An appraisal of Goldman Sachs’ new home by our award-winning architecture critic

It may be one of these...or not (Image via Wikipedia)

Some buildings are designed more to conceal than to celebrate and I think it’s fair to say that this is true of the new Goldman Sachs headquarters at 200 West Street in lower Manhattan, which has just opened.

From the sign above the front entrance reading “New York Center for Abused and Homeless Children” to the high-tech flying buttresses that are said to be capable of raising the 43-story building from its foundation, allowing it to tiptoe away in the event that any regulators, prosecutors or FBI agents appear, the structure is a monument to cutting-edge misdirection and evasion but unfortunately this architectural gem is invisible except to people wearing the glasses with specially ground lenses issued to all Goldman Sachs employees.

Its strikingly plain façade of mirrored glass blends in so beautifully with its surroundings that drivers and bicyclists in the area have been bumping into the building, often sustaining severe injuries, before realizing that they are no longer in traffic.

The architect, Roger Glebb, who designed the U.S. Embassy in Kabul and the headquarters of the North Korean Secret Police in a location as yet undisclosed, has created what is probably his masterpiece, though it’s hard for a critic to be certain. Even though I was given a special tour of the building by its chief of security (whose name I cannot reveal) I was kept blindfolded much of the time.

Inside, the rich ambience presents a dramatic contrast to the nebulous exterior. From the ornate top-floor partners’ offices, modeled after the palaces of Oriental potentates, replete with muscular slaves wielding huge fans and kohl-eyed serving wenches clothed in gauzy veils, to the vast lobby with its faithful reproduction of the hanging gardens of Babylon, Glebb’s talent for evoking wealth, power and sheer recklessness is at once palpable and awe-inspiring.

The heart and soul of the building is its three large trading floors. In these cavernous halls, their walls encrusted with millions of precious stones, Goldman-Sachs employees can be heard murmuring seductively into their cell phones, cajoling clients around the world to buy and sell fantastically complicated securities that may or may not exist.

Each trading floor also contains a fitness center, a food court and an ecumenical chapel in which employees may worship Mammon in English, Sanskrit or demonic howling.

Another relaxing recreational facility is the Olympic-sized Money Pool on the 22^nd floor. Inspired by the iconic Disney character Scrooge McDuck, the pool is filled with large-denomination greenbacks and gold coins. Employees are encouraged to swim in it naked, cavorting and splashing amid a truly staggering volume of lucre.

Perhaps the building’s most innovative feature, though, is the basement submarine dock, allowing quick egress for the firm’s top executives, should the need ever arise. The décor is austere with plain limestone walls and tiled flooring but the exposed escape chutes, molded of multicolored polymethylene, cascade down through all 43 floors in a spiraling kaleidoscope that delights the senses.

The firm’s fleet of twenty small nuclear subs lie waiting in their quays, ready to be launched into the Hudson River. From there, it is but a short sprint to the Atlantic and freedom.

All in all, Goldman Sachs has built a home it can defend with pride. Though 200 West Street is hard to find and even harder to enter, it is a powerful addition to the New York skyline and will staunchly resist invasion for years to come.