Female Viagra fails in clinical trials, or so male partners claim

Not yet, ladies. Not yet. (Image via Wikipedia)

Flibberson. Fulibansirdoo. Flubberdashery.

Never mind. We’ll just do as we do with college sports teams and call it Lady Viagra.

The Food and Drug Administration today posted results of clinical trials finding that Lady Viagra doesn’t work.

U.S. News reports,

Although there was a slight increase in the number of sexually satisfying events flibanserin users had each month, the FDA staff who reviewed the results said the so-called response rate isn’t “particularly compelling.”

Stay with me. It gets better.

In an apparent counterpoint, the maker of the drug, Boehringer Ingelheim, posted its own 248-page findings. It concluded

…flibanserin 100 mg q.h.s. was associated with significant improvements in the number of SSE, sexual desire (measured by FSFI desire), distress associated with sexual dysfunction (measured by FSDS-R and Item 13) and sexual function (measured by FSFI) but did not significantly improve eDiary desire score, compared with placebo.

See, female desire is harder to measure (get it, get it?) than male desire. So the pharma had its subjects keep a diary — or an eDiary, because we’re all cool like that — to record their horniness.

Here’s how I’m imagining an entry might read:

Dear eDiary, tonight Bob and I went to bed at 11:30, which is a half hour later than I wanted, because he had to watch Betty White on “The Daily Show.” I was already pissed because he took a business call while I bathed the kids and then let Joey go to bed without flossing. He didn’t even notice my new Victoria’s Secret peekaboo bra. Needless to say, the sex sucked. You can take your flibberflubbershit and shove it.

Stay with me. It gets better. U.S. News adds,

About 15 percent of flibanserin users in the experimental trial stopped taking the drug because of bad reactions like dizziness, nausea, anxiety and insomnia, compared to 7 percent of the placebo users. Side effects were heightened in those who used the drug at the same time they were taking other medications, such as anti-fungal treatments, hormonal contraceptives, and antidepressants. Flibanserin itself was originally designed to be an antidepressant, but past clinical trials found that it didn’t alleviate depression.

So let me get this straight. Lady Viagra not only doesn’t arouse, it makes you vomit. But let’s go back. Boehringer developed it as an anti-depressant, and it didn’t work. Pharma execs fished it out of the reject pile and said, Hmm. It makes depressed people feel queasy. That’s kinda the same as a female orgasm, right?!

Back to the drawing board, boys. Start with the name.