Light my fire: 2010 Olympic torchbearer revealed?
The real star of the show is the anointed “Greatest Celebrity in the Whole Damn Country,” the extra-super-special Torchbearer who gets to light the Olympic flame during the opening ceremonies. As you may know, the Olympics are being held in Vancouver.
That’s Vancouver, BC, not Vancouver, Washington, which is very nice and which according to a friend of mine has a lovely restaurant where Frank Sinatra was taken after a show back when JFK was president and everything was glossy and new, and was being snotty and threw his tagliatelle or whatever it was (I just like typing “tagliatelle,” it’s lyrical even in QWERTY) at somebody just to show off what a star he was, which brings us back to the central point of this blog post, which I’m sure you’ve all long since given up on.
Who, pray tell, is the biggest Canadian celebrity?
Truly hath the poet said: In the States, celebrities need crowd control. In Canada, they need nametags.
Indeed: how can a nation of pathologically unassuming lumberjacks and folksingers possibly provide anything approaching the glittering spectacle put on by Beijing only two years ago? Lip-synching lumberjack chorus lines? CGA fireworks supplied by Electronic Arts? A Coca-Cola-sponsored Polar Bear Musical Ride?
Let’s face it: when it comes to Grand Celebrity Poo-bah, the pickings are rather slim.
- The Great One, also known to the outside world as Wayne Gretzky. Sure, he may have forsaken his homeland a decade or more ago, but he’ll always be Our Boy, especially since his American wife called the man who traded him to the States an asshole.
- Celine “My Celebrity Will Go On” Dion
- Wiarton Willy, Canada’s answer to Punxsutawney Phil (nuff said)
- Michael “Nicest Guy Who Ever Worked With Me At Starbucks” Bublé
- Michael J. “Nicest Guy Rush Limbaugh Ever Picked On” Fox
- Leonard “I’ve Slept With Every Woman Over 25 In The Country That Has To Count For Something” Coen
- The Ghost of Terry Fox
- The cast of SCTV, which was always (sorry but not really) better than Saturday Night Live, duh
- Some Do-Goodery Type who’s dedicated his life to making the country a better place?
But, seriously, it’s time we looked at the few (in fact, the tiny handful) of Canuckistanis who could draw a crowd on their own merits. Who among them can be called pre-eminent?
There can be only one.
The Shat is The Shit.
If that man doesn’t materialize via transporter beam at the Opening Ceremonies twelve hours from now (more or less) I will give up all pretense to being a Canadian Celebrity Handicapper. And you can quote me.
As if it mattered.
Bonus: William Shatner’s rendition of the immortal “I Am Canadian” speech: