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May. 8 2009 - 10:47 am | 28 views | 0 recommendations | 1 comment

Five Morning-After Points About Manny Ramirez

Boogity-boogity!

Boogity-boogity!

1) Oh god PLEASE let it be boner pills. I realize that the chances of human chorionic gonadotropin being used for ED rather than post-PED are slimmer than Juan Pierre’s isolated power (or Nook Logan’s, for that matter), but at some point the twin absurdities of treating athletes who ingest perfectly legal drugs as criminals while passing the time between innings by calmly watching Bob Dole (or Rafael Palmeiro!) commercials should and will converge, spectacularly.

2) Bill Plaschke, the stone-dumb L.A. Times columnist and even dumber talking head, should be sent on the slow boat to Mauritius, preferably on a vessel powered by Tommy Lasorda’s excess lard. “Now I think about the amazement I felt in watching Ramirez hit .520 last postseason,” Plaschke wrote yesterday, “and think, well, of course, nobody is that good at age 36 without help.” Begging the question: What kind of “help” was Pops Stargell getting (I mean, aside from double cheeseburgers) when he unleashe3d a postseason line of .415 with 5 home runs in 1979 at age 39? Or Johnny Mize, when he dropped a .400/.500/1.067 World Series beatdown against the Brooklyn Dodgers three months before his 40th birthday?

3) Not that anyone needed reminding, but Red Sox Nation is the most unappealing collection of dully aggressive meat-faces since the last time I covered a Serb nationalist rally.Seriously, you people apologized for him for seven glorious years, as he brought you two World Championships, five top-10 MVP finishes, and a thousand blooper highlights, all while making the All-Star team every year. It was you who invented “Manny being Manny.” And now, after making a great trade to get rid of the third-best hitter to ever wear those girly little socks, you’re all hi-fiving one another? Really?

4) Biggest (and most welcome) surprise of the day: “The House Oversight and Government Reform Committee…won’t be taking up the issue.” That’s the first step. Step Two is “Government REFORM Committee???? WT living F?”

5) I look forward to the same sense of outrage directed at Manny to be applied to Tony LaRussa, Jim Leyritz, and 2008 World Champeen J.C. Romero, for starters. What’s that you say?


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  1. collapse expand

    Hey now, not all of us Red Sox fans are happy about this. I felt depressed when I heard this yesterday, and certainly wasn’t hi-fiving anybody about it. And we didn’t force Manny out of town — trading our “third best hitter ever” was a hand forced by Manny himself.

    Also, while I am no Bill Plaschke guy, he’s justified to a point in his sense of betrayal here. LA has embraced Manny, and put their entire baseball culture on his back. That’s as much their fault as it is his of course, but I can understand the sense of severe disappointment they are feeling.

    I agree that the hypocrisy of this witch hunt is going to come to a head at some point.

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    About Me

    Matt Welch is editor in chief of Reason magazine.

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