Peaches, rotten, dropped

Peaches Geldof is a peach

How much of a fuckup must you be when you’re a bona fide Child of a Lesser God and you can’t even keep a job as a second-string lingerie model? Even Jesse James’ castoffs do better than that!

Peaches Geldof, known (if at all) as the less attractive, more annoying offspring of Bob Geldof and the late serial-groupie-turned-surprisingly-watchable-tv-host Paula Yates, has been officially dumped as spokesmodel for Miss Ultimo lingerie. The reason? Entirely predictable scandal. With Peaches, what you see is indeed what you get.

Peaches Geldof in Miss Ultimo ads. That is one WHOLE lotta Photoshop

A rep said:

“We have been in meetings all morning with regards to the stories that have surfaced over the weekend about Peaches and unfortunately we have no option but to terminate her contract. Miss Ultimo is a brand geared towards a young female audience and as a company we have a social responsibility to ensure we are promoting only positive role models that young women can aspire to. We are thus in the process of removing Peaches from the website and we are working with Debenhams to remove her visuals from all Miss Ultimo shops and window displays throughout the UK.”

Which contrasts slightly with what the head of the lingerie company said a few months ago:

“Peaches was the perfect choice for this campaign. She’s young, edgy with lashings of style”

Edgy. Well, yes.

Rockstar progeny and Brit scenester queen Peaches Geldof makes a cameo in a Reddit forum for “WTF one-night stand stories.” A commenter describes an alleged heroin-fueled Thanksgiving Eve sex party—and waking up in the Hollywood Celebrity Scientology Center.

In all honesty, it’s not as if she was trying to hide who she was, how she preferred to spend her time, or with whom she preferred to spend it. They can hardly claim to be surprised that pictures of a visibly out-of-it and naked Peaches have been splashed all over the internet. Quibble all you like over whether the substance in question was booze or black tar heroin, the point is the same.

This kind of thing is, after all, sort of her brand. Her entire life looks like a Terry Richardson shoot: rich white trash playacting poor white trash. You can think of her as the upmarket Amy Winehouse, only without the talent. Or, it must be said, looks.

Peaches Geldof, penitent

While there has always been a demand for stunt casting and a certain appetite for fashion photos of even the most equine of celebrity offspring, one has to question the wisdom of hiring a 20-year-old divorcee whose only notable achievement was getting hired and fired by Nylon magazine within six months. Or was it getting and losing a reality show within six months? Or was it married and divorced within six months? Or all of the above? No, she’s still “writing” for Nylon. Well, heck, at least she has her contributions to literature to fall back on.

She is, however, funny; whether or not this is intentional is a matter of some debate.

“I have respect for broadsheet journalists because they haven’t succumbed to degrading themselves, to writing pidgin English with all these terrible colloquialisms, the phrasing of which is just, like, embarrassing”.

You got that right!

We wish Peaches all success in her future endeavors, most particularly if they involve modeling and writing, as we have many, many friends who are in need of employment as Photoshoppers and copyeditors.

BONUS: in the great tradition of the Beatles’ (and Sadie Frost’s) Sexy Sadie, we present Sir Elton John’s Rotten Peaches.