Hey parents, stop monitoring your kids
You know that little thing called “intensive parenting?” You’ve heard about it. Maybe you’re doing it. Or maybe you’re a product of it (hello Gen Y:ers). Intensive parenting, like any dear child, has many names. As a Swede, my favorite is “curling parent.” Just think about that obscure Olympic sport with the brooms on ice, and you’ll understand why it’s such a brilliant analogy. Anyhow, intensive parenting has been on the rise for a while. In fact, a lot of older generations (ahem, the ones who parent) have long been complaining about the so-called “trophy generation,” Generation Y:ers who were so pampered and sheltered as kids that they were given awards just for showing up, and who are horribly entitled as a result.
Recently, with the recession and a generally trendy re-direction towards “slow” lifestyles and less conspicuous consumption, word has spread that intensive parenting may be on the decline. One reason is that parents don’t have the means to send their children to a gazillion after-pre-school activities anymore (turns out, toddler violin can be really expensive), or the time to serve as their personal chauffeur.
I’ve always been a proponent of letting kids just be a little more. I’m not claiming I wasn’t spoiled as a child (in many ways, I certainly was), but I had a childhood that was relatively free of intensive scheduling. This was in large part due to circumstance (as a young child I was living in the Soviet Union and was, as a foreigner, rather isolated to begin with, not to mention that the swarm of activities weren’t swarming as much on that side of the iron curtain), but it was also brought about by my parents’ firm belief in the invaluable lesson for any child of being able to amuse yourself. As a result, my sister and I played endless make-believe rather than attend college-prep for four year olds (I’m exaggerating, forgive me). I guess I should count my lucky stars that I got into college at all, without a decade-long volunteer history and an Olympic medal in something (My colleague on this blog, Liz, placed fourth in the Junior Olympics for Figure Skating. Needless to say, I’ve got nothing on her.).
I’m rambling.
What I really wanted to get to is the issue of parental involvement later on, say in high school and college. Intensive parenting tends to lead to the five-phone-calls-a-day-with-mommy model that I saw many of my peers adhere to in college. Call me ice cold, but that just seems like overdoing it. Kids needs some space. And they need some privacy too, in order to develop a life and an identity of their own. I know it’s scary to let us go, but if you raised us as good kids to begin with, chances are we’ll stay that way– myriad college temptations aside.
Here is a fabulous little video spoof from the Onion about what happens when parents use social networking sites to go too far in monitoring their college-age children. It’s a hoot. Treat yourself to a laugh, watch it:
- Astri
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The message I took from my son’s junior high school open house last night was: make sure you kid has his shit together. The school is premiering a Web site soon that has real-time tracking of homework and grades, and it’s willing to step in as needed, but for the most part the emphasis is on making sure the kids can do everything on their own. I’m not sure whether this is a new thing for the school, but I like it.
That tracking system sounds fascinating- but what does it mean, exactly? That parents can track their children’s progress in “real time” (and not the progress of other children, I’m assuming)? The point then being that kids can’t hide the fact that they’re not “keeping their shit together” to their parents? If I understand it correctly (and please correct me if I’m wrong), it sounds alright. But it makes me wonder: should parents know exactly if their kid has completed his homework or not? Doesn’t that kind of supra-surveillance lead kids to not have to “keep their shit together” on their own, by virtue of their own understanding and motivation that doing their homework is important and being honest with your parents about what you’re doing is as well? I remember exaggerating how much of my homework I had finished to my inquiring parents, but then realizing that I had to do it for my own sake when I didn’t know “my shit” in class. That was a valuable lesson to come to on my own.
- Astri
In response to another comment. See in context »The tracking system means that your child’s assignments are listed for each day, and grades are updated (I’m not quite sure it’s real-time, but you don’t have to wait for the report card). It seems a little overbearing, but these kids are still in seventh and eighth grade. Anyway, it’s a chance to head off trouble before it starts. I only plan to look at it if I start getting notes home from school telling me homework wasn’t turned in or there’s some sort of problem. Also, I love how you put my swearing in quotes.
In response to another comment. See in context »oh you know, was taught in school to cite my sources
In response to another comment. See in context »My kids go to schools with similar online access to grades. These systems are only as real time as the teacher is, which they usually aren’t. Sometimes it takes days to weeks for grades to get in. As for parents knowing when their kids homework is done – sometimes you find that they do their homework but don’t turn it in. That’s really irritating!
My daughter finds her online grade tracking system useful. I gave her access, and she uses it to see how she is doing and to check on her grades. She looks at it more than I do.
In response to another comment. See in context »Ladies,
Glad I found you. I am a “young person” (17, junior in high school), and am looking forward to hearing what you have to say.
There is this trend of adults getting into social networking more, and I think it isn’t going to end well. I think of most adults as mainstream adopters. They start doing something once it becomes cool, and most people know that it is cool. Eventually, the cool kids will move from Facebook, Twitter, and such, to a new model of communication, because that is what they do. I don’t know how that will look, but I know it is coming. And then the average adult/parent is going to be stuck trying to figure out why their teen rolls their eyes when they talk about Facebook.
Thanks for the blog, I’ll see you on the next post!
This video is a hoot….but I bet there are plenty of parents doing this.
One of the biggest generational differences you likely deal with at Lattice is the impatience with this behavior by some of the old-fart crowd who…left home! Parents didn’t know where we were or what we were doing when or with whom. Thank God. I barely got through some of my college and young adult moments unscathed, but I knew, from the age of 19 when I began living alone — and my parents were both off traveling the world for all those years — it was all up to me to figure it out, and fix it, whatever “it” was. Sometimes it was hairy, but I did figure it out. You acquire life skills by living on your own, making mistakes, seeing the good and bad consequences of your actions. How else?
How, when and where are these teens going to GROW (up) if no one leaves them alone long enough to figure shit out?
This reminds me of a great GMA segment on sexting where an apparent expert came in to advise what parents should do to keep tabs on their kids (video here: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=7337547&page=1)
Highlights include this exchange between a mom and the expert:
Mom: “Are we giving our kids too many pieces of technology?”
Expert: “I think the problem is not how many pieces, but the fact that we have no idea what we’re giving them. It’s like giving a four-year-old the keys to the car.”
Also: the advice to spy on children (which revealed that a child “flashed herself.”)
And then they parade some poor girl out and embarrass her for the fact that her friends sent a picture of her around. Yep. Well done, GMA. Way to address the issue.
[...] Work.Life – Liz Kofman & Astri von Arbin Ahlander â?? Hey parents … [...]
Unnecessary note here: As someone who spent a part of my childhood on “that” side of the iron curtain, I have to speak up for the good ‘ole USSR on one point. There actually were lots of activities for kids!
My parents one complaint about the US is that activities for youth here are so expensive. In the USSR, music and art classes were part of the school curriculum, even preschool (which, unlike in the US, was free and universal). Going to the ballet, the circus, or an orchestra cost mere copeks. I’m in no way saying the USSR or communism is a good idea–it was a wretched failure. I’m just saying there WAS an abundance of activities for kids.
Just sayin’,
Liz
You know Liz, come to think of it, I did attend an after-school pottery class for kindergartners. So, to correct my statement: there were less apparent activities for foreigners, who were not actually in the system. That my totally unnecessary response
In response to another comment. See in context »- Astri