Sexless marriage is common — but it ain’t healthy

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The other day, as we watched our four-year-olds flail around in some pretense at ballet, a mom I’d never met admired my baby. “We’re trying to have our second. She desperately wants a sister,” she said, indicating her daughter. “But I told her she’s not going to get one if she keeps sleeping in our bed.”

I’m constantly stumped by the oversharing of other parents. What the — what am I supposed to say to that? “Omigod, tell me about it! Here’s how we got it going…”

The thing I would have said, if I knew her from Adam, was that she’s totally not alone. According to Tara Parker-Pope in Well,

Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972.

And that’s an average couple — meaning many more see that number and think, “What the hell kind of sex-crazed bunnies have sex once a week?” It’s like that scene in “Annie Hall,” where Alvy complains to his therapist that his girlfriend Annie only wants to have sex three times a week — while she’s complaining to hers that he’s so sex-starved he wants it three times a week.

The culprit, of course, is children. Just like they ruin your career and your record collection, they lay waste to your sex lives. Heidi Raykiel writes a hilarious and touching essay about the struggle to have sex post-kids in Parenting magazine:

…let’s be honest here. Sleeping in smell-proof flannel, inches away from baby breath, isn’t romantic. Besides fostering the occasional urge to scream “GIVE ME MY FRIGGIN’ SPACE!” the Family Bed is also a perfect scapegoat for an ever-waning sex life.

Fellow moms of small children, we know of which she gripes. But that doesn’t mean our partners do. As involved as Daddies are these days, they somehow still have enough of something left over at the end of the day to want sex.

So I turned with interest to Justine Davies’ blog post: “How much would you charge for sex?” It turned out to be about Natalie Dylan, a 22-year-old Californian who’s auctioning off her virginity online. (Know who bid $4.7 million for it? A married dude.) Davies is a mom, so I thought the post posed a question to other moms: if sex with your spouse was a financial transaction, how much would you value your participation?

I kid. The modern couple is beyond bargaining for sex. (Aren’t we?) But the experts seem to agree that a sexless marriage is a doomed marriage. So, Stranger Mom at Ballet, I say to you:  never mind that second kid. Kick your first from the marital bed.