My heroic resolutions

I don’t do resolutions, but everyone’s doing it, but I never do, but it’s an opportunity, isn’t it, why not, so let’s get to it:

• I resolve to spend more time with neo-conservatives. Not because I think it’d be fair to do so or anything, but because I know very few and I have no one to win arguments over.
• I resolve to never see another movie or TV show with zombies or vampires in them, just as last year I resolved silently to swear off superheroes. My life’s getting short, after all. I’d swear off giant robots if I ever bothered to see those movies in the first place.
• I resolve to get on Twitter, now that I’ve read a string of tweets responding to Rush Limbaugh’s recent ER visit; one of them hoped “he gets a black doctor,” while another wondered if he “exaggerated his symptoms, like Michael J. Fox did.” Many simply asked God to kill him.
• I resolve to get better at the dry one-line humor that’s becoming the sine qua non of Facebook, Twitter, et al. I don’t know how, exactly. I may have to steal.
• I resolve to allow my children to play in traffic.
• I resolve to find some way to get Neko Case to sing my outgoing answering-machine message.
• I resolve to try absinthe, mahua, Nepalese raksi, peyote and kratom. Just experimenting, understand.
• I resolve to stop envying David Niven for having had sex with Merle Oberon. And then for being modest about it.
• I resolve to solve the newspaper/magazine problem of “monetizing” journalism online. Don’t have any ideas yet, but when I do, you’ll hear about it.
• I resolve to find some way to write about the very strange and disturbing things that are going on in Internet porn, which no one can really do without shamefacedly admitting that they’ve looked at it. I haven’t yet. But ferChrissake, someone should say something.
• I resolve to lay off bourbon. I never drink it now, so it shouldn’t be difficult.
• And sure, I resolve to lose that midlife 20 by May. And when I resolve, that shit gets done.