“I agree that the issue of terminology is a tricky one, and reflects the poverty of choices American parents face. This came up as I was writing the book and sought to compare rates of “stay-at-home” fatherhood in the US and Sweden; I discovered that you couldn’t compare them, not directly, because of exactly the situation you describe: a parent in Sweden is taking leave from his or her job, and receives all or part of his or her pay; a parent in America must often drop out of the workforce, at least temporarily, and have no income. This increases pressure on breadwinners in all kinds of ways (parents, I’ve found, often make these decisions based on which one of them has the best health insurance) and limits the options of the caregiver. American parents get trapped into roles that might have initially embraced. In contrasting of men’s behavior and decisions in American and in Sweden, you really have to compare caregiving
rates (i.e., hours and activities with children), not who “stays home.”

For now, I think, it’s probably OK for parents of either gender to just calls themselves stay-at-home parents; it’s just their way of describing what they do every day, which is taking care of their kids and homes. For some people, it’s a short stint, for others, it lasts longer. In my case, I actually think the label stay-at-home dad fits quite well; I didn’t have
a job waiting for me, I had actually quit and then got a new job a year later. Which is what a lot of parents do, since employers in America are not required to give them any choice in the matter.

Incidentally, I predict that during the next two years we’ll see a spike in involuntary stay-at-home dads–i.e., dads who were laid off and took on bigger roles at home–and a reduction of voluntary stay-at-home dads. We are now in the midst of an all-hands-on-deck economic emergency. Even people who have jobs feel like they’re under the gun, and parents of both genders don’t feel they can take chances right now when it comes to work.”