Why Fake Bacon is Wrong, So Wrong

Image by ex.libris via Flickr

Let’s consider man’s most stellar discoveries. The wheel, penicillin, gravity, genetics…bacon. I jest not. These salty, savory, sweet strips of cured pork belly have been known to bring grown men to tears, but only en route to the height of epicurean nirvana. There are plenty of ways to enjoy your bacon. I like mine a picture-perfect amber hue and audibly crisp but still with a good amount of chew. A friend will only accept his if it is charred beyond recognition (we don’t judge here at T/S). I have heard of folk who’ll take it flabby and flaccid. Then there are even those who have fallen prey to the marketeers and ingest it painfully adulterated. Bacon flavored chocolate, bacon doughnuts, bacon lollilops – need I go on?

Image by Subspace via Flickr

What is the ultimate slap in the face to the meat-eater’s ultimate gastro god, however, is when something bearing its hallowed name takes the form of over 30 ingredients, none of which have ever waddled on four trotters. So you can imagine my chagrin when I was meandering through the aisles at The Fancy Food Show in NYC earlier this week and came across Bacon Salt, “a low sodium, zero calorie, zero fat, vegetarian and kosher seasoning that makes everything taste like bacon.”

Confused? Incensed? You should be. But lay down your arms, my friends, this is a peaceful protest. I’m all for dousing everything in bacon. Mince it, grind it and sprinkle it over your fries, ice cream and cereal. Just use the real thing. I have mulled over this conundrum at length and it continues to elude me why any vegetarian would eschew a slab of meat but willfully coat their seitan in a layer of mono sodium glutamate, disodium inosate and corn syrup. And if any carnivores covet Bacon Salt in their kitchen cabinets, shame on you. If the healthfulness of real bacon is a concern, there are ways to reconcile a long life with a bacon fetish. Buy lean bacon, have the bacon without the fries, or simply enjoy this treat twice a week rather than every morning. I know this may go against the very grain of the American way, but we will survive if we don’t eat meat every day, 365 days a year.

If there are any vegetarian Bacon Salt advocates out there, please feel free to take me on, but as I see it, if you say no to the wonders of the porchetta, that’s your lot in life. You’ll just have to miss out. As for anyone appreciating it’s kosher certification, if you think this is bacon, oh my, my heart goes out to you. And yes, I have tasted Bacon Salt, I even coated my lips in the Bacon Salt lip balm the nice man at the stand gave me, so that I too could taste of bacon. First there was the artificial smokiness that is reminiscent of the stuff you pour out of a bottle that worryingly reads “liquid smoke”. Then there was a piquant sweet-saltiness and finally there was that deep savory flavor that reminded me of the cheapest Chinese food (that would be the MSG working its magic). All in all, it performed a decent job of masquerading as bacon flavor, but when compared to the real thing, it should be told to pack its bags, go home and never come back. Rant over.

To atone for this indignity to the porcine wonder, please share your favorite ways to enjoy bacon…real bacon! Comment away, my fellow baconistas.