Mar. 31 2010 - 10:31 am | 298 views | 0 recommendations | 18 comments

Is Jesus a Celebrity?

By LORRAINE MURPHY

Saint Bono

Well, it’s Holy Week and I’m Irish Catholic on one side and Irish Protestant on the other, so I can think of no better way to celebrate than by popping a Molotov Cocktail or two and starting something that’s sure to end badly.

So: was Jesus Christ a celebrity? IS Jesus Christ a celebrity now? And if yes, why?

[I've just noticed that among Related Images in the Media Gallery, Zemanta serves up two stained-glass church windows, one pope, a couple of Old Masters paintings, the Shroud of Turin, and (of course) Bono. It's a sign]

“When those people get up at the Grammys and say, “I thank God,” I always imagine God going, “Oh, don’t — please don’t thank me for that one. Please, oh, that’s an awful one! Don’t thank me for that — that’s a piece of [crap]!” The most powerful idea that’s entered the world in the last few thousand years — the idea of grace–is the reason I would like to be a Christian. Though, as I said to [U2 guitarist] The Edge one day, I sometimes feel more like a fan, rather than actually in the band. I can’t live up to it. But the reason I would like to is the idea of grace. It’s really powerful.” Bono

The criteria for celebrityhood are both loose and absolute, in that one can attain celebrityhood through an almost infinite number of endeavors including the currently-popular sex tape or the formerly-popular being martyred, but one must attain pretty much unquestionable levels of fame, however you do it. You can see right there how much softer we’ve gotten in the last few centuries, so no more of this mawkish “they make such sacrifices for their fans” nonsense, if you please.

It’s a funny need for compensation that makes you need fifty thousand screaming people telling you they love you in order for you to feel normal.” Bono

In his own time, there was no better path to celebrity (other than being born Emperor) than to be a young, charismatic, up-by-his-sandalstraps preacher from the boondocks with a fresh message and a snappy line in parables. Rolling with a posse of apostles, trailing flashmobs in his wake, enjoying a quiet meal for thirteen in the VIP room, Jesus was the Bono of his time.

Oh, I am SO going to Hell for that. At least Dave Allen will be there.

So we’ve established what made Jesus a celebrity back before YouTube and talk radio. What makes Jesus a celebrity now? Well, there’s the irrefutable fact that millions, maybe even billions of people still gather at scheduled times in buildings to think about him for a couple of hours straight, even without him making an appearance in the flesh; it’s sort of like a Michael Jackson tribute concert, only the backup singers are wearing more clothes.

“I come from the position that 50.000 people gathered might not be wrong. In fact, if they’re gathered together at one of our gigs, I’m tempted to think they might be right!” Bono

Some people are convinced he is literally alive. Yes, the King of Kings is just like The King (although there’s a pretender to the throne; isn’t there always?). That puts him in the refined company of Elijah, Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, Michael Jackson and – nope, I ain’t gonna say it.

BP: What’s your favourite method of transportation?
BONO: An angel’s back. No, make that blindfolded.

Truly devoted fans sometimes still faint, experience ecstacy or lose coherence at the mere thought of him, and if you’re a really special groupie like Mary Magdalene or Patti D’Arbanville, there’s gold in it for you. They used to call them Epistles and Gospels, but now we just call them memoirs.

“Sometimes being a rock star is like going through a sex change. A lot of people treat you like you’re a girl, they stare at you and follow you down the street, ’till you don’t know where to hide.” Bono

And, of course, there’s merchandise.

“You put on the leather pants and the pants start telling you what to do.” Bono

He’s got a tv special devoted to his face just like Elizabeth Hurley and John Cleese, putting him well up in the Frank Sinatra Immortal Fame bracket. And he’s got wannabes.

“As we were leaving stage, I said [to Bob Dylan], ‘Those songs are gonna last forever, Bob.’ And he said, ‘Your songs are gonna last forever, too – the only thing is, no one’s gonna be able to play them.’ They’re hard to figure out, you know?” Bono

And, of course, the innumerable fansites devoted to the most minute minutiae including the kind of insanely detailed entrails analysis that would drive any forensic examiner mental.

“I met this guy once in a mental hospital I was visiting. He introduced himself as Jesus Christ. I just said, ‘Haven’t we met before?’ He said nothing. I asked him why, if he was the son of God, was he in a mental hospital? He said, ‘Because it’s my 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness.’ At that point I just cracked up. I asked him when the end of the world was going to come. He said April 1. I thought, ‘Brilliant, pencil it into the diary. The world will end on April Fool’s Day. Perfect” Bono

And, of course, you’ve gotta go out leaving them wanting more. Thanks in part to that untoppable exit and brief comeback tour, they’ve been asking for more for 2000 years or so.