Hi, I’m God. Anything you’d like to ask?

Me (right) in my younger days (Image via Wikipedia)

Ever since last weekend, when I revealed that I was God in a message to my many Facebook friends and Twitter followers, I’ve received a huge and varied volume of e-mails and phone calls. In fact, if I weren’t so omnipotent, I’d have to call the reaction overwhelming. Most of the messages were kind. “Wow, what a surprise,” wrote a cousin of mine.  “You always managed to hide your divinity amazingly well.” A note from a young fellow in Tucson, Arizona, said simply: “Awright! You rule, El Supremo!” He got that right.

Of course, there were the predictable requests for miracles, money, immortality, world peace, larger penises, longer orgasms, higher IQs, lower credit-card rates and instant weight loss. And the cranks, conspiracy buffs and scoffers were also well represented.

But a lot of people, evincing a genuine curiosity about my methods and motivations, asked pretty good questions. So I’ve chosen the most commonly asked and here are my replies:

How old are you?

I’ll be a hundred ninety six trillion and eight years old next Thursday. (Please, no presents. I literally have everything.)

Do you listen to and answer prayers?

Not really. I did for the first 10,000 years or so but then I got bored. It’s just the same old stuff over and over again. “Please, God, help me sink this foul shot, blah blah blah.”

Why have you been walking among us in the guise of a mortal man?

Several reasons. One, the food is better down here. In heaven, there’s no alcohol, no meat and very few carbohydrates. Also, no one ever misbehaves, which makes for dull parties. The endless goodness can get a trifle annoying, you know? Life on Earth is much more entertaining. That’s why I created it, as a vacation spot, a little getaway.

So is heaven worth getting into?

Oh, yes, it’s really very nice. Although it’s gotten more expensive the last few years. Not everyone can afford it.

Wait a minute. You have to pay to get into heaven?

Of course. It’s the most desirable neighborhood in existence. We couldn’t afford the upkeep if people got in free.

Why do so many people on earth lead miserable, wretched lives?

Because if everyone were happy, Earth would be heaven. Then what would be the point of dying?

What is the point of dying? Why can’t we live forever?

Listen, living forever is overrated. A lot of immortals are disappointed with it, believe me. For starters, immortality goes on much too long.

What’s it like being perfect?

It’s great. I recommend it. Knowing that you’re never going to screw up is a great stress reducer. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing or dropping something heavy on my foot or accidentally annihilating a galaxy and that takes away a lot of the pressure of running the universe, which otherwise might be a really tough job.

Are there any decisions you regret?

Gravity. It would’ve been fun to see you guys flying up in the air every time you forgot to hold on to a doorknob or a towel rack.

Which is the true religion?

I’m not going to say. It’s too much fun seeing the expression on the faces of all the people who picked the wrong one when they get to the Afterlife. Tell you one thing, though. It sure ain’t Scientology.

Are there any questions even God doesn’t know the answer to?

Oh, sure. One is: Why the apostrophe in Mo’Nique? I mean what are the missing letters there?