Let’s categorize all the annoying ways people use Facebook!
Since I began my blogging hiatus, I find I spend more time on Facebook. I chalk it up to my pathetic need for some semblance of human connection, being that I spend my each and every day holed up in my attic office, writing a novel and a spec teleplay. I’m no longer fit for polite society.
Following are my broad stereotypes of Facebook users. And I’m not even calling out couples who fight; that’s just not right, man. If you’re a Facebook friend reading this, you know I love you; I’m just messing. Plus you’ll notice I myself am guilty of at least three of these.
Smugbook: Lying on my 600-thread-count Italian sheets chugging oysters and enjoying a Bora-Bora sunset. Ahh.
Subtext: Life is good when you’re me.
Comment you wish you could make: Just saw a news item about the botulism outbreak over there. Hope you brought Pepto.
Vaguebook: I almost went. Wish I did.
Subtext: Go ahead, ask me to elaborate.
Comment: I went. It was great.
Mombook: Trixie said to me today: “You know how many teeth I have? Twenty-four. That’s a lot.”
Subtext: My kids are smarter/cuter/funnier than yours.
Comment: Really, 24? You know that’s abnormal, right?
Dadbook: Found a pea in Theo’s diaper today. A whole, undigested pea.
Subtext: I rock at parenting. And I don’t care who knows it.
Comment: Next time, take a picture. Because we all want to know what your kid shat.
Third-personbook: Aidan thought he would eat a hot dog, but now he’s eaten four. He doesn’t feel good.
Subtext: I use the Facebook app on my Blackberry, which is stuck on the old, annoying third-person settings.
Comment: Is Aidan writing a novel starring himself? If not, Lisa thinks Aidan should brush up on his pronouns.
Dullbook: Rain again.
Subtext: I live with cats.
Comment: Get a life.
Twitterbook: RT @guy no nukes #swj http://gobbledygook.com
Subtext: My Tweets post as Facebook updates, and I’ve forgotten 400 million people use Facebook, vs. 14 million on Twitter.
Comment: #please @speak http://english.com.
TMIbook: The doctor said the hairy mole on my back is probably not a tumor.
Subtext: I have no boundaries.
Comment: But what about that pimple on your neck? Oh…that’s your head.
Groovybook: The sun in the sky makes me think of ladybug rockets.
Subtext: I used in college, and now I mistake my persistent confusion for interesting thoughts.
Comment: Hey, I think someone’s following you.
Add your own in the comments, if you want.