A tale of two travesties: man girdles and dudes in tube tops

When did men start wearing tube tops and girdles? What happened to the days when dudes wore flannel shirts, looking ever-ready to sub in for the Brawny Man should he become ill?

I’d like to think that the John Galliano show (left) at Men’s Fashion Week was the beginning of this sad development, but fear that it’s been building up far longer than that, a silent menace much like cancer or asbestos. A shift has occurred and we’ve lost the sleek-suited and outdoor-ready men of yore to an army of tube top-wearing, girdle loving metrosexuals. And that sucks.

Don’t believe me? Think it’s just a Fashion Week anomaly that will never even make into stores? Well, the folks over at Saks would disagree. The Equmen man girdles–excuse me, “compression tops”– they just started stocking have been “flying off the shelves” at $90 to $120 a pop. And sure, the dudes in the ad are looking rather fly and touchable, but can you imagine the tightly-constrained lumps and bulges that the girdles’ actual intended audience would be flaunting? It’s like those hideous Spanx women wear in an attempt to look svelte: a minor improvement under clothes and a major boner shrinker when said clothes are removed.

While these manly “compression garments” are more akin to grandma underwear than, say, a denim bustier, they make me no less confident about the future of man clothes. Seriously, where have all the lumberjacks gone?