How To Buy Shoes (For Boys or Girls Who Help Boys Shop)
Grown men, it is time to throw out your Bar Mitzvah shoes. And if you don’t even know what I mean by that, you’re in worse shape than I’d expected. “Bar Mitzvah” shoes are not owned only by 13 year old Jewish boys. Rather, they are a very specific variety of clunky-soled, too-square-toed “dress shoes” that never should have made it past the seventh grade but, somehow, still turn up all over the feet of legitimate adult males. They look like this–or sometimes even like this– and they are not helping you get laid, that much I promise.
Throw them out, burn them, whatever you need to do to get that shit out of your system. Some say you become a man when you hold your first child in your arms, others contend that it happens the first time you pull your head out of your ass and stop acting like a lobotomy patient. I say you become men when you start wearing consistently appropriate and attractive shoes. Given that my way doesn’t involve video taping someone birth a child or cutting off your binge drinking habit, seems like you’re getting off easy here.
Avoid these ten things next time you buy shoes and maybe you’ll look less like you’re still wearing an outfit that mommy laid out for you 20 years ago:
- Thick soles are universally unattractive. Doc Martens? Stupid. Construction boots? Not unless you’re operating some goddamn heavy machinery. The same thought process applies to dress or work shoes: if the sole is clunky, it’s going to look bad. Always. Go for something with a thin leather sole under the toes/sole of your foot and a heel bed no more than 1/2 inch thick. Like this beauty for night or this one for the office.
- You, sir, are a grown up and your shoes should not be leaving black skid marks all over the dance floor. Stop with the plastic soles for formal shoes, you’re embarrassing yourself.
- Your shoes do not need to be two-toned almost ever. This means no cute little designs (vomit) and no black body with brown toe box. The only legitimate potential exception is a well done pair of two colored wingtips.
- This color is gross. Remember that.
- Those shoes that taper a bit and then square off at the toe before curving upward like truncated elf slippers look like they came to the city from Jersey on the PATH train to grind up on some skanks in the Meatpacking District. Those shoes go best with Ed Hardy. Those shoes wake up on the floor of this girl’s apartment.
- Beware too much distressing. Semi-distressed suede (like this) is acceptable. Selective, excessive distressing (like this) is not.
- Avoid shoes under $100. I don’t care how broke you are, don’t bother buying new shoes if you’re going to be that cheap. The leather will crack, the soles will fall off and they’ll look like crap in a month.
- The part of your shoe the covers the back of the heel does not need to be padded for comfort. You’re a big boy, you can wear shoes that don’t look like they blow up when you press on the tongue.
- If the shoe you’re thinking about is a light color, imagine it half as attractive after two weeks of wear. Beige suede, for example, looks great initially and then filthy long before most guys acknowledge that the shoe has outlived its life expectancy. Darker is safer.
- If you can easily imagine some girl’s classy grandma saying “my, well aren’t those handsome shoes, young man!” you’ve done well.
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How about some specific brand names?
I agree, men can really blow it with the wrong shoes (and socks.) I’m partial to an elegant brown suede lace-up or well-polished black leather loafer. Call me boring, but when in doubt, Brooks Brothers…
The thing is, even a single brand can vary a lot in its offerings. Kenneth Cole, for example, has a lot of good, inexpensive options. But also a hell of a lot of terrible ones.
In response to another comment. See in context »If you’re looking to spend a bit of money, you almost can’t go wrong with any of Ferragamo’s classic styles. And I agree that Brooks Brothers is generally a solid choice. Tods are pretty awesome, too.
Thanks Lily, I need all the help I can get to avoid the pitfalls you mention in his piece. I always try and take a girl friend with me when I shop for all clothing and usually they seem to enjoy shopping with me; something about shopping for clothes and shoes has never appealed to me, but I totally understand how important it is to look good.
Preach it Lily! Bad shoes is one of the biggest turn-offs for me. And, boy, do they come bad! Your examples of the no-gos where perfect and hilarious…but also sadly very frequently worn by otherwise capable men in my surroundings. Why? Why!
One tip: since men’s shoes tend to be quite expensive, it’s a good idea to go the consignment route. Gently worn second hand may get you amazing deals. I got a beautiful pair of black Salvatore Ferragamo dress shoes for a man for a fraction of what they would have cost new…and they didn’t look like they had ever even been worn once!
- Astri
Maybe you’ll post a follow-up someday to address the thorny sock problem; what to do about matching color and texture to shoe and slack, not to mention shirt and jacket? It’s not easy!
Ewwww! Scariest thing is when you see a grown man wearing skater shoes or any other age inappropriate footwear. You know what I’m talking about…laces undone and fat tongue hanging out! Not a good look on a 40 yr old unless it’s October 31st.
I’m interested in those Ferragamo loafers with the metalwork across the intep. Good? Bad? Indifferent?
And what do you all think of cordovan as a shoe color? It looks like it is not too far from the vile burgundy as per Lily Q.
http://www.chinabrandshoes.com
http://www.chinabrandshoes.com