Geese Testify About US Air Flight 1549

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Washington, DC – Today, representatives from a Canadian geese flock testified about the US Airways Flight 1549 incident of January 15th, 2009 at a special hearing of the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Transportation and Infrastructure.

After the seemingly graceful and heroic “Miracle on the Hudson” incident on a snowy New York day, all attention appeared to be focused on Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger, III. From the moment his teary-eyed family greeted this plane captain on land, his full-force public relations assault has included everything from television appearances to Congressional testimony. But we have now learned that this was but one side to the story.

Behind the scenes, in the power corridors of Washington, DC, Beverly Hills, and the Upper West Side of Manhattan, other forces have been at work to discredit Sully and tell an alternative story of the incident of 15 January.

For nearly four months, animal rights lobbyists, wealthy individuals, and outside pressure groups have used their considerable influence to force the hand of lawmakers who, perhaps purposely, had not allowed friends and relatives of the geese involved in the incident to have a public forum to share their views. From liberal bastions like Air America talk radio to the geeky micromessaging platform Twitter to “Swift Boat”-style television ads during car racing events, Sully’s popularity has slowly and steadily eroded, according to a recent Rasmussen poll. Whereas on February 1st, 78% of people had a positive view of Sully, by May 1 only 56% of people shared that view (n=458 likely liberals, + 3%).

“Sure, Sully gets all the attention, because he’s human. Humans like other humans, and treat wild animals as some lesser form of life. Well, birds and jumbo passenger jets share the airways, and the United States has to come to terms with that,” commented an angry goose named Jim before the hearing in front of the Subcommittee on Aviation today.

Another goose, named George, had this to say when spotted on the roof of local hangout Marvin’s in the historic U Street district, “Look, the guy flying that plane saved all those people. But he also killed a lot of birds. And he needs to publicly be brought to justice. Now, can you tell me where Cafe St. EX is?”

Screams of “Murderer!” could be heard from crowds of birds blocking human traffic and protesting on Independence Avenue outside the U.S. House of Representatives building where the hearing was held. With his identity obscured via a darkscreen and voice modifying technology, a goose only known by his FBI-assigned codename “Barney” delivered a statement detailing the side of this horrific incident that only a bird could tell.

“Freely flying in search of food, a giant mechanical beast screamed through the skies, devouring all air in its path…and five of my friends, too. Unrelentingly grinding their bones, churning them into a pulp, burning their feathers and flesh, this human feat of destruction took lives quickly and without remorse,” Barney the goose told the assembled House members. “I have a dream, that one day this persecution of birds will end, that this slavery to human flight will die (as my friends died) and the airways will again be free for all birds to enjoy.”

In his debut as a spokesperson for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, former football star Michael Vick denounced the treatment of birds by human plans as “inhumane.”

At this time any larger effect of the Congressional hearing on the birds’ eye view of the Flight 1549 landing is unclear. But the birds have had their say. Appearing later on CNN’s The Situation Room, Barney (by this time sipping a mojito behind a security curtain in Miami’s South Beach neighborhood) commented, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But a bird in the Airbus A320 engine gets you on TV.”