponsors will leave me. If I had only rock solid proof! If we only had true freedom of speech! I know Obama is one of them because he carries himself the same way. No humanoid can be that cool, calm, and collected ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! I dare say that Ronald Reagan was one. Not sure about Nixon or Clinton. They must have been their slaves (like Van Jones and Isaac Eiland-Hall) bent on helping them dominate the Earth.

Of course, since you’re omniscient, you’ve heard this all before; you also know that my hemorrhoids surgery was neither “botched” nor a “surgery.” I had a chip implanted under the skin of my anus to warn the rebels should those bastard reptiles invade my person. I shouldn’t even be writing you about this for fear that this letter might get intercepted. We must not let them know that we know their end game.

WE MUST STOP THEM AT ALL COSTS! WE MUST SAVE HUMANITY! WE MUST ENDURE! WE MUST PRESERVE THIS WORLD – OUR WORLD!!! WE STAND UP FOR OUR RIGHTS TO TOUCH AS MANY ITS AS WE WANT! WE MUST NOT LET THEM REACH THEIR END GAME! WE MUST PROTECT OUR ASSES!!!

Okay, okay, okay, I know none of those reptile people are real, though licking children does help me prepare for my shows. It takes the edge off. Still, I ask for your forgiveness and mercy. I’m a horrible, horrible creature. But I’m not going to promise that if I put any more children in my mouth, I’m not going to like it. Please, please forgive me, Lord! I need help! Oh, God, make the licking and the reptoids stop!

Your Beloved Follower,
Glenn Lee Beck