In capitalist Russia, brides mail-order YOU
A friend sent me this reddit feed (ok you probably don’t really care, but since I am aware of all internet traditions I follow proper blogging protocol at all times and in all places with a rigorous and unyielding consistency) , which contains a link to what is probably the funniest Craigslist advertisement in human history.
It is an ad aimed at Americans who want to marry Russian women. “No big deal, Mark” you might say, “aren’t there like thousands of those sites? Don’t the advertisements on your own blog frequently include websites that aim to find ‘true love’ somewhere in Eastern Europe?”
Well, what distinguishes this particular example from the rest of its competitors, what separates it from its imitators like wheat from chaff and what displays a truly remarkable level of sophistication and foresight, is that it asks the American males at whom it is targeted to move to Russia to avoid riots that will take place in the future. That’s right, kids, no one is trying to finagle a green card here and no one is chasing a blue passport! In fact, in modern Russia, you must be sponsored by your (mail-order) bride to be, and you must prove your worth in order to receive (Russian) citizenship!
My comedy skills aren’t what they used to be, so just for kicks here is the ad’s actual text (I swear I’m not making this up)
Morons who think that Russian women are looking to escape Russia to come to America, stop reading now and don’t bother contacting me. Men who would like to find a beautiful, in shape, family oriented Russian woman who will be willing to marry you and sponsor you to come and live in a stable, prosperous, capitalist Russia – do get in touch! I can help you find a woman who will not only become your loving wife, the mother of your children, but who can also help you escape what’s coming soon: the Great American riots, desperate unemployment, $120 loaf of bread, the criminals both in the streets and in the government that rob you blind any way you turn, and live in a stable, safe environment of Mother Russia. You can get your Russian Green Card in 3 years and Russian citizenship in 5. But beware, streets are not paved with gold in Russia. People do have to work for a living but you will find the change incredibly refreshing once you escape the confinds of USSA (United Socialist States of America) and set your foot on free soil of Mother Russia where your dreams of freedom, prosperity, stability and having a loving wife and family can be realised.
There is, I think, a vaguely serious point buried somewhere in here, which is the apparent inability of many Russians to distinguish between plans (or other future activity) and reality. I totally believe that whoever wrote that ad really does think that the United States stands on a precipice of chaos and disorder. To a certain extent this is just normal human ignorance, but based on my experience it appears that this sort of magical thinking about the future is a bit more prevalent among Russians than among other nationalities. I remember a few weeks back I said something banal and inoffensive to the effect of “Russia isn’t a superpower,” and someone showed up in the comments hysterically screeching “but the Russians said they are going to build 85,000 aircraft carriers by 2050, and only superpowers can do that!!!” The legacy of Soviet planning, in which the biggest and most dramatic improvements were always 3-5 years down the line, does a lot to explain this, and I think it goes without saying that this is a pattern of thought that is deeply destructive. Looking to the future is a good thing, but looking endlessly to the future while studiously ignoring that crappyness of everything around you is not very healthy.
But yeah, back to the main point, apparently you can move to Russia to find the women of your dreams. To whomever is brave/stupid enough to give that idea a shot…well, good luck.
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Hey, what do you mean “brave/stupid to try and find a woman of your dreams in Russia”?
You think that’s implausible? Why? There’s no shortage of well-educated English-speaking beatiful women in the big cities of Russia. So it’s no more a “feat” than marrying a French, Italian or Sweden woman.
P.S. If you can separate natural w****s from actually self-respecting ones, that is. All nations have b****es.
I just meant that you would be pretty foolish to move to Russia based solely on a Craigslist advertisement. I have several friends who work in Moscow and I don’t consider them stupid for moving there at all. However when they moved to Moscow it was, you know, to start a job, not to answer a personal add.
In response to another comment. See in context »Looks like Stas Mishin of Mat Rodina is hard at work!
I really wouldn’t be surprised to see big riots in the US in 2 years. It’s a very deep fiscal hole, shows no signs of crawling out of it, and eventually the Treasury bond buyers will stampede.
It is certainly possible that, in 2 years, there will be some sort of civil disturbances in the US. However, I think it is totally crackers to suggest that, when faced by such a situation, the rational thing to do is to immediately move to Moscow. Russia seems to be slowly getting its economic act together, but it will be generations until it will come anywhere close to the US’ level of development.
In response to another comment. See in context »[...] Adomanis stumbles upon an atypical “women seeking men” ad on moscow.craigslist.org and writes on True/Slant about “the apparent inability of many Russians to distinguish between plans (or [...]
Mark, I hope the Russian’s hang you. You have nothing but disrespect for Russian people, everyone of your articles is an insult.
The funny thing about the collapse of a society is that everyone sees why it happened in hindsight, but damned few see it in time to predict fall in time to do something beforehand.
I wouldn’t laugh so hard at this kind of thing. There is a kernel of truth in it. As a people Russians have been through hell and back. It shows in their national psyche. They may not have an ideal government. In fact, I wouldn’t look to them as a model of anything governmental (except as a bad example). However, they persevere.
They are survivors.
That may have an appeal to those who may not be particularly enamored with the way life is going here in the US.
Hahaha! Trying to imagine who would write such an ad, I’ve already come up with a half dozen known possibilities! Truly, this should be kept for posterity as concise summary of all the creepy, delusional Russophilic talking points rolled into one. Anyway – I’d like to know what options are available for American women looking to defect to Mother Russia once the Great American riots begin…
I do not think that Russia is ready to accept large numbers of refugees. U.S. strong enough country to withstand the coming tests. People in Russia for its part will help in the most difficult time by sending food and warm clothes.
In response to another comment. See in context »This sounds like an American ad, no? That said, if you do follow this ad to the non-gold streets of Russia, there is an added bonus that this Craigslister didn’t mention: it’s far better to move to Russia for a Russian woman than to bring one back. This way, once you get her, you can cheat on her with 20 bajillion other Russian women who will find your receding hairline and back problems improbably charming. If you bring her back to the Socialist States of America (oh, dear), you’ll be stuck in that same sea of feminist bitches.
Julia,
This whole post was actually a classic misdirection play on my part: I want to steal all of the Russian women for myself and if I paint the idea of moving to Russia as crazy I will have less competition.
In response to another comment. See in context »Zounds, Adomanis! Thou art wiley in your wench thievery.
In response to another comment. See in context »