Let’s categorize all the annoying ways people use Facebook!
Since I began my blogging hiatus, I find I spend more time on Facebook. I chalk it up to my pathetic need for some semblance of human connection, being that I spend my each and every day holed up in my attic office, writing a novel and a spec teleplay. I’m no longer fit for polite society.
Following are my broad stereotypes of Facebook users. And I’m not even calling out couples who fight; that’s just not right, man. If you’re a Facebook friend reading this, you know I love you; I’m just messing. Plus you’ll notice I myself am guilty of at least three of these.
Smugbook: Lying on my 600-thread-count Italian sheets chugging oysters and enjoying a Bora-Bora sunset. Ahh.
Subtext: Life is good when you’re me.
Comment you wish you could make: Just saw a news item about the botulism outbreak over there. Hope you brought Pepto.
Vaguebook: I almost went. Wish I did.
Subtext: Go ahead, ask me to elaborate.
Comment: I went. It was great.
Mombook: Trixie said to me today: “You know how many teeth I have? Twenty-four. That’s a lot.”
Subtext: My kids are smarter/cuter/funnier than yours.
Comment: Really, 24? You know that’s abnormal, right?
Dadbook: Found a pea in Theo’s diaper today. A whole, undigested pea.
Subtext: I rock at parenting. And I don’t care who knows it.
Comment: Next time, take a picture. Because we all want to know what your kid shat.
Third-personbook: Aidan thought he would eat a hot dog, but now he’s eaten four. He doesn’t feel good.
Subtext: I use the Facebook app on my Blackberry, which is stuck on the old, annoying third-person settings.
Comment: Is Aidan writing a novel starring himself? If not, Lisa thinks Aidan should brush up on his pronouns.
Dullbook: Rain again.
Subtext: I live with cats.
Comment: Get a life.
Twitterbook: RT @guy no nukes #swj http://gobbledygook.com
Subtext: My Tweets post as Facebook updates, and I’ve forgotten 400 million people use Facebook, vs. 14 million on Twitter.
Comment: #please @speak http://english.com.
TMIbook: The doctor said the hairy mole on my back is probably not a tumor.
Subtext: I have no boundaries.
Comment: But what about that pimple on your neck? Oh…that’s your head.
Groovybook: The sun in the sky makes me think of ladybug rockets.
Subtext: I used in college, and now I mistake my persistent confusion for interesting thoughts.
Comment: Hey, I think someone’s following you.
Add your own in the comments, if you want.
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Lisa!! So nice to hear from you. My addition:
Namedropbook: Dinner with Michelle at the White House. The big O just wandered by to grab a carrot!
Subtext: I’m better than you are and I want you to know it.
Comment: Shut up.
You forgot ShamelessSelf-promotionBook. I know you would never do that.
I would definitely do that.
In response to another comment. See in context »Hey, Andreaitis! Missed you guys. I got another:
Chainletterbook: It’s Toe Awareness Day. If you love toes, copy this and post it. If you don’t, your toes will fall off.
Subtext: They really will. Fall off.
Comment: OMG. I didn’t, and they did.
GlenMalkinBaughBook: Health care reform is a evil islamonazicommutheist plot to kill grandma and ruin our country by making my taxes explode!
Subtext: I believe that what is good for multimillionaires is good for me.
Comment: If you want to overpay for health care, I am sure your doctor will accommodate you.
I think I need to make more right-wing friends. Those posts would entertain me.
In response to another comment. See in context »TurboencabulatorBook: I hate when the marsal vanes in the wing shaft of the inverted trunions are out of alignment.
Subtext: I’m too smart for you.
Comment: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe…
(two can play this game)
Ha! How ’bout…
Foreigncorrespondentbook: They played Kanye in my fave Baghdad cafe today. Made the tea go down easy.
In response to another comment. See in context »Subtext: Beat that.
Comment: They played Laurie Berkner at Tumble Time today. Made the apple juice go down easy.
What’s-annoying-about-facebook posts are sure winners because up to 400 million people will read them nervously. I’m not admitting I used in college, but the sun does remind me of ladybug rockets.
Here comes the rationalization. Facebook to me is like an enormous laboratory with millions of daily experiments in textual value. I’m pretty sure Andrea’s Namedropbook update, annoying as it is, would get 51 likes and 28 comments. “Wow, you had dinner with *that* Michelle?!?! Didn’t you just want to SCREAM??? What did she eat???”
Sometimes the post merits the response, sometimes it’s all about the community around the poster. Sometimes some unknown’s status update will strike a human chord and everyone flocks to it to comment. The Dalai Lama, who just joined this month, posts wonderful little snippets of Buddhist wisdom, but I suspect he could get a new chicken in Farmville and 3,000 people will still like it.
Remember when we published on paper and just assumed people read what we wrote? And we hoped they liked it? This is so much more real. Unless I’m just seeing ladybug rockets again.
Anyway, here’s my contribution:
Salesbook: Using pure witch hazel and yam extract, SkinPure (TM) is clinically proven to shrink unsightly pores by 58% when applied to the face!
Subtext: If you don’t buy this crap I’ll have to get a job.
Comment: Will it shrink an unsightly pie hole?
Oh god, I have an actual friend like that. She changes her avatar to the logo of whatever company pays her to do it. It’s really rather appalling.
In response to another comment. See in context »The Dalai Lama’s on FB?! I’m so friending him!
In response to another comment. See in context »I got so annoyed with the Smugbook types (more particularly on Twitter, where every frackkin Joe pretends they’re bloody Julia Child when you KNOW they’re eating Froot Loops out of the box just like always) that I started posting my own updates.
“Eating breakfast of bread and water. Maybe gruel later!”
Only, translated into, say, Finnish. Or Italian; everything sounds better in Italian. People would actually go to Babelfish to look up what I was eating. Slow payoff jokes are my favorite!
Also: don’t forget the Frakbookers: the people who go on Facebook to complain about Facebook. And the internet swallows its own tail.
Add Frakbooking to my list of sins, then.
In response to another comment. See in context »The sin I’m most guilty of is Snarkbooking, posting unearned cynicism on topics about which I’m only marginally informed.
Snarkbook: Bank execs get bailouts, bonuses. Unemployed moms sell engagement rings on Craigslist to buy eyeglasses for their kids.
Subtext: I could run the world much better if only independents could get elected.
Comment: Wouldn’t you have to submit to a background check for that?
Snarkbooking is my favorite kinda FB post. Would you friend me?
In response to another comment. See in context »Self-promobook: people who keep dumping only stuff from their websites to promote their latest book or article.
Subtext: I am SO productive and successful I have no time to share anything personal.
Comment: Piss off.
Duhbook: People who play really stupid games and have to tell us they scored really well.
Subtext: I’m such a fun person and SO skilled at these games.
Comment: What are you, six?
Jockbook: I just ran 177777 miles and barely broke a sweat.
Subtext: I have 1 percent body fat and you are a slug.
Comment: Get me a beer while you’re up, wouldja?
Welcome back!
An extension of Duhbook:
Farmvillebook: Lorraine has just fertilized Jane’s vegetables out of the goodness of her heart!
In response to another comment. See in context »Subtext: I have absolutely nothing better to do.
Comment: If you come shit on my vegetables, I’ll shoot you.
Love this!
In response to another comment. See in context »