Songs for vampires and werewolves

Normally I’d save something like this for Halloween, but who knows where we’ll all be by then? Life is short. You have to seize the opportunity to cash in on the popular keywords while you can. And being that another one of those Twilight movies made its debut last night, vampires and werewolves will be all the rage with teenage girls and repressed housewives for a while. It’s only fair that the vampires and werewolves get their musical due.  We’re talking real vampires here, though. Just like everyone knows real zombies don’t run, everyone knows real vampires don’t sparkle.  Vampires do a lot of things; they drink blood, they roam creepy villages in the dark of night, they eat chocolate cereal and are obsessed with counting things but they don’t sparkle. And I’m pretty certain they’re not vegetarians.

But I’m not here to make fun of a series of books and movies that give great pleasure to young women who mistake deranged stalking and obsession for love. I’m here for the music. Music for vampires and werewolves.

Bauhaus – Bela Lugos’s Dead
The calling card of the original goths. Nine minutes of gothic rock which sets a mood that can best be described as the opposite of sparkly.

Warren Zevon – Werewolves of London
By far the best song about werewolves ever written.  Werewolves should probably use this as their official song because it gives them a sense of humanity. I mean, perfect hair, pina coladas. I bet they like walks in the rain, too.

Toadies – Possum Kingdom
Though the meaning of this song is debatable, most people agree it’s about vampires. Sure, “Behind the boathouse, I’ll show you my dark secret” or similar words have been spoken by countless young boys over the years, I don’t think “dark secret” is a euphemism here.

Vampires Will Never Hurt You – My Chemical Romance
So modern-goth. So deep, dark and poetic. You’ll want to buy some black eyeliner and prowl the streets as a nightclub gets out hunting for vampire cliches.

The Cramps – I Was a Teenage Werewolf
“I was a teenage werewolf, braces on my fangs.”  If that won’t give you lifelong issues, I don’t know what will.

Duran Duran – Hungry Like the Wolf
One person’s song about stalking and sex is another person’s literal interpretation that makes it a song about werewolves.

Wesley Willis – Vampire Bat
A good rule of thumb is, any time you can include Wesley Willis in a playlist, do it. Bonus feature: The line “The lake of fire tore his ass up.”

Blue Oyster Cult – Nosferatu
It’s like a gothic Harlequin romance as played out by the most mediocre metal band that wanted to be Iron Maiden but couldn’t.

Misfits – Vampira
You can’t make a list like this without including a Misfits song.”Your pulmonary trembles in your outstretched arm”  comes off perfect instead of  laughable when sung by Danzig.

Six Feet Under – Lycanthropy
This wouldn’t be complete without a death metal presence and Six Feet Under does not disappoint.  Pounding guitars, the Cookie Monster voice, the over the top lyrics (“flesh chewed to the bone bleeding, eternal horror”) – it makes me think those Twilight movies would benefit from an all death metal soundtrack.

There are so many more songs to choose from.  It seems that vampires and werewolves are pretty popular with musicians.  While the lyrics of these songs run the gamut of different kinds of vampires from sexy to lonely to evil, I’m going to guarantee you that not one of them is about a vampire who sparkles.

If you’re still up in the air about joining Team Edward or Team Jacob, maybe this playlist can help you decide. Then again, if you’re into vegetarian vampires and lovelorn werewolves, this probably isn’t the music you’re looking for.