Scientists say toxic cloud caused by Tea Partiers, not Icelandic volcano

Off the hook (Image by borkur.net via Flickr)

The toxic cloud disrupting travel and sun tanning in Europe came not from an unpronounceable volcano in Iceland but from Tea Party demonstrations in the U.S., prominent meteorologists have found.

“We made a bad call,” said Greta Svenskmann, a senior eruptologist at Uppsala A&M University in Sweden. “Further measurement showed the volcanic ash spewing from Eyjafjallajökull (pronounced in-a-gadda-da-vida) is negligible. The noxious plume over Europe actually was produced by speakers at Tea Party gatherings and was pushed across the Atlantic by erratic jet-stream winds that have been altered by global climate change.”

Tea Party organizers denied responsibility for the airborne detritus–and also insisted their members are not racists–but immediately after their denials, scientists reported that the amount of pollution over Europe had further increased.

Dr. Fenton Wetherill, a professor of biochemistry at Penn State University, said that according to new research, “significant numbers of people giving voice to irrational dissembling or psychotic prevarication can produce a huge mass of toxic gases that rapidly ascends into the upper atmosphere and can travel for thousands of miles.”

In a related development, bond traders at Goldman Sachs announced they were bundling the toxic material into a financial instrument that would be offered to the public under the title Collateralized Vaporous Magma Derivatives or CVMDs. “We’re advising our customers to short the CVMDs because we feel they are without value,” said Goldman Sachs vice president Sachs M. Goldman. “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”

A spokesman for the Center for Floating Congestion said the toxic cloud over Europe could exacerbate lung disorders or asthma and in rare cases may affect an individual’s larynx, causing their voice to sound “screechy and overwrought, like Sarah Palin’s. “