Ten songs to sing like no one is listening

You know those songs. The ones you sing in the car with the windows rolled up so no one can hear you massacring a classic. The songs you belt out in the shower, or when you’re home alone, you sing them in the living room, possibly using a broom as a makeshift microphone, crooning to an invisible audience.  This is about the songs we sing when we think no one is listening, the ones that may not have anything at all to do with our lives, but we sing them with the same passion as if they did.

Well, these are the songs I sing. I don’t know about you.

1. INXS – Never Tear Us Apart

The whole Kick album was a masterpiece, but it was this song that left its mark on me. , it was Never Tear Us Apart that left its mark on me. At this point in my life, I had graduated from singing with a fake microphone (broom handle, thumb) in my room to singing with a fake microphone (cigarette, thumb) in my car. I’d put this tune on, roll up the windows because nobody but me needed to hear this, turn the volume all the way up and drive, drive, drive until I wore my voice out singing it over and over. I still do this at least once a week.  My voice is off kilter and off key and I  sound like the bastard love child of Yoko Ono and Kim Carnes, but I own this one when I’m in the privacy of my car.

2. Night Ranger – Sister Christian

This song is my albatross. There are people who know me solely as “That girl who likes Sister Christian.” As if there’s only one of me. I know you’re out there. I mean, the song was a hit. There has to be people out there who still like it, right? I know, it’s cheesy, it’s bad, it’s everything that was wrong with 80’s metal. But. It’s Sister Christian.

3. Poison – Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Listen, I don’t love the song. I think it’s cheesy and simple. But there’s something about it. Something that forces me to sing along with it, whether I’m in my car, sitting out in the backyard or in the dairy aisle at the supermarket.  The minute I hear the opening notes I’m searching for a cigarette lighter to hold up in the air while I sway to the music and sing about cowboys and sad songs.

4. Queen – Don’t Stop Me Now

It’s best that I sing this in the privacy of my own home because I do a lot of hand waving and moving around and when you do that in a car people driving next to you – instead of doing the right thing and singing along with you – will maybe think you’re having a seizure, roll down their window and ask you if you’re ok. And you’ll say “I’m having a good time, having a good time” and they’ll probably call 911.

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5.Oasis – Don’t Look Back in Anger

Yea, sometimes I listen to Oasis. And sometimes I sing their songs – particularly this one – really loud while I’m in my car and maybe I listen to it over and over again, singing louder each time until I reach this horrid crescendo of self awareness where I’m saying “Oh my god what am I doing singing Oasis in the work parking lot with the windows open and the King Cobra bums looking at me like I’ve lost my mind and maybe they can parlay this into a way to steal my money while I’m going crazy?”

But I just look at them and say “Don’t look back in anger.” And walk away.

This is a great sing-a-long. Maybe I have no idea what the lyrics mean but when I get to the “You ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out” part I always sing it like I mean it because the song demands it.

6. Radiohead – No Surprises

For the lines “A handshake of carbon monoxide” and “such a pretty house, such a pretty garden” both of which you sing with such pure emotion you believe for a fraction of a minute that you’re actually singing on key and it sounds awesome, and for the “job that slowly kills you” part which, if you’re singing on the way home from work, might make you burst into tears.

7. Bell Biv Devoe – Poison

Because when you sing this you are Bell, Biv and Devoe and as you’re moving your hands around and driver’s seat dancing you’re all “Girl I must warn you” and in your head you just pulled off a one person three part harmony. Maybe you even point at the lady in the next lane as you mouth the words “That girl is poison” even though she’s about 70 years old and her 40 year old station wagon is filled with bags of recycling, you bet she one had a big butt and a smile and therefore, you don’t trust her.

8. Bon Jovi – Wanted Dead or Alive

Listen, I hate Bon Jovi as much as the next person. But there’s no denying the power of this song. It has some evil force that sucks me in and makes me start singing it and once I start I can’t stop.

When this song comes on I am a cowboy. Riding a steel horse. And when he gets to that part, oh yea you know what part, it’s all I can do to keep from pumping my fist in the air.

Cause I’ve seen a million faces.

And I’ve rocked them all.

9. ODB – Baby, I Got Your Money

One time I made the mistake of putting this on a mix CD and played it in the car. All the way to work. All the way home. Hey. Dirty. Baby I got your money. Shaking my ass in the seat. Doing the hand claps. Yes, while I’m driving. Clap clap. Clap clap. Windows down. Hands clapping. Singing back up and lead. Doing that side-to-side thing with my head.

You can call me dirty, and then lift up your skirt. And you want some of this dirty, god made dirt and dirt bust yo ass.

Oh god, I love singing that part. I find myself pointing at no one in particular. Point. Clap clap. Shake ass.

Song ends. Start it again. The record is 36. In one day. This one song. Point. Clap clap.

10. R. Kelly – I Believe I Can Fly

It’s personal, ok? I listen to this one usually when I’m PMS and it ends horribly, with tears streaming down my face and me wishing my kids were still little enough to be standing in the kitchen in their pajamas singing this song to me like it came from their hearts and then I call my daughter and say something awful like “Why did you have to grow up so fast?” and I go home and watch Space Jam for the sake of nostalgia and think, my god what an awful movie.

There’s more. But I’ve divulged too much already. Let’s stop before I get to Kelly Clarkson and King Diamond.