I Hate Your Lawn
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God I hate your lawn.
I’ve hated it ever since I learned the lawn was invented by effete British oligarchs as a way to simulate their carpets outdoors. I’ve hated it ever since I found out that Florida, the fifth wettest state, is running out of water because half the state is composed of sprawling, seasonal golf course villas that require year-round lawn watering. I’ve hated it since moving to Los Angeles and seeing that people don’t actually use their lawns for anything other than toilets for their toy dogs named Princess or Chanel.
But while my hatred of your lawn runs fairly deep, it rarely boils over. This story in the L.A. Times, however, had me ready to launch a Maoist lawn purge.
Today, about 50,000 square miles of lawns, golf courses and parks blanket the U.S., according to estimates derived from NASA satellites. That’s enough to cover the entire state of Mississippi, with some to spare. Keeping all that grass green requires about 200 gallons of water per American per day, NASA scientists have calculated.
Water restrictions make such maintenance increasingly untenable…
“We need to convince people that in the summer, you don’t need to have a lush green lawn,” said Bingru Huang, a turfgrass physiologist at Rutgers University in New Brunswick, N.J.
So what do you think? Is this story about a PR effort to launch a responsible lawn campaign? “Save your town, let your grass brown!”
Baird — whose obsession with grass grew out of a teenage interest in golf — doesn’t think Americans will ever be swayed of any such thing. He believes Americans would sooner rip out their lawns than tolerate months of brown grass in their yards.
Simply switching to warm-season varieties would reduce water needs by 20%, Baird said. However, these species go dormant in the winter, and even during their active months they never reach the deep green hues of their cool-season cousins.
“We could go a long ways in terms of our drought if more people used those grasses,” he said. “But the color issue is the major limiting factor.”
Hmmm, so the story isn’t about a sensible PR campaign…Of course! This being America, the answer is so obvious. It’s about using bacteria to genetically manufacture a strain of supergrass that will stay green, even in the middle of the friggin’ desert. And if that doesn’t work scientists will spend a decade or two cross-breeding different strains of grass in hopes they’ll eventually find one that does work. So we can have green grass ALL YEAR ROUND like Jesus intended.
God, sometimes I really admire Mao’s China. Yeah, if he were still around he might put some scientists to work on bacteria-enhanced supergrass as well. Just to keep up with the Joneses. But in the meanwhile he’d launch an annual August roundup and everyone with emerald green grass would be sent to lawn reeducation camp. Green lawn in summer = idiot, we’re running out of water = 4-5 years of breaking rocks in Inner Mongolia. Problem solved.
The rainy season in Los Angeles lasts for two months. That’s it. But Americans, and especially Southern Californians, are like little Veruca Salts — spoiled little brats who consider the most ridiculous bourgeois niceties our inalienable right. We NEED green grass all year round, and someone better give it to us. And instead of telling us “NO” that’s ridiculous, there’s always someone trying to enable us.
I’m reminded of Bill Maher’s most recent “Real Time” rant (at 2:20, right after the bit about bacon infused douche). America is apparently incapable of dealing with serious issues in anything close to an an expedient and intelligent fashion. Running out of water is a big deal. We may not have 10 years to wait for genetically enhanced supergrass. In the meanwhile, politicians and agro-business interests in Sacramento will exploit Southern California’s unquenchable bourgeois thirst by building a $5 billion “water conveyance” boondoggle — a canal that will transport water from Sacramento, hundreds of miles away to Southern California — a plan that Sean Hannity flew into California to support, which should tell you all you need to know about its merits.
That’s right. Sean Hannity flew all the way to California to fight for your lawn. If that’s not a reason to hate I don’t know what is.
So tear up your lawn. Or at least let it go brown for a month or two. You’re making my friggin’ head explode.
Thank you.
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I could not agree more and my neighbors hate me b/c of it…
Haha. Let me know next time they go out of town. I’ll show up with some Wagner and some home-made napalm and we can have ourselves a grand old time.
In response to another comment. See in context »Your comments have been dutifully reported to SACKTOOL (Silverton Ad hoc Commission for the Kind Treatment Of Our Lawns).
In response to another comment. See in context »Their biggest concern i’m guessing is the effect a neighborhood of brown grass has on property values. Those down here in S Florida that have half a brain/residue of environmental consciousness have solved the problem. You just replace the ‘lawn’ with a garden of indigenous plants and even rocks/boulders. They require nothing more than average rainfall amounts and not much in the way of upkeep (and some are actually quite beautiful not to mention add a bit of – gasp – character.)
Andy,
In addition to low-water gardens, there is also artificial grass. I have always had issues with Astro-turf. (Did you know you can bleed through a pair of red shorts?) However, recently, I was walking past a house, and noticed the lawn. Uniform, great looking grass. I gave it a feel, softer than regular grass, no little black pellets, doesn’t come up, no need to mow. Brilliant.
