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Jul. 29 2010 - 11:56 pm | 165 views | 0 recommendations | 6 comments

U.S. comes unglued as Grossblogger exits True/Slant

Official presidential portrait of Barack Obama...

Obama asks nation not to panic (Image via Wikipedia)

Authorities called for calm today as word dribbled out across a troubled nation that the beloved Grossblogger blog was leaving True/Slant.com and moving to a new location.

Unrest was reported spreading in many areas of the U.S. and in Arizona as well. The state of the Internet was reported as “shaky.”

The blog has been a fixture at the T/S website for 14 months, which means that many younger Americans cannot remember a time when it wasn’t there.

“First 9/11, then the oil spill and now this,” said a typical American, Lester Flegman of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. “I can’t take it anymore.”

Ever since it was announced a month ago that True/Slant had been acquired by Forbes and would end its storied existence July 31, sporadic rioting has broken out in communities from coast to coast as the grim realization dawned that Grossblogger would have to find a new home.

Yelling and teeth gnashing were also reported in some neighborhoods.

Today the official exit announcement was officially made by Grossblogger founder and CEO Lewis Grossberger, causing a heart-wrenching wail of utter despair to rise up as if from the bowels of the earth itself.

Asked where exactly the blog was going, Grossberger told reporters, “Somewhere else. Watch my Twitter site (Grossberger) for the announcement. In due time, I shall tweet.”

Asked to elaborate, he replied, “Why are you bothering me? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

Pro-Grossblogger demonstrators outside his Manhattan apartment building roared their approval and waved signs, reading, “He’ll Tell Us When He’s Ready!” and “Leave Him Alone!”

One elderly woman, struggling to fight back tears, said, “I will always remember today as the day that America lost its innocence.”

In a live TV address from the Oval Office, President Obama told the nation, “Hey, don’t cry, people. Grossblogger will still be appearing, just at another location. I’m a fan, too, so I understand how you feel.”

On the ABC program The View, Whoopi Goldberg said, “I’m gonna kill myself” and the usually voluble Joy Behar was too distraught to attempt a quip.

Grossberger later appeared on the roof of his building, where he hypnotized a crowd gathered in the street estimated at 250,000 people and told them, “All of you who are on my e-mail list or are one of my sixteen billion Facebook friends, or nine trillion Twitter followers, I will send you a notification when the new blog is ready and I will command you to visit it. And you will obey. Do you understand me? You will obey.”

As one, the crowd droned, “Yes, Master.”


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  1. collapse expand

    Don’t worry, Caitlin. I’ll be calling you up every day and telling you a joke.

  2. collapse expand

    Hey, Lewis, is there any truth to the rumor that you’ve been putting Gorssblogger pills in the water? I’m feeling a little queasy.
    See ya’ in cyberspace!

  3. collapse expand

    I’m going on record right now in saying the US will not survive without a speedy return of Grossblogging. Each day you are gone, the Afghanistan war only gets worse. Related? Obviously.

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    About Me

    Once I was a writer for the Old Media. But the Old Media went away and now I am a content provider for the New Media. That doesn’t necessarily mean I am more content or better provided for, only that times change.

    I used to call this page ETAOIN SHRDLU but too many people asked me what ETAOIN SHRDLU meant and when I told them, they usually replied, “Who gives a fuck?” So now I’m calling it GROSSBLOGGER. As a result, some people now think my name is Lewis Grossblogger. I’m thinking of having it legally changed, just to end the confusion.

    The subject I specialize in is: Everything in the Universe. I seldom write about anything outside of that. Why did I choose that topic? Well, first, because it’s my area of expertise and second, because I noticed that no one else was covering the beat.

    So if you’re ever wondering what’s going on anywhere in or around the universe, this is the place to come for answers. Some of the answers may be wrong, but that’s not my fault; it’s Wikipedia’s. That’s where I get most of my information. Also I make up stuff, but a lot of it comes true later so if you’re concerned about accuracy, just wait.

    Read me, follow me, bookmark me, e-mail me to all your friends and relatives and you will live a long and happy life. This is a scientific fact. I guarantee it.

    See my profile »
    Followers: 145
    Contributor Since: May 2009
    Location:New York