Celebrity assets: plundering booty

In my previous post about the dollar value of celebrity butts on seats, I neglected to mention one of the most famous examples. I shall do so now, both because the hits on the last post were mortifyingly low (so, if nobody is interested in celebrity bums, howcum Kim Kardashian is a star? Riddle me that, melads) and because the entire discussion is incomplete without it.

Presenting former child star, current celebutard trainwreck Lindsay Lohan, otherwise known as Coke Pants, possessor of one of the most tragicomic mug shots known to the human species.

Lindsay Lohan mugshot from The Smoking Gun

Honestly, doesn’t it just look like some poor babysitter got caught after curfew?

In one light-hearted escapade back in 2005, she turned into the oncoming traffic lane and apparently attempted to drive right through a van, perhaps under the impression that she’d built up enough speed for Special Relativity to kick in; unbeknownst to her, the Mercedes model she was driving does not, in fact, come equipped with a working Oscillation Overthruster and so she was unsuccessful.

The resulting crash sent the van driver to the hospital and sent Lohan fleeing into the aptly-named (is her life a noir film or what?) Hideaway House Antique Store, where she caught her breath while reclining in an antique $5200 French walnut chair.

How do we know it was $5200? Because Our Lady of Coke Pants realized the situation, and, being no fool, yelled for her assistant. “I look down and there’s blood specks all over the chair! … I looked at my assistant. I said, ‘Buy this chair. It’s not getting sold on eBay!’”

The assistant assisted, the suddenly-valuable-beyond-rubies chair was purchased, and the store owner blabbed to the press. Selah.

So there is proof positive that celebrities sitting on things is a value-added service, even if only to those same, self-referential celebrities. Surely everyone knows that only the nouveau riche pay full price at an antiques store. So, kudos to Mister Hideaway House, who for once got to skip the tedious process of negotiation and pocket full price for something. Bereft eBayers and fanboy/collectors must look elsewhere for their celebrity DNA but imagine for a moment the potential destructive power of an army of Lilo clones out there on the highways.

Perhaps the NSA should look into getting their hands on that chair, in the national interest and all.

Lindsay Lohan mai cokepants