Matthew,
My question to you is, why do you think we have this obsession with green grass?
I think people like green grass for the same reasons they like Mercedes and black Banana Republic t-shirts — because they’re “nice.” Because it’s an easy way to impress, or ingratiate yourself to people without having to try too hard. You can be an awful, dull person, but if you have a lawn full of green grass at least that’s something. Even though practically everyone has it these days, it connotes wealth and responsibility. It’s a false signifier.
In response to another comment. See in context »Let us not forget that all 50,000 sq. miles of these lawns are absorbing carbon and replacing it with oxygen.
Water consumption isn’t even the worst part. The amount of chemicals (herbicides, pesticides and petroleum derived fertilizers) assholes dump on their lawns, or more often pay someone else to in the search of lush carpeting is obscene. Add to this gas and oil for the mower. Lawn is the single worst fucking thing to have in your yard.
Urinary Tract InfectionIf The Bacteria Can’t Stick, They Can’t StayRecent research from the Weizmann Institute of Science indicates that there is another approach to dealing with infections. The majority of infectious diseases are initiated by adhesion of pathogenic organisms to the tissues of the host. Bacterial adherence to mucosa is an initial and important stage to cause urinary tract infection. Recent Studies show that certain compounds recognized by the bacterial lectins block the adhesion of the bacteria to the binding cells. This blocks adhesion and colonization. The result is that the bacteria can’t stay and are simply flushed out of the system.D-Mannose Makes the Bacteria Very SlipperyD-Mannose is a unique carbohydrate molecule that possesses two unique properties. The first important property is that when consumed orally it is not metabolized like other carbohydrates and instead is excreted by the kidneys into the urine. Secondly, once it is in the urine it has a high affinity to the bacteria lectins that are used to adhere to the urinary tract lining. Once these receptors are filled the bacteria cant bind to the urinary tract wall preventing colonization and are simply flushed out of the system.
This must make you hate Antonio Villaraigosa’s lawn even more.
My hatred for AV’s lawn could not possibly grow any more. David Nahai’s lawn too, for that matter.
Matthew, nice rant. So is 200 gallons of water per person/ per day a lot or a little? Is all that water fresh or is some (like on many golf courses) recycled? More to the point, how does this compare to industrial and agricultural water usage?
From what little I know about water use in California, people’s lawns are not the problem. Industrial agriculture is the problem, e.g. California, a very arid state, is one of the largest rice growers in the world. In fact, new water use rules in California unfairly penalize homeowners in favor of industrial agricultural activities.
According to the L.A. Times, 10 percent of water usage in Southern California goes to people’s lawns. That number is higher in Los Angeles County though, because unlike Orange County, for example, we use very little reclaimed water for landscaping. Some public land is irrigated with reclaimed water, but the majority of landscaping in L.A. is done with drinking water.
That all said, you’re right, agriculture accounts for 80 percent of water usage in So Cal. We shouldn’t be growing rice. I could just as easily go on a rice rant.
In response to another comment. See in context »I just Facebooked your article. I’m new to it so I only have four friends. The LA Times recently profiled some guy who has a small succulent garden in Culver City. All indigenous plants, this guy barely waters and he has ground cover and much beauty. Palm Springs has 125 golf courses! SoCal is almost all desert and there are plenty of varieties of natural vegetation to drastically reduce the use of water. Then there are those fake lawns – they must make the Earth feel like it’s wearing a wig. Tom Medlicott
When I was with the LA CityBeat I was planning to write a cover story called “Fuck Golf.” Unfortunately the paper went out of business before I could finish the piece. But God, do I hate golf.
In response to another comment. See in context »Don’t get me started on cemeteries and the water wasted on those lawns. That could be a whole other rant. The oldest cemetery in LA is now barren on one side and flooded on the other because it’s full and there is no money to keep it up and their watering system is broken. It’s disgraceful. We need natural cemeteries that are like open space not golf courses.
At least I have a lawn, Fleischer
You are so breaking rocks in Mongolia for that one if I ever lead a successful Maoist coup in this country.
Is that what this is really about? Lawn envy disguised as environmental superiority?
Trust me, I have a laundry list of envies, but lawn envy isn’t on there. Garden gnome envy, maybe.
In response to another comment. See in context »My balcony kicks your lawn’s butt.
Go figure, a bunch of LA people arguing about how to watse more of N. California’s water. It makes me sad to see it going on again.
Turf management is an industry like any other that wants to sell equipement, chemicals, and services. Admit it, have you are been duped?
Please do what you can to reduce and recycle the amount of water used. Try scented ground covers, they use less water used and they smell great! sf:)