A Foodie’s Father’s Day Gift Guide

Father’s Day is quickly approaching, and you know just as well as I do that while dad may smile and say thanks for every tie or new polo shirt he gets, those gifts are lame cop-outs. Since there’s a good chance your dad: 1. Eats food and 2. Requires a Father’s Day gift, I’ve racked my cuisine-addled brain with some suggestions — some legit, some funny (I hope) — that you can order up for all types of dads, from great ones to D-bags.

Gift Guide for Dads of All Kinds:

Dad Type: A wine lover or mostly-functioning alcoholic
Gift Suggestion: Gary Vaynerchuk’s Wine of the Month Club

If you or your wine-loving dad don’t know Gary Vaynerchuk yet, get familiar! The Web’s savviest oenophile brings passion, knowledge and best of all, interactive wine tastings with his very own vino club. The wine gets shipped to you, and then you can watch and taste along with Gary via his online videos. There’s three grades ($25, $50 and $100) for drinkers of all taste and bankroll, but even if you cheap out and go with the low-grade, a Sancerre buzz between father and child is priceless.

Dad type: Narcissisic D-bag who probably gets into fights with umpires at Little League games
Gift Suggestion: Monogrammed Steak Brand

When you look at your dad, do you think ‘What a mafioso wannabe.’ Or maybe not so much faux-Italian, but equally machocentric and self-amorous. Well, nothing says conceit and arrogance like being able to put your own initials on your guest’s steaks. Because really, they may have forgotten whose house they were at while attending your cookout, and now you can remind them! I might start my own company that sells these, only whatever letter arrangements my customers request, I’d only really stock and ship one monogram: DIK.

Dad type: Levi Johnston or an equally unwanted father of your grandchild

Gift Suggestion: Culinary school enrollment

In a situation where a baby daddy is still a baby himself, it’s time to get his ass and career into gear. Not only will the inconvenient idiot learn discipline, if it is indeed Levi we’re talking about here, he’ll have dozens of recipes for all of those big animals his ma-in-law shoots in the face. Everybody wins … except probably the baby, but that’s beyond my guidance at this point.

Dad Type: The Can’t-Let-Go Empty Nester
Gift Suggestion: The Alinea Cookbook

Now that his little girl (or guy) is going away to college/moving out/getting married/whatever, dad’s going to have lots of free time on his hands. So rather than have him sit around and sulk and reminisce, why not get him a cookbook of nearly-impossible recipes that will take him days to complete? While you’re at it, you might as well just go ahead and get him an immersion circulator for good measure.

Dad Type: Quirky sports nut (soccer games, especially)
Gift Suggestion: All-Included Paella Kit

Any shlub can make burgers and sausage on a Weber while waiting for the game. Want your pops to get noticed and make some new friends? Buy him everything he needs to fire up a nice parking lot paella, and before you know it, he’ll be the coolest dude in section C.

Dad Type: Pork-and-spice craving gourmand
Gift Suggestion: Assorted salames from Salumi Cured Meats

Mario Batali’s a household name thanks to his tv shows and restaurants. If the world were a just place, his dad Armandino would be just as famous. ‘Dino decided after years in the airline biz, he wanted to make great salame. Check that, AMAZING salame. After tasting this stuff, you’d think Boar’s Head salami or pepperoni came from a third-world blind bootlegger. I cannot recommend enough the Finnochiona and Mole salames. Order up a composed basket or make your own mixture, and pops will be your best friend until the porcine goodness runs out.

Dad Type: Vegetarian, vegan, or just a healthy veggie lover
Gift Suggestion: A Local CSA Share, or an heirloom tomato garden

CSA’s, or Community Supported Agriculture, are all the bees knees these days as locavorism and seasonal eating are finally getting the focus they deserve. Essentially, you pay for a share of one or many local gardens/farms, and in return you’ll get a heaping amounts of whatever’s fresh out of the farm. These can be pricey, so if your dad has enough yardspace for his own little vegetable factory, click over to TomatoBob.com, who sells hundreds of different types of heirloom and regular seeds. I grew a myriad of his tomatoes on my old apartment’s balcony, and they’re supremely delicious. Plus, this can ensure you and dad spending some time together in the garden, and then cooking with your yield a month or two later.

Dad Type: Crabby New York Jew, or just someone who digs on some smoked salmon
Gift Suggestion: Russ & Daughters Smoked Salmon Medley

Russ & Daughters’ smoked salmon is seriously some next-level grub. If all you’ve really had is the bagel store or supermarket variety, this little medley will alter your life. Nothing says ‘I Love You, Dad’ like some smoked fish and a shmear.

Dad Type: Meat and potatoes BBQ Man
Gift Suggestion: Salt Lick Special Package From Salt Lick BBQ

For full disclosure, I have never had any Salt Lick BBQ products. I’m simply going on reputation and stories told to me by many trusted foodie friends who have indeed sampled their smokey, briskety goodness. (Ed Note: If NYC’s Hill Country shipped their products, I’d wholly recommend them.)

Dad Type: The greatest dad in the history of the universe, or one who supplies you with a massive allowance/trust fund:
Gift Suggestion: A full, bone-in leg of Jamon Iberico Bellota

The king of cured hams from acorn fed black-footed Iberian pigs. Simply put, the most delicious food product I’ve ever eaten. Plus, how primal! Now, just cough up the $1,400 this costs ($96 a pound), and invite me over, pretty please.