U.S. comes unglued as Grossblogger exits True/Slant
Authorities called for calm today as word dribbled out across a troubled nation that the beloved Grossblogger blog was leaving True/Slant.com and moving to a new location.
Unrest was reported spreading in many areas of the U.S. and in Arizona as well. The state of the Internet was reported as “shaky.”
The blog has been a fixture at the T/S website for 14 months, which means that many younger Americans cannot remember a time when it wasn’t there.
“First 9/11, then the oil spill and now this,” said a typical American, Lester Flegman of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. “I can’t take it anymore.”
Ever since it was announced a month ago that True/Slant had been acquired by Forbes and would end its storied existence July 31, sporadic rioting has broken out in communities from coast to coast as the grim realization dawned that Grossblogger would have to find a new home.
Yelling and teeth gnashing were also reported in some neighborhoods.
Today the official exit announcement was officially made by Grossblogger founder and CEO Lewis Grossberger, causing a heart-wrenching wail of utter despair to rise up as if from the bowels of the earth itself.
Asked where exactly the blog was going, Grossberger told reporters, “Somewhere else. Watch my Twitter site (Grossberger) for the announcement. In due time, I shall tweet.”
Asked to elaborate, he replied, “Why are you bothering me? Can’t you see I’m busy?”
Pro-Grossblogger demonstrators outside his Manhattan apartment building roared their approval and waved signs, reading, “He’ll Tell Us When He’s Ready!” and “Leave Him Alone!”
One elderly woman, struggling to fight back tears, said, “I will always remember today as the day that America lost its innocence.”
In a live TV address from the Oval Office, President Obama told the nation, “Hey, don’t cry, people. Grossblogger will still be appearing, just at another location. I’m a fan, too, so I understand how you feel.”
On the ABC program The View, Whoopi Goldberg said, “I’m gonna kill myself” and the usually voluble Joy Behar was too distraught to attempt a quip.
Grossberger later appeared on the roof of his building, where he hypnotized a crowd gathered in the street estimated at 250,000 people and told them, “All of you who are on my e-mail list or are one of my sixteen billion Facebook friends, or nine trillion Twitter followers, I will send you a notification when the new blog is ready and I will command you to visit it. And you will obey. Do you understand me? You will obey.”
As one, the crowd droned, “Yes, Master.”