‘American Idol’ in 60 seconds: Big Mike and the also-rans

"Don't sing..." says Simon to contestant Toddrick Hall. (Image via Wikipedia)

Two weeks ago, when I declared that this was likely the last good season of “American Idol,” I listed a number of cogent and deeply researched reasons that brought me to that conclusion — reasons that were certainly not at all thought up while I was eating mac ‘n’ cheese at a Panera Bread one afternoon.

But there’s another reason that escaped me that wintery day — a new facet of “American Idol” this year that became glaringly obvious to me as I watched this week’s first installment of live performances on Fox’s runaway reality show hit:

The singers are pretty damn boring.

Maybe, after eight seasons, America’s just run out of young exciting performers… or, at least, run out of young, exciting performers who want to be exploited by the “American Idol” marketing machine… Either way, “Idol” is struggling this year to put on a network talent contest that doesn’t sound like a really quality open-mic night, and, as judge Simon Cowell has pointed out repeatedly, the gentlemen vying for a record contract this year are particularly to blame.

You could almost hear 20 million hearts sink, therefore, as host Ryan Seacrest opened the show by announcing that the boys would be taking over the stage even though it was scheduled to be ladies’ night. The women were put off for a night, Seacrest barely explained, because contestant — and Worst Episode Ever-favorite — Crystal Bowersox had a “medical emergency.” Transparency is not one of “AI”’s hallmarks.

Michael Lynche is the first to take the stage, and he says he wants to go out and prove he’s a starring act. He tackles “This Is a Man’s World,” and he nearly pulls it off, bringing a subtle but confident soul to the James Brown classic. It lacks a little passion by comparison to the original, but, honestly, who can compare with the Godfather of Soul? Still, Lynche makes it his own and the judges recognize him for it. And if I may play spoiler for a moment… Against a weak field, Lynche sets a benchmark for the night that no one else will reach. And with his great backstory (he missed the birth of his first child to be at the auditions) and intimidating build (he’s got a chest like the prow of an oil tanker) coupled with a teddy bear-like smile and resonant soul voice — he’s the man to beat for the season.

John Park is next, and he decides that singing a song by king of the tools, John Mayer, is a good idea. He aims for earnest and lands — rather softly — on lounge act. The judges politely hate it.

Casey James, the only contestant who might give Big Mike Lynche a run for his money, steps to the stage and takes on Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Want To Be,” a song that, he explains, has been done several times on “AI” by other contestants. He tells Ryan Seacrest that those previous versions were different takes on the original. His solution then, it appears, is to purposely not do anything different with the tune, playing and singing it exactly like the original and hoping to blind the judges with his lead guitar handiwork. Crafty? Not really. Simon’s right when he likens it to a barroom performance with less grit and more sand — perhaps the best euphemism of the night.

The production stylists on staff at “Idol” have started to get their hands on the contestants… and have sadly decided that Alex Lambert, with his muted Madras blazer and layered shirts, should look like a Jason Mraz-listening hipster. All that’s missing is the straw hat and a loft in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. As for the actual singing… it’s stiff and nasal. But the judges kvell over how improved he is, so he must have really sucked last week. Sadly, Ellen uses the grammatically incorrect phrase “most unique” to describe him, which nullifies the entire performance for me.

Toddrick Hall is next — and he ruins “What’s Love Got To Do With It” by trying to turn it into a sultry and urgent musical come-on. Memo to Toddrick. Tina Turner already did that — and if she heard this version, she would purposely die just so she could spin in her grave… and then come back to life just to punch you in the face. Usually, the “Idol” judges tell contestants to make songs their own — but it’s a telling moment when Randy Jackson asks Toddrick to stop doing that. “Just sing…” says Randy. “Don’t sing,” says Simon. Ouch.

Jermaine Sellers hits the stage with an Outkast-nerd look and a dangling smirk you just want to smack off his face. Jermaine…you’re singing “What’s Going On;” show some respect. How do you make one of American pop music’s most emotional and urgent political statements sound smarmy? Well, Jermaine does it… and it grates on everyone’s nerves. “So close…” says Randy. “Too much” says Kara. “You make [the song] lose its importance because you play around with it so much…” says Simon.

Andrew Garcia is often listed as one of the favorites to win it all this year, but tonight it’s impossible to see why. Simon actually looks annoyed during Garcia’s performance of James Morrison’s “You Give Me Something” — a ballad that just sits there on the stage like rice pudding. It reminds me of something you’d hear in a doctor’s waiting room. It gets a “pitchy” from Randy — and a stinging reminder from the other judges that Garcia set the bar extremely high for himself weeks ago with an acoustic cover of “Straight Up” that’s starting to look more and more like a fluke than an actual indicator of lasting talent.

Sixteen year-old Aaron Kelly has been dinged repeatedly for lacking confidence on stage. Singing “My Girl” is not the solution… unless your goal is to win a high school talent contest. I know you’re young, Aaron, but you’re in the top 20 on “American Idol,” for fuck’s sake… and you’re doing a karaoke version of “My Girl”? It just makes me angry. Kelly also falls into the trap of thinking that “making a song your own” just means changing the phrasing of the lyrics — as if rearranging the settee with the club chair counts as redesigning the living room. It’s unlikely you’ll need to remember his name.

Tim Urban is next, and he sings a workmanlike and vanilla version of  ”Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson — a favorite around True/Slant world headquarters. Ellen flat out tells him he has no charisma and no stage presence — but he’s cute, so if he can learn to act, “You can be an actor who sings a little, too.” Talk about damning with faint praise. Plus, he needs a haircut. Simon for some reason, likes it — which may be the oddest moment of the evening.

Lee Dewyze brings up the rear tonight. His last name pronounced “Deh-wize,” but I keep wanting to pronounce it “doo-wheeze” — and that’s the most interesting thing about him. His song is such generic rock I can’t even be bothered to look up the name of it. Yet, for some reason, the judges like it — though they fault him for being so nervous all the time. If it weren’t for Aaron Kelly, I’d say the Dew-man is a lock to be booted.

And, as “Idol” recaps the songs for the night and rolls the credits, I’m reminded why the female contestants, no treasure trove of wonderment and surprise themselves, have it a little easier this year. Other than Big Mike Lynche, these men are as forgettable as Paula Abdul’s presence on “Idol” ever was.