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Mar. 18 2010 - 10:07 pm | 8,925 views | 1 recommendation | 18 comments

Let’s categorize all the annoying ways people use Facebook!

Since I began my blogging hiatus, I find I spend more time on Facebook. I chalk it up to my pathetic need for some semblance of human connection, being that I spend my each and every day holed up in my attic office, writing a novel and a spec teleplay. I’m no longer fit for polite society.

Following are my broad stereotypes of Facebook users. And I’m not even calling out couples who fight; that’s just not right, man. If you’re a Facebook friend reading this, you know I love you; I’m just messing. Plus you’ll notice I myself am guilty of at least three of these.

Smugbook: Lying on my 600-thread-count Italian sheets chugging oysters and enjoying a Bora-Bora sunset. Ahh.
Subtext: Life is good when you’re me.
Comment you wish you could make: Just saw a news item about the botulism outbreak over there. Hope you brought Pepto.

Vaguebook: I almost went. Wish I did.
Subtext: Go ahead, ask me to elaborate.
Comment: I went. It was great.

Mombook: Trixie said to me today: “You know how many teeth I have? Twenty-four. That’s a lot.”
Subtext: My kids are smarter/cuter/funnier than yours.
Comment: Really, 24? You know that’s abnormal, right?

Dadbook: Found a pea in Theo’s diaper today. A whole, undigested pea.
Subtext: I rock at parenting. And I don’t care who knows it.
Comment: Next time, take a picture. Because we all want to know what your kid shat.

Third-personbook: Aidan thought he would eat a hot dog, but now he’s eaten four. He doesn’t feel good.
Subtext: I use the Facebook app on my Blackberry, which is stuck on the old, annoying third-person settings.
Comment: Is Aidan writing a novel starring himself? If not, Lisa thinks Aidan should brush up on his pronouns.

Dullbook: Rain again.
Subtext: I live with cats.
Comment: Get a life.

Twitterbook: RT @guy no nukes #swj http://gobbledygook.com
Subtext: My Tweets post as Facebook updates, and I’ve forgotten 400 million people use Facebook, vs. 14 million on Twitter.
Comment: #please @speak http://english.com.

TMIbook: The doctor said the hairy mole on my back is probably not a tumor.
Subtext: I have no boundaries.
Comment: But what about that pimple on your neck? Oh…that’s your head.

Groovybook: The sun in the sky makes me think of ladybug rockets.
Subtext: I used in college, and now I mistake my persistent confusion for interesting thoughts.
Comment: Hey, I think someone’s following you.

Add your own in the comments, if you want.


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4 T/S Member Comments Called Out, 18 Total Comments
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  1. collapse expand

    Lisa!! So nice to hear from you. My addition:

    Namedropbook: Dinner with Michelle at the White House. The big O just wandered by to grab a carrot!
    Subtext: I’m better than you are and I want you to know it.
    Comment: Shut up.

  2. collapse expand

    You forgot ShamelessSelf-promotionBook. I know you would never do that.

  3. collapse expand

    Hey, Andreaitis! Missed you guys. I got another:

    Chainletterbook: It’s Toe Awareness Day. If you love toes, copy this and post it. If you don’t, your toes will fall off.
    Subtext: They really will. Fall off.
    Comment: OMG. I didn’t, and they did.

  4. collapse expand

    GlenMalkinBaughBook: Health care reform is a evil islamonazicommutheist plot to kill grandma and ruin our country by making my taxes explode!
    Subtext: I believe that what is good for multimillionaires is good for me.
    Comment: If you want to overpay for health care, I am sure your doctor will accommodate you.

  5. collapse expand

    TurboencabulatorBook: I hate when the marsal vanes in the wing shaft of the inverted trunions are out of alignment.

    Subtext: I’m too smart for you.

    Comment: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
    All mimsy were the borogoves,
    And the mome raths outgrabe…
    (two can play this game)

  6. collapse expand

    What’s-annoying-about-facebook posts are sure winners because up to 400 million people will read them nervously. I’m not admitting I used in college, but the sun does remind me of ladybug rockets.

    Here comes the rationalization. Facebook to me is like an enormous laboratory with millions of daily experiments in textual value. I’m pretty sure Andrea’s Namedropbook update, annoying as it is, would get 51 likes and 28 comments. “Wow, you had dinner with *that* Michelle?!?! Didn’t you just want to SCREAM??? What did she eat???”

    Sometimes the post merits the response, sometimes it’s all about the community around the poster. Sometimes some unknown’s status update will strike a human chord and everyone flocks to it to comment. The Dalai Lama, who just joined this month, posts wonderful little snippets of Buddhist wisdom, but I suspect he could get a new chicken in Farmville and 3,000 people will still like it.

    Remember when we published on paper and just assumed people read what we wrote? And we hoped they liked it? This is so much more real. Unless I’m just seeing ladybug rockets again.

    Anyway, here’s my contribution:

    Salesbook: Using pure witch hazel and yam extract, SkinPure (TM) is clinically proven to shrink unsightly pores by 58% when applied to the face!
    Subtext: If you don’t buy this crap I’ll have to get a job.
    Comment: Will it shrink an unsightly pie hole?

  7. collapse expand

    I got so annoyed with the Smugbook types (more particularly on Twitter, where every frackkin Joe pretends they’re bloody Julia Child when you KNOW they’re eating Froot Loops out of the box just like always) that I started posting my own updates.

    “Eating breakfast of bread and water. Maybe gruel later!”

    Only, translated into, say, Finnish. Or Italian; everything sounds better in Italian. People would actually go to Babelfish to look up what I was eating. Slow payoff jokes are my favorite!

    Also: don’t forget the Frakbookers: the people who go on Facebook to complain about Facebook. And the internet swallows its own tail.

  8. collapse expand

    The sin I’m most guilty of is Snarkbooking, posting unearned cynicism on topics about which I’m only marginally informed.

    Snarkbook: Bank execs get bailouts, bonuses. Unemployed moms sell engagement rings on Craigslist to buy eyeglasses for their kids.
    Subtext: I could run the world much better if only independents could get elected.
    Comment: Wouldn’t you have to submit to a background check for that?

  9. collapse expand

    Self-promobook: people who keep dumping only stuff from their websites to promote their latest book or article.
    Subtext: I am SO productive and successful I have no time to share anything personal.
    Comment: Piss off.

    Duhbook: People who play really stupid games and have to tell us they scored really well.
    Subtext: I’m such a fun person and SO skilled at these games.
    Comment: What are you, six?

    Jockbook: I just ran 177777 miles and barely broke a sweat.
    Subtext: I have 1 percent body fat and you are a slug.
    Comment: Get me a beer while you’re up, wouldja?

    Welcome back!

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    About Me

    Read Wasabi Mama for your daily dose of sinus-clearing rant on parenting, work, media and entertainment. If you like a fresh nasal passage, please click below my photo to "follow me." For more on me, please visit www.lisacullen.com.

    See my profile »
    Followers: 192
    Contributor Since: January 2009
    Location:New Jersey