Teenager Buys Twitter With Allowance

Image via CrunchBase

Cincinnati, Ohio — In a surprise move that rocked the information technology sector today, a 17-year-old boy purchased the popular micromessaging service Twitter for just under twenty dollars.

John Fensler, described by neighbors and friends as the “shy, studious type,” purchased Twitter for $18.46 in a strategic move that ends a bidding war between Facebook, Google, Microsoft, and even Apple.

Analysts were surprised at the deal he got. Jekemiah Zowyang, of Forrestish Research, commented, “Fensler really did his homework. Facebook was going to pay $500 million, and Apple was rumored to be in negotiations for a $700 million purchase. But Fensler got it in an all cash deal. Simply masterful.”

While it is not uncommon for an American teenager to own his own 40-person corporation, the controversy here comes from the valuation of Twitter. The company, which has provided a free, difficult to use platform for micromessaging friends since March 21, 2006, has many users – indeed, in the millions. But what are they worth? And what are the messages worth?

Fensler created a unique algorithm for determining this worth, presaging his takeover of the Silicon Valley-based firm. First, he assumed that the company was worth absolutely nothing. Then, he valued each employee at $0.25 (“It seemed about right.”), which totaled $6.25. He added $5.00 to the offer, one dollar for each user that currently has over one million followers (“That’s when you might squeeze value from the system,” he says.). Fensler then offered another $5 for Twitter’s infrastructure, and $2 for Loren Feldman’s and Ryan Seacrest’s accounts (“I must stop this madness that is 1938 Media and American Idol.”).

Finally, in a bout of late-stage one-upmanship to beat out Google, Fensler sweetened the deal for Twitter’s owners by adding an additional 21 cents to his offer. “That sealed it up as far as we were concerned,” said co-founder Jack Dorsey. “He just plopped down a twenty and politely asked for change. It was such a power move. Very impressive for someone so young. We felt compelled to say yes.”

Cash deals are all the rage in this current business climate. Zowyang: “Facebook offered a big buyout, but it was all stock. Who knows how much that stock will be worth in three years, or three months? Facebook’s business model is shaky.” According to the website RumorsIntelligence.com, Fensler, unable to obtain a small business loan in this uncertain economy, saved up his weekly allowance for over three weeks to make it happen.

“We’re so proud of our little John,” said father David Fensler in an interview with mainstay tech blog TechCrunch. “We were worried when he said he wanted to be a serial entrepreneur rather than attend college, but I think the path is clear now – he’s the youngest mogul in Ohio.”

While the founders of Twitter are relishing their buyout as proof of worth, it’s not clear that their investors are happy with the deal. Two sources close to the deal, who refused to go on the record as the negotiations were private, commented that while they secretly knew that Twitter was basically worthless, they had thought they would get at least a million dollars in the end, with a bit of gullibility on the side. With the average payout to venture capitalists being an estimated $1.34, people are sure to shy away from investing in rad start-ups in the near future.

According to analysts like Zowyang, is still not clear what the business model of Twitter is going to be moving forward. But now that Dorsey and the other staff work for Fensler, he is reportedly going to focus their efforts on microniche markets. Mashable is reporting that Twitter’s goal is to have every known celebrity on the service by the end of third quarter 2009. “We’ll be able to free them from the slavery of agents and managers, and allow talent to talk directly to producers and fans alike,” says the visionary Fensler.

Socialite and model Paris Hilton, now an avid user of Twitter, commented: “That’s hot.”

Even as Twitter’s investors lick their wounds, young John Fensler is on top of the world. Not just the CEO and Chairman of a popular entertainment company, he was just elected homecoming king of Cincinnati Public High School No. 3, and has stated that he intends to move to Silicon Valley to help fledgling companies as an angel investor. Fensler has also been romantically linked to actress Lindsay Lohan, though both sides denied that rumor through spokes people’s Twitter accounts. (Lohan is apparently still in love with Samantha Ronson.)

Update: John Fensler will appear as a judge on the next season of Donald Trump’s show The Apprentice.