Tebow was a snooze, Letterman was brilliant: What I learned watching Super Bowl XLIV

Leno, Letterman and Oprah create the most memorable ad of Super Bowl XLIV. (AP)

In the world of ridiculous Television Extravaganzas, the NFL Super Bowl is the ne plus ultra of telecasts: the most massively watched telecast of the year whose ostensible purpose is important only to a minority of viewers; indeed, for most viewers, the football game is beside the point.

Yes, people watch the Oscars for the fashions, but they also care about the speeches and the winners. But the Super Bowl is such a cavalcade of TV shenanigans and glitzy distractions and misdirection — from commercials to musical performances to one massive, five-hour marketing ploy for the broadcasting network — that the actual game, however exciting (and this year’s was a great one) is only a minor portion of the entire secular holiday spectacle.

All of which makes the Super Bowl telecast the most American of commercial TV ventures: A made-for-TV gala more memorable and valuable for its hype and expectations than as an actual event.

Focus on the Family wins the award for best use of a Super Bowl commercial because it played that hype to perfection. Its commercial itself wasn’t a winner — it was a quick, cheap spot whose pro-life conservative religious message was surprisingly muted and watered down for the mass audience. And it wasn’t memorable for its ability to drive curious viewers to the Focus on the Family Web site (we won’t know how much Internet traffic it generated unless Focus on the Family tells us). It’s a winner for its ability to do exactly what a commercial should: it raised awareness of the cash-strapped organization and its message, thanks to a heavy pre-Super Bowl coverage from the media. In terms of strict ROI, Focus on the Family got well more than its money’s worth, as thousands of gallons of (virtual) ink were spilled covering the shock and dismay pro-choice organizations expressed over CBS’s choice to open its telecast to issue ads — particularly this one. And Focus on the Family played the controversy to perfection, refusing to show anyone the ad beforehand and refusing to even say how many spots it paid for — leading some to conjecture that America’s biggest football game would become sea of pro-life religious indoctrination. It didn’t.

The commercial also proved one of polical journalism’s greatest tenents: If you don’t have an actual controversy, cover the potential for controversy; it’s the next best thing when you don’t have actual news. In the end, Focus on the Family aired the television equivalant of those “Choose Life” license plates; it was forgotten by the fourth quarter and America’s political muckrakers have likely already moved on to the next front in the culture wars.

I supposed we should have expected that.

What we couldn’t have expected, however, was the site of Jay Leno and David Letterman sharing a couch and a commercial:

Really, the CBS promo spot for Letterman’s “Late Show” — hatched by Letterman himself – will be called by critics a smart move for both men. They’ll say that, for Leno, it looks like he has a sense of humor about himself and maybe buys him some good will after the NBC late night debacle of last month. But the truth is this: For Letterman, after weeks of mercilessly mocking his former friend and once-again late night rival, the spot makes him look magnanimous — but still infinitely hipper than the damaged NBC star. What’s the underlying lesson here? That only Letterman, famous for mocking guests he deems deserving, would have the gumption to invite Leno to be in his commercial — and then mock him in it? Or that only Leno could be so clueless and/or desperate that he’d agree to do it?

Either way: Advantage Letterman.

Beyond that, this year’s crop of Super Bowl ads were fairly ordinary — Doritos and Bud Lite and car commercials and little else we’ll be talking about a year from now. After four hours of bleary-eyed TV viewing, here’s what I’ve learned:

– American marketers believe that going pantsless if funny (I agree) and that the American man is in danger of becoming too feminized (I disagree).

– VW wins the prize for having the only commercial this year featuring a guy getting punched in the boys. Way to keep the tradition alive!

– Sterling Sharpe needs to learn to use his “inside voice.”

– What’s left of Roger Daltrey’s voice isn’t doing any favors to what’s left of the Who. Do you think Kenny Jones knew something, long before the rest of us, when he chose not to tour with them anymore? Still they finished strong (and having a Nigel Tufnel look-alike on drums was an inspired choice).

– Will.i.am will do anything for money. Apparently so will Jim McMahon, but I can’t begrudge him that. He looked like he needed it.

– Scratch the above. KISS will do anything for money. Is it possible for a lame cartoon band to become an even bigger caricature of itself? Looks like KISS is aiming to try…

– Why is Google buying ad time? When your company name has become a verb, you’re pretty much set in the brand awareness category… go have a coffee and relax.

– Memo to GoDaddy.com: A few years ago, you could have passed as sexy and provocative. Now you’re just a floozy in an age-inappropriate cocktail dress deluding yourself into thinking you can still wow the pants off of younger men. You’re not. And it’s sad. Let it go…

So… congratulations to the New Orleans Saints and I’m going to sleep.