‘American Idol’ Recap: Tim Urban will destroy us all

It was another roller-coaster week for “American Idol” fans, what with actually decent performances followed up by a ridiculously stupid results show… but between the bipolar highs and lows we walk away from this week’s festivities smarter about four discrete things:

1. Even mediocre performers are helped by great songwriting. Giving the “Idol” contestants free reign to play in the Lennon-McCartney songbook was a crutch some of these folks clearly, even desperately, needed.

The remaining nine “Idol” contestants have, by now clearly separated themselves into two groups — let’s call them the Haves and the Have-Nots. The Haves, led unquestionably by Crystal Bowersox, have what it takes to win — demonstrable talent, a clear indication who who they are and what kind of artistry they want to represent and an ability to consistently perform at a high level. And if you judged the singers by those criteria alone, Crystal would be the winner by a mile. In the world of radio and records, she’s shovel-ready — and her didgeridoo-inflected take on The Beatles’ “Come Together” this week was a clear indication of that. It grooved, it was unique, it was more uptempo than she usually goes, but it wasn’t so unrecognizable that the audience couldn’t get into it. Plus, Crystal is actually starting to look like she’s having fun — a crucial and likable element missing from her earlier performances.

Behind the one they call Mamma-Sox is Lee Dewyze, who’s slowly overcoming an inexplicable and all-encompassing case of self-doubt to emerge as a viable contender. His version of “Hey Jude” wasn’t earth-shattering, but, as one of rock’s great sing-along songs, it was perfectly suited to his every-man persona — and it gave him a chance to engage the crowd and force himself out of his shell. Plus — he actually asked to be accompanied by a bagpipe while he sang. That takes gumption.

Casey James took John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy” and used it to prove that he’s more than a barroom guitar slinger with a thousand-watt smile, actually singing with restraint, emotion and a simple acoustic arrangement. He’s a fun performer, but this week he actually took a (small) step toward being an artist — and it served him well.

Michael Lynche, whose stock has been slowly dropping over the course of the show, is still a talented performer and can make a compelling case to be the “Idol” victor (though it’s unlikely). Yes, he picked “Eleanor Rigby” as his song this week — which, in a very scientific survey of just myself, was picked as the most maudlin and affected Beatles songs there is. And, yes, he aimed to squeeze all the melodrama out of the song as he could — which works when you’re singing R&B, but not when you’re singing a Paul McCartney attempt at “serious artistry.” But why hold one bad week against him — he’s an engaging guy and Mamma-Sox seems to love him, so he’s got that going for him, too.

And then there are the Have-Nots: Aaron Kelly, Andrew Garcia, Katie Stevens, Siobhan Magnus and Tim Urban. With the exception of Urban, all possess talent, but no sense of performance. Katie and Aaron (singing “The Long and Winding Road” and “Let It Be,” respectively) just offered cookie-cutter copies of the originals with no sense of personality or emotion… every week they prove themselves to be nice kids and decent singers, but, really, nothing more. And Siobhan, who tired on a restrained version of “Across the Universe,” just seems willing to try anything to differentiate herself, changing her looks and her approach each week based on what the judge tell her (which, admittedly, is conflicting and ambiguous). She’s got a good voice, but no idea what to do with it. Should she show off by hitting crazy notes and screaming a lot, should she dress wildly and impress the crowd with unique, modern rock sensibilities, or is she a gauzy, classy songstress? She doesn’t know and is desperately waiting for someone to tell her. And she’s been pretty inconsistent at that.

That’s not to say the Have-Nots were terrible this week — and that brings me to the first point: even the middling performers were demonstrably helped by having some of the greatest pop songs at their disposal. There were no disasters this week, no need for tears and insults and bizarre analogies from Ellen Degeneres and Simon Cowell, no need for condescending disappointment from Kara DioGuardi. The Have-Nots may not have wowed us, but at least they weren’t laughably bad this week either… which is huge step in the right direction for some of them.

2. The Judges’ Save actually makes the show interesting. Only once during the audience voting (and not after we get down to five candidates) are the judges allowed to step in and overrule the audience’s choices if they think an egregious error has been made. So far, rather than adding more drama to the show, it’s only served to make the crushing disappointment of being voted off the show by a rejecting audience that much more emotionally cruel. It’s bad enough to know that some 20 million Americans just voted to push you into obscurity, it’s a whole new level of insult to then have to stand there, singing one more time for the expert judges, only to be told that, though they have the power to overrule the vote and keep you, they, in their expert opinion, unanimously agree with the great unwashed masses — you suck. Go home.

In the case of Paige Miles a few weeks ago, the judges didn’t even bother going through the charade of thinking about — they summarily dismissed her without even letting her sing.

But last night, with the talented but sometimes underperforming Michael Lynche on the chopping block, the judges chose to exercise their discretion and thwart the democratic process. And, however a cynical know-it-all I am, I got swept up in the drama. How could people vote to dismiss the genial giant with the mellow voice — and a baby to support? The audience gasped and booed as he was announced as the lowest vote-getter. To his credit, even as his wife sobbed in the audience with spasmodic force, Michael took it in stride and stepped to the mic with calm and self-assurance to sing one last time.

When Simon, with a sly smile, announced that the judges were overruling the vote and keeping the raspy-voiced R&B crooner, the building erupted in cheers and emotions that shook the cameras — and Michael let out a sigh that could have caused a sand-storm. And you would have to have been made of stone not to have a lump in your throat as the rest of contestants — some whom are keenly aware that Michael nearly took the bullet they deserve — rushed the stage to hug him.

3. The group numbers are beyond dismal. We’ve talked about this before, but it bears repeating because it was so overtly obvious last night — the group singing numbers need to be abandoned… quickly. Maybe it’s because the contestants are, for the most part, older and more musically diverse… but to have them prancing about the stage in variety-show choreography singing a Broadway-ified medley of random and obvious Beatles hits looked more than dumb last night — it looked cruel. Crystal Bowersox is an artist — not one of Dean Martin’s Golddiggers.

4. Tim Urban is a cyborg from the future sent to destroy us — he cannot be stopped. How else to explain his mystifying permanence on “Idol” this year? Even Tim seems at a loss each time he’s named one of the bottom three — and then sent back to safety. He’s out of his league, he has one shtick that he does week after week after week, his singing, which is flat and vocally limited, is only slightly better than his dancing, stage presence and all-around micro-thin personality. There’s no reason he should still be on this show.

Except this: He’s a cyborg doing the bidding of alien overlords from the future who’ve sent him here to infiltrate American culture and then wipe us all out so his masters can use our innards for fuel.

It all makes sense.