My ten-point emergency plan to save the Oscars from extinction

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In an unprecedented instance of global unanimity, pretty much everyone in the world seems to agree that this year’s Oscar show was so irredeemably rotten and awful that none of us will ever watch it again, which is unfortunate because there’s nothing much else on TV on a Sunday night in March.

Even Taliban fighters who took the night off from blowing things up to see what Penelope Cruz was wearing bitterly cursed the Oscarcast and proclaimed it the most tedious ever.

Fortunately, I am here with a rescue plan. And don’t worry, it does not involve a government takeover. But it must be followed to the letter. There must be no deviations! No compromise! Or all is lost.

1. No musical numbers of any kind, ever.

No best-song nominees. No James Taylor singing Beatle songs. No singing and dancing, especially Neil Patrick Harris, but mainly no singing and dancing by anybody. Musical numbers just slow things down. You want music, watch the Grammys.

2. No heartfelt tributes to my beloved colleague, the most talented and generous actor I ever worked with.

Has there ever been a more nauseating idea in human history than having ten actors gush at length about the glories of ten other actors? Only one (Tim Robbins) managed the slightest hint that his colleague was less than a saint on the set. This segment can be continued only if Steven Colbert agrees to script it. (Having Steven Colbert script the entire show wouldn’t be a bad idea, either) Otherwise, kill it, bury it, fumigate it.

3. No interminable tributes by washed-up actors to dead directors nobody really cares about.

That John Hughes thing was a total, utter waste of time.

4. The old Death Reel was perfect. Leave it alone.

Do not, for Chrissake, tamper with the few things that work, you ludicrous dunces. And if you didn’t get enough dead stars during the year to make it poignant, you have my permission to shoot James Cameron.

5. Billy Crystal opens the show.

Everyone loves those Billy Crystal parodies that inject him into the year’s big movies. (OK, this is an exception to Rule #1. Sue me.)  But after that, he’s gone because a person can stand only so much Billy Crystal.

6. Steve Martin then takes over as MC.

Alec Baldwin was OK but Martin doesn’t really need him. Baldwin could appear in a filmed comedy bit. Or maybe just get Steven Colbert.

7. Ben Stiller must appear in a ridiculous costume at some point.

Funniest thing in the show. Tina Fey and Steve Carrell should be brought back, too, also in ridiculous costumes.

8. More struggles for the microphone.

Everyone enjoyed the tense if puzzling moment when some crazy woman shouldered aside her colleague/enemy documentarian and ranted. Oscar winners who come up to the stage in herds must be instructed that whoever gets to the mike (that’s right, mike, not mic) first and successfully defends it can do all the talking for the group. This should make for highly entertaining on-camera death struggles.

9. No pairs of who-the-hell-are-they-and-why-should-we-care-young-star presenters.

Any gorgeous but unknown young star (of either sex) presenting an Oscar must be coupled with a comedian who makes fun of the gorgeous unknown young star until such time as the gorgeous young star bursts into tears.

10. No more Meryl Streep.

I’m sorry. I admire her as much as anyone. But enough already.