Slay bells, indeed: Lou Carlozo’s 10 Worst Christmas Albums of All Time

In 2010, I will retrofit my True/Slant column to return more to the subject I know exceedingly well and love even more: popular music. As I get ready to make that change, I present you with an updated version of a piece I did in 2008, where I name the 10 worst pop Christmas albums of all time. It’s a job dirtier than shoving coal into my kids’ stockings, but I take it on with the stoicism of Kenny G inhaling before one of those endless soprano sax solos.

Let’s begin our journey thus:

If Charles Dickens were still alive and searching for a new threat to haunt Scrooge more than his three Yuletide ghosts, he might start by strolling the CD aisles at Wal-Mart and grabbing a handful of discs that purport to contain ” Christmas music.” Among the recent offerings, he’d find an acoustic ditty by Christian artists Shane & Shane called “Born To Die.”

That’s right. A Christmas song called “Born To Die.”

True, some theologians believe baby Jesus came into this world knowing that he’d suffer a horrible death. That said, “Born To Die” sounds awfully inappropriate for the season and would likely halt your Christmas bash faster than botulism-tainted eggnog.

And so:

10] Shane & Shane’s “Glory in the Highest” (inpop) clambers onto our top 10 list of worst Christmas albums with all the stealth of, say, how you’d fall off a ladder while stretching to slap a star atop the tree. It comes in at No. 10. Here’s the rest of the swill that stirs my cup of holiday jeer:

9] “A Winter Symphony,” Sarah Brightman (Manhattan). You can never have enough harps at Christmas. But what better accompaniment than … jungle drums? “Symphony” sounds as if Brightman (pictured above in a frankincense-inspired rapture) sang the whole thing through a frosty glass window in a VH1 video, barely holding back the tears. Or, even more harps. REVISED TITLE: “She Could Harp On and On”

8] “Natty and Nice: A Reggae Christmas,” various artists (Rhino). Think of it as Christmas in July—a hot, sticky, dopey sort of July that’ll make you hanker for Chicago winter year-round. REVISED TITLE: “Christmas Dread”

7] “Merry Christmas,” Mariah Carey ( Sony). And you thought Carey’s Christmas gift to the world involved passing out popsicles on MTV. Maybe Mariah should set the bar higher—and team with Celine Dion and Whitney Houston to produce the Blandest, Most Melodramatic Pop Christmas Disc Ever. REVISED TITLE: “Really Mariah, You Shouldn’t Have”

6] “A Twistmas Story With Twitty Bird and Their Little Friends,” Conway Twitty (Tree Productions). His last name sounds like “Tweety,” and there’s a song called “Christmas Is for the Birds”—get it? Cheesy backup singers abound, and numbers such as “Happy the Christmas Clown” give us one more reason to fear pasty-faced circus jesters. REVISED TITLE: “No Country for Old Jokes”

5] “This Is the Time: The Christmas Album,” Michael Bolton (Sony). For those who like their Yule treacle super-size, there’s Michael Bolton. REVISED TITLE: “I’m Dreaming of a Whine Christmas”

4] “Christmas on Death Row,” various artists (Death Row/Interscope). Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like the words “Death Row” and “EXPLICIT CONTENT.” As one artist sings, ” ‘Christmas time is a time for chillin’.” And as one amazon.com reviewer put it, “Spending Christmas actually on Death Row would be better.” REVISED TITLE: “Bad Christmas Rapping Job”

3] “Christmas Song,” Mannheim Steamroller (American Gramaphone). Having forever infected the holidays with his synth-laden “Deck the Halls,” Chip Davis found his encore on this 2007 disc. He surrounded an aging Johnny Mathis (on “The Christmas Song”) with enough machinelike percussion to pummel a fruitcake. REVISED TITLE: “Grandpa Got Run Over by a Steamroller”

2] “A Twisted Christmas,” Twisted Sister (Razor & Tie). . Twisted Sister retrofits “O Come All Ye Faithful” to the melody and arrangement of their one-and-only hit, “We’re Not Gonna Take It.” This is rawwwk—as in “I got a rawwwk in my stocking.” REVISED TITLE: “We’re Not Gonna Take It (For a Gift)”

1] “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” Elmo & Patsy (Epic). When experts mull what brought down the major-label system, they can forget about downloading and examine this album instead. REVISED TITLE: “Let’s Run Over Elmo and Patsy With a Steamroller”